For those coping with infidelity (or those thinking of doing it)

[AHundredPercentPolyester]

Hi

This isn't a question, but it's something I wanted to share, as many years ago I came to this forum to get help with my then-boyfriend's infidelity and I wanted to share it here for anyone riding that nightmare train.

I won't re-hash the circumstance, but it was a terrible experience I would not wish on my worst enemy, made worse by all the classics: trickle truth, multiple d-days, and even - sadly - the affair re-igniting when we were trying to recover.

It was God awful.

We weren't one of those couples where the cheater is incredibly self-aware and goes to therapy and starts talking like a guest on Oprah. It was a shit show for a couple of years. He was completely unable to cope with the shame and it took years for him to be able to understand the real reasons or really understand the pain he caused.

We went through three years of complete hell. The rage in me was bottomless, the sadness seemed unlimited, I was shocked by the way that it shattered me but it broke something really core. Through those years I left over and over again, sometimes for months, and he always kept trying, always kept trying to sort it out even when he was ill-equipped to do that.

I could give you a long complicated version of the reasons he cheated on me, but the short one is that he was nihilistic at the time, didn't love himself much or value things in his life and he took something that felt good at the time without ever really thinking of the impact it would have on me.

I remember those days of desperately asking "why?", but I figured out that it's almost always that - when people cheat on people they love. They're a bit fucked up, and they do something that feels good without really thinking of the harm they are causing.

I waited for a very long time for it to feel like "the end", like it was really over, but the truth is that I think that pain does stay with you forever. It changed me a lot as a person, which is sad. I wish there was something better I could say. I am always inspired by people who shake these things off, but for me it was a life-changing thing to experience.

We stayed together - we are almost 8 years now after it all, and I can honestly say that I have the relationship with my now-husband that I wished I had all that time ago. He just wasn't able to give that, at that time. That isn't ideal, but that is just what happened.

What is true is that when someone has stayed with you through years of crying, screaming, meltdowns, and the inevitable depression that they do really love you, and it does build a kind of commitment and deep love that I probably would not have had if we had come to where we are via a less painful road.

I realised this past bank holiday weekend, that whatever it is I was looking for, I now have it. We weren't experts at getting here, but he never, ever gave up - no matter how many times I told him to, and we're happy now.

I suppose I shared this because I think a lot about other people going through this, wanting like I did to have answers or hope. I honestly think it's one of those things that is just devastating. Causes so much pain for so long. You do come out the other side - with or without the cheater - but no, nobody can ever take it away or make it un-happen.

What I would say is that the advice here was the best I got from anywhere - family and counsellors were far less useful, and if you are going through this I hope you listen better than I did, although it is very hard to find your strength when it's happening to you.

Sending love to all.

See I disagree with the idea of being cherished as anything obligatory. I suppose on pint of principle! Everyone has an unlikeable side or traits. I think it’s possible that therein lies a source of betrayal if any kind. We start of with great lives - I lived my husband deeply. It didn’t take him having any other interaction with anyone else to make me go the other way.
I think we tell ourselves that absolute trust is a good thing and we search for it. When maybe it would be less painful if we expected things would change and assessed on a regular basis whether our time - in our only life - it was better to carry on.

I don't agree that having kids and being married makes the trauma that follows cheating worse

It makes trauma for more people when kids are involved. And the kids likely won't speak up about it. I figured out what cheating was when I was 4 years old and I remember it. I learned you can't count on anybody long before I hit double digits in age. That's what being raised by a cheater can do.

Add in physical consequences and the fallout can be much, much worse. OP's bf didn't bring home an STI that cost her anything, much less her fertility or a miscarriage. She wasn't pregnant. I've seen infants whose moms died because their husbands cheated. Women left with long term mental health and physical issues.

Cheating is a form of abuse.

And the cheater goes on their merry way after devastating lives.

So you do you. You're an outlier whose husband did the work and luckily you had no physical consequences. But I would bet your mental health took a big and long term hit.

