Hi
This isn't a question, but it's something I wanted to share, as many years ago I came to this forum to get help with my then-boyfriend's infidelity and I wanted to share it here for anyone riding that nightmare train.
I won't re-hash the circumstance, but it was a terrible experience I would not wish on my worst enemy, made worse by all the classics: trickle truth, multiple d-days, and even - sadly - the affair re-igniting when we were trying to recover.
It was God awful.
We weren't one of those couples where the cheater is incredibly self-aware and goes to therapy and starts talking like a guest on Oprah. It was a shit show for a couple of years. He was completely unable to cope with the shame and it took years for him to be able to understand the real reasons or really understand the pain he caused.
We went through three years of complete hell. The rage in me was bottomless, the sadness seemed unlimited, I was shocked by the way that it shattered me but it broke something really core. Through those years I left over and over again, sometimes for months, and he always kept trying, always kept trying to sort it out even when he was ill-equipped to do that.
I could give you a long complicated version of the reasons he cheated on me, but the short one is that he was nihilistic at the time, didn't love himself much or value things in his life and he took something that felt good at the time without ever really thinking of the impact it would have on me.
I remember those days of desperately asking "why?", but I figured out that it's almost always that - when people cheat on people they love. They're a bit fucked up, and they do something that feels good without really thinking of the harm they are causing.
I waited for a very long time for it to feel like "the end", like it was really over, but the truth is that I think that pain does stay with you forever. It changed me a lot as a person, which is sad. I wish there was something better I could say. I am always inspired by people who shake these things off, but for me it was a life-changing thing to experience.
We stayed together - we are almost 8 years now after it all, and I can honestly say that I have the relationship with my now-husband that I wished I had all that time ago. He just wasn't able to give that, at that time. That isn't ideal, but that is just what happened.
What is true is that when someone has stayed with you through years of crying, screaming, meltdowns, and the inevitable depression that they do really love you, and it does build a kind of commitment and deep love that I probably would not have had if we had come to where we are via a less painful road.
I realised this past bank holiday weekend, that whatever it is I was looking for, I now have it. We weren't experts at getting here, but he never, ever gave up - no matter how many times I told him to, and we're happy now.
I suppose I shared this because I think a lot about other people going through this, wanting like I did to have answers or hope. I honestly think it's one of those things that is just devastating. Causes so much pain for so long. You do come out the other side - with or without the cheater - but no, nobody can ever take it away or make it un-happen.
What I would say is that the advice here was the best I got from anywhere - family and counsellors were far less useful, and if you are going through this I hope you listen better than I did, although it is very hard to find your strength when it's happening to you.
Sending love to all.