For those coping with infidelity (or those thinking of doing it)

[AHundredPercentPolyester]

Hi

This isn't a question, but it's something I wanted to share, as many years ago I came to this forum to get help with my then-boyfriend's infidelity and I wanted to share it here for anyone riding that nightmare train.

I won't re-hash the circumstance, but it was a terrible experience I would not wish on my worst enemy, made worse by all the classics: trickle truth, multiple d-days, and even - sadly - the affair re-igniting when we were trying to recover.

It was God awful.

We weren't one of those couples where the cheater is incredibly self-aware and goes to therapy and starts talking like a guest on Oprah. It was a shit show for a couple of years. He was completely unable to cope with the shame and it took years for him to be able to understand the real reasons or really understand the pain he caused.

We went through three years of complete hell. The rage in me was bottomless, the sadness seemed unlimited, I was shocked by the way that it shattered me but it broke something really core. Through those years I left over and over again, sometimes for months, and he always kept trying, always kept trying to sort it out even when he was ill-equipped to do that.

I could give you a long complicated version of the reasons he cheated on me, but the short one is that he was nihilistic at the time, didn't love himself much or value things in his life and he took something that felt good at the time without ever really thinking of the impact it would have on me.

I remember those days of desperately asking "why?", but I figured out that it's almost always that - when people cheat on people they love. They're a bit fucked up, and they do something that feels good without really thinking of the harm they are causing.

I waited for a very long time for it to feel like "the end", like it was really over, but the truth is that I think that pain does stay with you forever. It changed me a lot as a person, which is sad. I wish there was something better I could say. I am always inspired by people who shake these things off, but for me it was a life-changing thing to experience.

We stayed together - we are almost 8 years now after it all, and I can honestly say that I have the relationship with my now-husband that I wished I had all that time ago. He just wasn't able to give that, at that time. That isn't ideal, but that is just what happened.

What is true is that when someone has stayed with you through years of crying, screaming, meltdowns, and the inevitable depression that they do really love you, and it does build a kind of commitment and deep love that I probably would not have had if we had come to where we are via a less painful road.

I realised this past bank holiday weekend, that whatever it is I was looking for, I now have it. We weren't experts at getting here, but he never, ever gave up - no matter how many times I told him to, and we're happy now.

I suppose I shared this because I think a lot about other people going through this, wanting like I did to have answers or hope. I honestly think it's one of those things that is just devastating. Causes so much pain for so long. You do come out the other side - with or without the cheater - but no, nobody can ever take it away or make it un-happen.

What I would say is that the advice here was the best I got from anywhere - family and counsellors were far less useful, and if you are going through this I hope you listen better than I did, although it is very hard to find your strength when it's happening to you.

Sending love to all.

For goodness sake!

There's nothing in this that's designed to encourage people to stay. In fact it describes a really horrible experience and repeatedly tells people in most cases leaving is the best option.

I did NOT say I'd just met him. We'd been together 18 months. What I said was that he was fresh out of a marriage when we met and we were long distance.

Yes! I do think you're bitter and unhappy because I can't imagine any other reason for haranguing strangers on the internet. And worse, coming to a thread about someone's really painful life experience to repeatedly insult them.

Get a life!

Thank you. Sorry I bothered now unfortunately, but I suppose my experience of staying at the time was very much marred by the these types of attitudes. I am glad if it helped even a few people going through a similar experience.

This all sounds very nonsensical. Couldn’t be arsed with all that to be honest. If you’re happy in your relationship, you don’t cheat. Simple.

Muting this thread now. It's become incredibly counter productive.

It happens every time ☹️

You sound immensely strong xxx

I think so many men look elsewhere when they are dissatisfied with their lives, like you said seeking novelty and validation and completely failing to appreciate what they have. They are too weak to look within themselves as the cause and put the work in. They will never be content.

Some men are just players, they can hide it well when their primary relationships are still in their infancy or their wives are just too busy with life, child rearing, work but at some point the cheating is discovered..

