Dismay - was disclosing my bipolar diagnosis after 3 months too soon?

[ByRoseSnake]

I feel incredibly naive, as I've been in (semi-)similar situations before disclosure that is perhaps too early, or oversharing - which has affected relationships. But this one really stung.

For context: I received a very long-awaited diagnosis of Bipolar type 1 in January, following an extensive period of poor mental health in the last 6 months of 2025. This was harrowing to hear in itself. But since then, I've been on correct medication, with correct support and weekly therapy, and really pleased with myself to have been maintaining a calm, healthy daily routine and advancing my career.

In early Feb, I happened to meet a friend's partner's mutual friend and we hit it off very quickly - I had vowed not to start dating again for several months, but this felt very authentic and calming. I felt safe and regulated around him, did lots of great outdoorsy activities rather than pub and then home to Netflix, which is not something I've previously been used to during 'courtship'.

We spoke quite candidly about issues such as neurodivergence and mental health. I told him about my ADHD diagnosis, which he didn't bat an eyelid over. He spoke emotionally about his and his own father's experience with quite serious depression, and I let him open up and supported him.

Flash forward to the bank holiday weekend, and we had a moment of intimacy on Saturday evening where I felt it could be appropriate to share that I have quite a significant MH diagnosis - and I felt it was better for him to know about that sooner rather than later, in case I did have another serious episode and it came as a shock for him (and appeared as deceptive). We had reached the 3 month mark and I felt comfortable based on our previous sensitive conversations around MH.

At first he thought that I was joking, or exaggerating based on TikTok videos self-diagnosis or something similar... let me be clear, this was not a simple process. It involved years of incidents which I now know to be BD related, and a series of A&E -> NHS GP -> CMHT psych appointments to finally deliver the diagnosis I needed. It hurt when he suspected that I was just sugarcoating or imagining this.

It got worse when I told him that it was in fact officially diagnosed, and he persuaded me to show him a screenshot of the official diagnosis letter - he also urged me to tell some of my 'stories', which I regret now sharing - then fell completely cold and told me that he wasn't sure if he could spend the evening or night with me, and he wasn't sure how he felt and needed some time.

It's been two days now since he's been quiet. We were supposed to be meeting again this evening, he replied that he needed more time to think. I fear the stereotype of the 'psycho-bitch girlfriend', when in fact I'm an incredibly caring and responsible person who is trying to do her best.

It really breaks my heart - I'm so confused about what the correct and ethical thing to do here would have been. 100% appreciate and respect the fact that somebody may not be equipped/have the emotional resources to be prepared for (and potentially care for) someone with a serious mental illness, but it hurts:

a) Thinking that maybe I was unfair and unnecessary in sharing this disclosure too 'early', especially when I'm very well managed currently? Should I have kept my oversharing mouth shut?

b) But also... wouldn't it be more unfair if I didn't disclose this, only then at a later date to have another serious episode, coming as a surprise and wherein would we both have to pick up the pieces PLUS him learning for the very first time?

c) & there feels as though there is a double standard - he's quite happy for me to commiserate and care for him under depression, but when I disclose? Instant shutdown. This is frustrating to me.

My very close friends who know about my diagnosis have alternatively said that "he's an A-hole and you deserve better, the right and understanding person will come" to "sometimes people wouldn't be able to cope from an early stage, or they have past trauma related to family with MH issues etc" - but none of these theories feel like an answer, and I don't know how to move forward in relationships.

I feel happy with the way I have been handling my life recently, but gloomy about the prospects of finding love and a caring partner given my circumstances. I also don't want someone who could take advantage of any vulnerability in me.

I really felt something for him. I hope he replies and doesn't just ghost.

This is the only answer you need. Perfectly expressed.

I think this makes absolute sense OP.

You did not tell this man too early.

I don't want to minimise how upsetting this was for you, but you probably should have let him know as soon as he disclosed the impact his father's mental health had on him.
He hasn't behaved well here at all, his response was shitty and unfair to you in several ways. But reading between the lines he really liked you and was devastated by the idea you have a serious mental health condition, because that is almost certainly a deal breaker for him. I'd say it's highly likely he has some childhood trauma as a result of what his father went through.
I'm sorry OP I think he's just not the person for you.