Agree with this. It’s all very “stand by your man”. I wouldn’t give a fuck why he cheated, I’d be furious that he did it and he would be out on his ear immediately.

Tbank you. It will certainly take an unusual man for me to ever trust one again.

Being the children of cheats also fucks them up. My former partner has two now adult children. The girl married someone 20 years older than her at the age of 22, "for safety and stability" (her words) - she is now pregnant. I hope the relationship lasts and she'll be ok. The young man has a completely fucked up attitude towards girls and relationships after watching the way his parents carried on. I was an unwitting accessory in all of this.

Yeah same. I'm too old and too sure of my worth to spend years feeling shit about myself just so that a man can feel better about himself after all. No thanks!

Completely agree that cheating fucks up your kids. As a young teenager I found out about my dad’s infidelity, and it’s no doubt it left a lasting effect on me and my siblings. My mother forgave him and they stayed together. While I understand why to an extent (she was totally dependent on him), it made me lose respect for her and I vowed to never be in that situation.

As a result I’ve always had a big fear about being cheated on, and stayed in an unhappy relationship because at least he won’t cheat on me (he has no interest in sex or anything much, I suspect he could be asexual). My logic says if I left and found ‘love’, this will go stale in a few years and he may then cheat on me and I never ever want to be the victim of that.

One of my siblings has been in abusive relationships. Another has been very dependent on her partners. All of us seem to struggle leaving bad or unhappy relationships and I’m sure it’s linked.

We were all gaslit by parents, relatives and others who said the affairs were nothing to do with us/ none of our business and shouldn’t have had any effect on us at all.

Yes, they will never admit it. They fool themselves that they're a "good dad" (or mum) because they don't think their kids notice or mind, while they're constantly seeking gratification and novelty. Clue: their kids do notice and they do mind.

I didn't misread your post OP, I disagreed with it. There's no more fundamental way to disrespect your partner than cheating on them. Well, other than physically assaulting them.

I honestly think, OP, you are using Chat GPT to reply to those who disagree with you.

I think OP it’s lot different to many women’s situation of living with someone/married - I personally feel it’s harder to be able to cope with the knowledge when still seeing someone every day/sharing beds etc because an awful lot of men want to rug sweep if they don’t want to split - I’ve been there, I’ve stayed married ( I found out long after it was happening ) but for me it did kill the specialness I must admit and I don’t think I will ever feel 100% even though we get on well and have a decent and interesting life. - regardless of the underlying reasons- I disagree with the poster saying it only happens in unhappy relationships, my H wasn’t unhappy with me , he has always said that - he was at that point very unhappy with life- our business issues, his mum on her death bed etc - it was for him an attractive distraction as I was very focused on the other things, all of which were horrible. Totallyxshitty behaviour I know on his part .

I just want to offer reassurance that I have read so many posts and first hand accounts from cheaters who say what your h said - that they were unhappy in themselves in some way, rather than unhappy with their spouse. It's a terrible way to express it, but I've heard many people explain that their headspace was nihilistic at the time.

I think one of the things that makes it hardest is that a person who deals with whatever they're feeling by doing something so selfish and destructive doesn't magically wake up as a person really emotionally intelligent and in the right place to do the work to fix the mess they made.

I think if they were that person they wouldn't have done it in the first place. Takes a lot. Not everyone is capable of that sort of change. I've known loads of people in my life who just wouldn't be able to change.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I really hope you feel 100% one day, in every way. I didn't for a really long time, but now I feel like I'm at 100% and that it isn't all about the marriage but just about moving through trauma and being okay.

I agree that you're minimising a lot

It doesn't sound like he took ownership, it sounds more like he found the excuse that made it palatable to you. I expect you know that too.

I couldn't devote my life to someone who was happy to risk our life together. Especially for someone he apparently didn't care about but went back to, knowing how much it had hurt you

A lack of self esteem sounds more like the reason people stay after infidelity, not the reason it happened

I thought I was finished with this thread but I just have to ask - why did you stay and go back to a man who was cheating on you early on in your relationship?