In many cases it is because they were always like that, emotional validation, flirting, affairs, to some men this is their fuel.
Discovery of their real nature sometimes doesn't become apparent till many years later.

My Dad is a psychiatrist. He said one thing to me when I was cheated on and I blocked my ex the day after I found out and that was it.

Take a picture of 5/6 year old you. Think about how happy she was. Does she deserve to be a partner who cheated on her, doesn't she deserve love ?

If anyone cheats please leave. You could be dead tomorrow.

It will always haunt you. You deserve love and to be cherished.

OP people can be very entangled in long term relationships which can make leaving difficult and the option to stay and work on relationship valid.
However what you described in your post is dating stage. The whole point of dating is to find out about each other and see if you are right and compatible. So yes - it is very black and white - if someone is abusive, unreliable, a cheater etc during dating stage you SHOULD leave.
Your post is not "helpful " at all, it's especially not helpful for young, inexperienced women who tend not to vet men properly and end up paying the price down the line. It's also not helpful for most women here - mostly mums, either in long term relationships or divorced. We obviously understand what damage cheating does, we also would advise anyone who is not in long term relationship to leave if the partner they are dating is cheating. We would give that advice precisely because we know how important it is to be with someone reliable and how devastating any form of cheating can be, especially once you can't just leave.

So despite your good intentions your post is just not helpful. You're a bad example to young inexperienced women and you will come across as very frustrating to women in long term relationship with kids (majority here).

Why so snide and unpleasant?

The OP has not said her way is the right way or that everyone should do what she did to be morally superior. Your anger is interfering with your reading comprehension. Why so angry?

Brave and honest post OP but I’ve never seen one like it which wasn’t treated with a sprinkling of varying amounts of hostility. Disagree, fine, put a counter-argument, fine. But nastiness and hostility is totally unnecessary. OP’s tone in her post and responses have been calm and polite in spite of this.
I’d give up on trying to supply context or trying to explain and justify your choices, OP, especially to those who respond with hostility.
It’s tough to get through if you want to stay together and it’s tough to leave.
However, it is a choice to rebuild or leave a marriage and neither one is more noble or shameful than the other. They’re just personal choices.
I didn’t read your post as sounding like ‘advice’ at all, just a no holds barred story about what happened in your marriage, which highlights the truth about what happened.
A cautionary tale for those thinking of cheating and a cautionary tale for those who think rebuilding is always going to be a saintly repentant partner and sunshine and rainbows “My marriage is better than ever now” forever after.
Others might read this and decide that reconciliation won’t work for them, others who are trying to reconcile might find it useful.
Those maybe flirting a bit outside their marriage and/or long term relationship and getting close to crossing a boundary, might think a bit harder after reading it.
At any rate, you and your husband thought your marriage was worth saving because you both wanted that, then that’s all that matters, it’s your lives that you are living, nobody else’s.

No one ever dragged anyone out of a happy relationship. Once it’s done, it’s done.

@Boomer55 if only that were true. I’ve never read one post on this forum from any woman about her husband’s infidelity where she thought he was unhappy enough, or at most dissatisfied enough, to have an affair.
They’re usually shocked to hell because he’d given them the impression nothing was wrong. I’ve never read “Yeah, we were unhappy so I saw it coming really.”
Vast majority want to go back home on discovery and not always for kids/ financial reasons. They’re usually dissatisfied with something within themselves or an outside event which gets projected onto the spouse/ relationship to ease guilt. They’re more often than not pretty satisfied with their lives but some internal crisis, often triggered by an external event, can lead to a drug if some kind as a quick fix. Booze, illegal substances, porn, sex outside marriage….
It’s more often a fantasy reinvention of self to soothe an internal angst than an inevitable consequence of a poor relationship. Not all unhappy people cheat, they’re healthy enough to communicate and sort themselves out without the rush to external validation.
Have to say that OW don’t usually have to drag a man out of anything, however. Infidelity is a choice.