Dismay - was disclosing my bipolar diagnosis after 3 months too soon?

[ByRoseSnake]

I feel incredibly naive, as I've been in (semi-)similar situations before disclosure that is perhaps too early, or oversharing - which has affected relationships. But this one really stung.

For context: I received a very long-awaited diagnosis of Bipolar type 1 in January, following an extensive period of poor mental health in the last 6 months of 2025. This was harrowing to hear in itself. But since then, I've been on correct medication, with correct support and weekly therapy, and really pleased with myself to have been maintaining a calm, healthy daily routine and advancing my career.

In early Feb, I happened to meet a friend's partner's mutual friend and we hit it off very quickly - I had vowed not to start dating again for several months, but this felt very authentic and calming. I felt safe and regulated around him, did lots of great outdoorsy activities rather than pub and then home to Netflix, which is not something I've previously been used to during 'courtship'.

We spoke quite candidly about issues such as neurodivergence and mental health. I told him about my ADHD diagnosis, which he didn't bat an eyelid over. He spoke emotionally about his and his own father's experience with quite serious depression, and I let him open up and supported him.

Flash forward to the bank holiday weekend, and we had a moment of intimacy on Saturday evening where I felt it could be appropriate to share that I have quite a significant MH diagnosis - and I felt it was better for him to know about that sooner rather than later, in case I did have another serious episode and it came as a shock for him (and appeared as deceptive). We had reached the 3 month mark and I felt comfortable based on our previous sensitive conversations around MH.

At first he thought that I was joking, or exaggerating based on TikTok videos self-diagnosis or something similar... let me be clear, this was not a simple process. It involved years of incidents which I now know to be BD related, and a series of A&E -> NHS GP -> CMHT psych appointments to finally deliver the diagnosis I needed. It hurt when he suspected that I was just sugarcoating or imagining this.

It got worse when I told him that it was in fact officially diagnosed, and he persuaded me to show him a screenshot of the official diagnosis letter - he also urged me to tell some of my 'stories', which I regret now sharing - then fell completely cold and told me that he wasn't sure if he could spend the evening or night with me, and he wasn't sure how he felt and needed some time.

It's been two days now since he's been quiet. We were supposed to be meeting again this evening, he replied that he needed more time to think. I fear the stereotype of the 'psycho-bitch girlfriend', when in fact I'm an incredibly caring and responsible person who is trying to do her best.

It really breaks my heart - I'm so confused about what the correct and ethical thing to do here would have been. 100% appreciate and respect the fact that somebody may not be equipped/have the emotional resources to be prepared for (and potentially care for) someone with a serious mental illness, but it hurts:

a) Thinking that maybe I was unfair and unnecessary in sharing this disclosure too 'early', especially when I'm very well managed currently? Should I have kept my oversharing mouth shut?

b) But also... wouldn't it be more unfair if I didn't disclose this, only then at a later date to have another serious episode, coming as a surprise and wherein would we both have to pick up the pieces PLUS him learning for the very first time?

c) & there feels as though there is a double standard - he's quite happy for me to commiserate and care for him under depression, but when I disclose? Instant shutdown. This is frustrating to me.

My very close friends who know about my diagnosis have alternatively said that "he's an A-hole and you deserve better, the right and understanding person will come" to "sometimes people wouldn't be able to cope from an early stage, or they have past trauma related to family with MH issues etc" - but none of these theories feel like an answer, and I don't know how to move forward in relationships.

I feel happy with the way I have been handling my life recently, but gloomy about the prospects of finding love and a caring partner given my circumstances. I also don't want someone who could take advantage of any vulnerability in me.

I really felt something for him. I hope he replies and doesn't just ghost.

Does he have children?