That's what I just don't get. I get it when people have been married for years, have children together, a lot invested. Then it makes sense to try and make it work.

But you were living apart, seeing each other infrequently, as you yourself say, so why stick with him and put yourself through all the trauma and pain you keep telling us about?
It just makes no sense and sounds as though you had quite poor self esteem. Did you think you might not find someone else?

It just all sounds so dramatic and, yes, I still think it sounds self congratulatory but goodness knows why.

You met your husband two weeks after his divorce was finalised, no cheating in his marriage just unhappiness.

So he was just playing the field at the same time as dating you, or he was still getting over his wife and having sex with her, it happens a lot, maybe very mixed up over his marriage ending.
You on the other hand knew what you wanted and played the pick me dance by dumping him and then getting back together numerous times, you finally won your prize, yet was incredibly angry, hurt and demoralised that you had to fight so hard.

This is nothing like being in an equal marriage of many, many years and being cheated on. There were no financial repercusions, no children to feel devastated for, no families and inlaws to be ripped apart and no colleagues, friends and uncle Tom Cobly to be humiliated by.
This was just a fight for the man you wanted but in retrospect you can see the hurt and humilliation he put you through to just get him to see 'your sense'.

I think you have framed this as you being cheated on as joining the ranks of the respectably betrayed women, when in fact some people may have questioned whether you may have had a hand in his first marriage ending, people do speculate.

Sorry but that's how it reads, congratulating yourself as a victim and survivor but your tone suggests someone who thinks they are in control and he wouldn't possibly cheat now properly as you are in a real marriage with years under your belt.

Points to remember
The quiet ones are usually the worst
Pride comes before a fall and
You can't control everything.

I'd watch him, the fact you are feeling deleriously happy and content at the moment is when they have something up their sleeve.

This!
It's the idea of starting a thread to "advise" people of how to "cope" with infidelity when actually the OP chased a man who began their relationship cheating on her.

Ive quoted your op. Everything I said in the first paragraph - you said in your op. It does sound a bit ironic put like that, doesn’t it.

Im a little angry too. Angry you had to do counselling and carry this for so long while he was excused as just being messed up. Angry this has been such a big, heavy part of your young life and with years later is when you think oh, it’s over but then you write this long post and so much is still there - ‘life-changing, devastating’. It wasn’t your mistake and you didn’t need to work so hard to fix it.

Good grief there's some odd responses to this thread.

There's nothing on it that is "congratulatory" or that is there to "advise" people 🙄

It is a raw and honest account of someone's life experience and is addressed to those coping with the same. What I've given those people is support and validation.

I'm glad this was helpful to those who posted going through it, as well as those who DMd me, this thread was for you 💐

For the others...I've given some of these personal attacks a lot more grace than they deserved, so I'm going to leave it here. I hope you've expended your negative energy in a way that's helpful for you.