What “stories” did you share? I have a bi polar friend and she gets very hypersexual when manic, if you shared something like that then it could be that? By no means am I saying that’s okay, but that could be a reason.

Honestly, I feel like maybe he’s not the one for you. Asking to see your medical records, the tik tok self diagnosis thing? Not really the response of a kind and considerate man imo.

I was diagnosed 18yr ago now and I'm now just straight up from the start. Yes..... Some have said it's too much and I don't see them a 2nd time but that's ok cause I don't know them so no hurt feelings. One said he was ok with it, together 2yr and I had an episode and he ran for the hills but there has been a few genuine people too.
If he can't accept you for who you are then I wouldn't waste any tears on him ❤️

The way he reacted is awful. As painful as this experience has been, he doesn't sound like he would be good for you even if he did come round. And you absolutely didn't do anything wrong.

I’d say it wasn’t soon enough and really when you discussed the ADHD and his dad etc then that was the natural time for the disclosure. I suspect that he has unresolved trauma from his dad and he needs to work through that in his own time. And that you probably need to try to stay single for a while whilst this medication regime is still relatively new for you, a bit like just protecting your space for now. I agree with a PP who said join a hiking club or some social groups that support doing the activities that spark joy for you, journal (as you seem like a reflective person and a good writer) and perhaps a brief mood diary with numerical scores for different factors so you can perhaps identify any up or down periods… and keep on going as you are.
A year or so down the line you will have so much more insight and awareness of your condition and may be more ready for a relationship then, disclose quickly as this is part of you and if someone isn’t able to cope with that because of their own issues it’s better to know that early on than invest in them.

This.
He didn’t handle it well in asking to see the letter, but was taken by surprise so don’t judge him on that.
This is such a huge difference between chats about ADHD which everyone seems to think they have, and depression, to revealing and actual diagnosis of a serious mental illness that will impact on his life (and his own family and friends) significantly if your are in s relationship.
It would be akin to someone only mentioning eg that they had DC or are married after 3 months. Should be told as soon as it is clear you both intend a relationship, 3 or 3 dates in.

He has now invested 3 months of getting closer so still be feeling unhappy and deceived.

Just wanted to echo OP's point.

Bipolar is not abbreviated to BPD; that is Borderline Personality Disorder (as OP said, or EUPD).

BPAD is a totally different diagnosis.

OP, I'm so sorry. Fellow BPAD sufferer here. It sucks and you just can't win

I think there isn't a right or wrong to how you handled this, and I'm sorry for both the diagnosis and your relationship experience here. Many congratulations on finally getting your actual diagnosis and good meds for you. I wish for you every possible happiness, and offer the tiny suggestion that you let this one go either way and prioritise peace and stability for the next year or so.

Absolutely not suggesting that people with bipolar canior shouldn't have relationships, but it sounds like you've had a rough ride and meds are only part of the management picture. You may benefit from quiet stable time in your work and home life to work out who you are outside of bipolar activity, and to prioritise yourself and your needs. That might set you up better than a relationship now, however lovely.

Again, you do you, it's just a kindly offered suggestion from an online random wishing you well.

OP you did the right thing by disclosing this early.

His reaction shows that he is not the right partner for you.

Really hard OP.

I do not have close experience of ND or BP conditions so am responding from the pov of someone who might be dating someone who does.

But first: It sounds good that you have the diagnosis that enables you to get the right support to manage your health, which sounds very positive.

Having told you so much about his experience with his father, I would absolutely guess that your disclosure brought stuff back for him.

Also, him havjng trusted you with that info might have been a moment for reciprocity, and you could have gently told him - while stressing that your condition is now stable and regulated.

Whatever happens with this relationship, I think emphasising and being clear that you are now stable and managing your MH well with the correct medication would be the way to introduce it.

I think I would expect to be told after a long enough time to know I wanted to continue seeing you but before feeling really serious. A hard balancing act! Early enough for you to be protected from heartbreak.

Whilst I can see how you would be upset at his response, it does sound like you got too invested in this relationship too soon. After all, 3 months is no time at all, lots of people would consider that to still be casual dating territory.
Don't think too deeply into this - he’s lost interest for whatever reason. That’s allowed. Time to move on.
Regarding disclosing your diagnosis, I’d say if you’re going to be looking for a long term relationship, then you’d be better disclosing sooner rather than later. Not doing so could make the other person think you’ve misled them, and if they cut and run after one date because you’ve disclosed then they’re not the person for you are they.