Sorry op 😔

Adhd is very different to bipolar, and carries much less of a stigma in comparison

I can imagine it hurts - but now you need to protect yourself. Who knows about your diagnosis - is he going to spread it around? Does your friend know and support you? ❤️

No children, he's never had children or a former marriage, so as far as I'm aware he's unattached like me. But i get why that may be concerning if there were kids in the picture already

I wonder whether it may have thrown up some bad memory/trauma for him? And is now nervous about going ahead

I'm mostly confused about the best way to handle disclosure - do I do it early, later, never?
Hmm

How old are you both? Maybe he is looking for something serious with the view of marrying / having children and he is concerned from that perspective

Thank you - that's certainly true that bipolar carries more stigma.
I doubt he's the person to spread any bad words, I do trust him in that regard. Just very confusing and isolating to feel so rejected

I'll wait and see

I think he sounds like a dick who will treat you badly op, sorry

Youre giving him a lot of grace - much less than he's given you

Bipolar isnt a death sentence - it has stigma but theres no need for his reaction

You deserve better x

Early disclosure and stay only as friends for at least a year, even if you feel the pull of something more.
This gives the potential partner time to get used to the idea, to see your ups and downs and how you handle them from a distance.

It sounds like you did what felt right and sensible and ethical and honest, and he responded in a way that reflects his lack of maturity and social skill.

It’s not a problem with when or how you disclosed. I think you can continue to be guided by your judgement, which seems sound to me.

The only thing you might consider doing differently is if someone responds with mockery or insists on seeing your private medical information, remember that you deserve dignity and privacy and that anyone who doesn’t respect that can fuck off.

Well done for persevering in getting the assessment and support you need - it is a gruelling and arduous process.

3 months in is about right.
Personally think you handled this just right and "with grace".
Telling him was 100% the correct thing.

You are diagnosed and hopefully compliant with meds and treatment. While this is upsetting dont let it derail you - its more about him than you.

He may not wamt to date someone with bipolar... for any number of reasons...
In the same way you might not want to date someone who... is a farmer... has genital herpes (which isnt that big of a deal in trs.of % of the pop.who have it)... has a family member who is a convicted criminal... works offshore and isnt around half the time.... wants kids when you dont.

And that could be for any reason. Maybe he has his own thing going on that he hasn't disclosed to you and knows long term it would be a powder keg....maybe he sanitised the truth and his father had bipolar...
I tell people my father had depression... he was bipolar and non compliant with his meds.
Who knows?

ultimately you habe nothing to regret here. You did the right thing

You are probably lovely and take your meds! but my experience with my dad means I wouldnt personally want to date /marry someone with bipolar. Even though I know 2 people woth bipolar who are nothing like him

Bipolar has a lot of stigma, and is fairly poorly understood by the general public. And florid mania (which you may not have had and may never have) is pretty impossible to live with.

I don’t think there’s a good time to disclose it. I think you do have to do it fairly early on or it will come across as deceptive as you say. But equally it will scare some people off. Maybe see it as a filter for people who aren’t suitable long term partners for you?

Sorry to hear this OP, I think you handled things really well. He hasn’t been particularly sensitive or mature in his reaction. He should not have asked to see the paperwork and you don’t have to show this to people.
It sounds like he doesn’t want to pursue things now. If this is the case I would have a clean break from him and try to move on with someone more able to accept you as you are.

He's allowed to decide a serious mental health issue is not something he wants to deal with in a potential partner. That doesn't make him an asshole. Insisting he see your medical records is a big overstep though and I would have told him to fuck off right there. You didn't owe him that.

That said, you've been proactive taking care of your mental health and I hope you find someone who sees that.

Thank you, that's actually very good and reassuring advice 🤗- I definitely panicked and starting apologising before submitting to his demands to see things relating to my medical records 🙄I feel icky now for letting him see that. I'll remember that one.
I don't feel that he reacted maturely or even attempted to listen to how persevering I had been in pursuing the correct diagnosis - or wanted to do the right thing and disclose rather than keeping secrets.

My DH has bipolar but it was diagnosed after we were married. It has been extremely challenging at times.

I think you were right to tell him - after all it’s important that your partner knows something significant like that. But, as hard as it may be to hear this, he may decide it’s not something he wants to have to deal with which is his right. However, I don’t think he necessarily handled it in the right way.

Agree - his response was a red flag on him as partner tbh.