I could’ve written this 5 years ago, in fact somewhere on this forum are posts from me about getting through an instance of cheating and there being no regrets because we were truly in a better place, stronger than we were before it happened.
My husband cheated 8 years into our relationship, when our youngest was 2. He was at a low ebb and had a brief affair. I suspected pretty quickly and was blown away, I knew he loved me so couldn’t understand why. I confronted him and he begged to stay. We had couples therapy and we got through it. We had an amazing marriage, he was a great husband, I had no regrets as it was truly a wonderful time of my life, raising dc together in a really happy marriage… for 16yrs.
He then got depressed again, I was going through the menopause at the time and I didn’t notice, well I did but I was too busy with my own issues to really do much more. For 2 years we weren’t great but we had some happy times and I thought we would survive this low point as we were in love. Well, he cheated again. I knew within the month and confronted him. I expected the same reaction, begging to stay and promises of undying love. I didn’t get this, I got dumped. He’d fallen in love with this one, yadda yadda. I kicked him out, he was living with her within the week. The couples therapy had worked for as long as he had wanted it to. Then up popped a woman 20yrs younger with a bright face and no baggage, he escaped what he thought was the cause of his depression, his responsibilities.
I was devastated, I cried for a full year, every single day. I can honestly say there wasn’t a minute that went by when I wasn’t consumed with sadness. At first I tried to understand, but all I got from him was that he still loved me but he didn’t want to be with me, he loved her. I went no contact, I had to accept my marriage was over.
As it happened he was blissfully happy for about 3m before the cracks started to appear, and they hated each other within 6m, but limped along for a year. He now lives alone in a bedsit, he lost his job as when the bliss wore off his depression hit even harder. He couldn’t outrun what he was trying to escape. What he didn’t know at the time was he took his biggest problem with him when he left, himself.
For 2yrs I’ve had what I expected on the day I confronted him, promises of undying love, promises to be a better man. I just stay steady, it’s a no from me. I know I’ll never love anyone like I love him again, I have accepted that I’ll never raise a family with someone else, that’s a bond like no other. But I can’t and won’t be hurt by that man again. He loves me, I truly believe that, but his go to pain killer is validation from other people. That’s what he does and that’s what he needs, as self destructive as that behaviour is.
I’m not saying your DH is the same or even different, I’m just telling you my story. For 16yrs I’d have defended my decision to stay, in fact I don’t even regret it now, those 16yrs were great, or at least 14 of them were. If your DH can’t tell you why he did what he did, then he can’t stop it happening again, he hasn’t got the skills to stop it happening again and neither do you.
I’m here, 27 years after meeting and falling in love. 8 years pre affair, 16 years of a really happy post affair marriage, 1 year of him living with someone else and 2 years of him trying to come home. I don’t even know what I’m trying to tell you, I’m not telling you to give up, I’m not telling you to stay, I can’t tell you what the future holds, I just know you’re with someone who is unpredictable,

All this pain and suffering for some bloke. And ultimately, they are all just some bloke. For me now, romantic relationships are something to occasionally do to pass the time, to give one a bit of a flutter. Work, relationships with family, friendships, hobbies, learning more about the amazing world we live in - these all seem a much better use of my time and energy. The OP's stance is literally unfathomable to me.

You definitely posted to advise other women to stay, maybe not in your first post but in subsequent ones where you excuse his behaviour, and explain why people cheat and it's disingenuous to pretend you didn't.

And you have never explained why you chose to stay when he was cheating literally weeks in. Why did you do that?

You can accuse people of negativity and of being "odd" but if you are posting here with this kind of thing you are inviting questions and opinions, you must have realised that.

Yes. No one ever managed to drag anyone out of a happy, fulfilled relationship/marriage.

In the nicest possible way, OP - it was only the right choice for you until you find that he has done it again. All you're really saying here is that things are okay for the moment, and at a massive cost to yourself too. There isn't any support here for anyone except the people cheating

Exactly that - it suits the cheater.
And you might think I and others are being "negative", "odd" or even downright horrible.

But I think the kind of thing you are posting isn't helpful at all to women who have found their husband or long term partner has cheated on them. You are encouraging them to stay with your nonsense about your partner being "broken" and the bizarre stuff you said about respect.

And your story, which you drip fed, is particularly unhelpful because you had only just met your partner and elected to stay through his awful behaviour which is very strange & unlike most stories we hear on this board.
But some people will listen to you and potentially put themselves at risk of further heartache, thinking they too can be happy 8 years down the line if they just excuse their cheating partner's behaviour like you did. It's dangerous stuff to peddle.

I have found your posts disingenuous throughout and now you are trying to turn the tables to say that you are "just telling your story" & those of us who call you out are "negative" & I expect you imagine we are bitter & unhappy.
I am actually neither but I am realistic and will call out bs when I hear it.

I just want to say thank you for posting this, OP. For sticking your head above the parapet and braving the black-and-white brigade. For lots of us out here quietly watching and reading, this has been an interesting and thought-provoking thread.

I think for some people this is a one-size-fits-all issue, and those people are often very sure of themselves and very loud. So those who see things in a more nuanced way stay silent, which can make the narrative lopsided. So yes. Thank you, and I’m glad you’re happy now.

And this is precisely the worry