Also the fact he though you didn't understand your own diagnosis also sat poorly with me.
Like you are so thick he cant be sure whether you actually were diagnosed by a doctor or just took a quiz in a magazine and got confused 🫠

I don't think he's a dick. He grew up with an experience of someone with serious depression and it would have left it's mark. I think this sort of stuff probably should be disclosed early on before feelings happen tbh. I'd feel deceived I didn't have all the facts in his shoes.

You don't have to 'prove' your diagnosis though. He was out of order asking. It's your private medical information.

Im sorry he's bern such an arsehole requesting proof, but equally, having watched my brother fight (and loose against) bipolar, at whatever point you disclosed it, id be making a swift exit.

You need to find someone who is prepared to take the ups and downs along with you. He (and me) wouldn't be the right fit for you. Hopefully you can find someone who will embrace you for who you are.

That's actually quite an interesting and credible theory - neither of us wanted children, we both explicitly said that we'd come from difficult homes and didn't feel confident bringing new kids into the world. Although we both do make excellent aunts and uncles and enjoy entertaining and taking care of kids temporarily :)

But I suspect it may be more of a trauma-response or just fear of the unstable person.

I will keep it quiet and not chase him. I fully respect his feelings if so. Sad, but hey.

I'm feeling that we're leaning more towards being transparent about serious MH diagnoses fairly on into relationships? I hope there is someone who can accept this horrible illness in a partner

having dated someone who subsequently was diagnosed as bipolar, my gut reaction would be that i would not want to date anyone with it again.
perhaos hes like that. once bitten?

im sorry op as you are doing all the right things and my ex didnt. he was off his meds and made my life a living hell until i was practically suicidal. you are doing really well and im so pleased for you that the meds are helping as is all the effort you are putting in.

maybe he will realise that and see that you continue to be balanced and happy. but maybe by then youll be off wirh someone else who knows!

whats for you will not go by you.

I'm sorry OP, but 3 months in would be far too late for me and I would be quite angry if someone waited this long. I used to know someone with severe bipolar and know exactly how bad it can get. The fact that you waited 3 months and the fact that people can downplay the severity of these issues would put me off.

Separately, he responded strangely. Asking you to actually show him your diagnoses letter and suggesting you've got this idea from Tick Tock??? Jesus. Does he think you're a silly teenager?? I think that was not a good sign of character on his part.

I would feel really angry and betrayed if someone kept such a hugely vital piece of information from me for three months. It would be the end of the road for me, regardless of the diagnosis and regardless of how well managed it was.

@ByRoseSnake
I think you were right in telling him now. It’s a serious health condition and both your future partner has the right to know, and you have the right to give yourself a chance at a long term relationship with someone who is aware and
accepting of this side of the partnership.

The recent nature of your diagnosis may have influenced his reaction.

Ah I’m sorry OP, it’s such a difficult situation. I do think bipolar is seen very differently to depression, depression I would say is more thought of as something that primarily just internally impacts the person suffering, it’s also quite common and most people know someone diagnosed with depression so I think in some ways depression is accepted as more “normal”. Bipolar is not seen as or treated the same way, when someone hears bipolar lots of people think of manic episodes, dangerous actions, impulsive decisions, not helped by the fact that often this is how it is portrayed in the media and so if that is his only reference point he may well be thinking “can I cope with that” and deciding that no he can’t without taking the time to discuss with you how it actually impacts you.

I don’t know what the answer is, I have a family member who has been in the same situation many times over and has really struggled. I think for me personally you’ve disclosed it at the right time, not too soon that it is an overshare, not too long that it feels like you’ve deliberately hidden it, the issue is the person not the timing. As you say not everybody can manage to support another person and if I’m being generous I would say if he has his own struggles and also supports family members already it’s perhaps wise of him to decide that actually he is not the best fit for you. If I’m not being generous I’d say that like many others he has a picture in his head of what bipolar looks like and he doesn’t like it or want that in his life, it’s rubbish, but if that is who he is then he would still have been that person whether you told him on day 1, month 10 or year 3, better you know now so you don’t waste anymore time.

Absolutely this.

Having spent time caring for a relative with a significant mental health diagnosis, I know for me that would be something I’d struggle to take on in a relationship too and my mind would go to the worst case scenario.

but insisting to see your medical records is completely inappropriate.