If it helps @ByRoseSnake i have a friend who wondered 20 years ago whether to date someone who has bipolar.

She decided to go for it, and they’ve been happily married with two DC for 18 years

Im really sorry to hear this. It’s so hard to know how to navigate. I don’t have BP but suffer from depression and never know whether to raise that either. Hopefully once he’s had time to process it, you can talk about it and it’ll all work out.

He doesn’t want to deal with MH issues OP.
He already knows what that is like as his dad had serious depression and he doesn’t want to go back there.

I think it’s easy for people who’ve never had to deal with serious MH issues in loved ones to say he’s being inconsiderate. I have dealt with them and I think he was simply trying to protect himself.

Maybe you should have told him earlier before your heart was involved as it would have avoided this sad situation?
I’m really very sorry you’ve been hurt.

Sorry, just realised he has depression too. He doesn’t want to deal with any more I guess. Life is hard enough sort of thing?
And possibly he was looking for a partner to be the stable one and look after him at times too, which isn’t a great sign and best avoided from your point of view.

I can totally understand your upset , you thought this relationship was going well , it must have been hard knowing when it’s the right time to disclose this. Perhaps he’s had a bad experience with his dad’s depression and his own depression and feels adding a potential partner mh difficulties would be too much to deal with . If the relationship progressed and you had children maybe this would also be a concern as you could both have depressive episodes .

Thanks for all your responses - I haven't time to acknowledge or reply individually to them all, but I have read them. Very grateful for the different perspectives. My greatest fear was this being a sign that I'll never be able to have a happy long-term relationship, but I'm really reassured by those who have had experiences as being diagnosed/with a partner who is diagnosed.
I also thought the comment noting the risks of bonding over mental health issues and trauma in a relationship was insightful - I realise that I've done this time and time again in past relationships.

By no means was I trying to pull the wool over his eyes by telling him at 3 months, but I can see now that it may have been wise to do this much sooner. I've only just started coming to terms with this diagnosis myself, so there was a lot of uncertainty and fear about disclosing. I guess my hope was that he could get to see the positive parts of my personality first, not just a diagnosis. I guess I've also lived with this for so long that it feels 'normal' to me, forgetting that it can be frightening for those around me.

I have spoken a little more with him since posting and we're going to meet up later this week to talk in person. I think the theories regarding his own experiences with depression and living with his father's depression growing up being triggered were fairly accurate. He also said that it came out of nowhere, a shock etc, because it didn't seem to align with the person he'd been getting to know (someone who seemed upbeat and consistently stable, I guess, lol), so I asked him whether he would have preferred being told from the get go - he actually said he wasn't sure.

I'll see what else he has to say in person, but something feels off now - even if he did stay with me, I'm not convinced that he'll actually be 100% comfortable. It's not fair if he's going to feel on edge and I appreciate his right to walk.
I was also stung by the extreme way in which he reacted - I'm not sure if I'll feel comfortable staying with someone who makes aggressive demands for private info like medical records and 'old war tales' of when I've been ill.
That in itself could be a volatile mix if I were to have an episode. In the worse case scenario, I can also see the potential for gaslighting i.e. trying to convince me that behaviour of opinions are symptoms of an episode when they're actually not.

I'm taking this as a careful learning curve.

You have started from the assumption that you told him too soon, but for me it would have been too late. I would feel that you had been lying by omission, for want of a better phrase. I would feel I was now in a relationship that I might otherwise not have chosen.

Hi @ByRoseSnake - I’m in my 40s, not in a relationship & have only dated casually since getting a diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder (which is basically Schizophrenia with bipolar) in 2016 & more recently was diagnosed as having Autism too. I also have Epilepsy that is not well controlled by the medication.
When just casually dating, I literally told one guy that I have epilepsy.. & his expression just changed & he zoned out, sad to say the date soon ended.
The last man I dated was just before Covid.. he was far too controlling just 5 dates in so I dumped him; basically have not dated since then as I’ve had cycles of being unwell; then in 2023 I lost my Mum & became extremely unwell, it’s taken over 2 years to get well on new anti psychotic medication.
Now I feel far more confident & ready to date again - I’d like to meet a decent man who is more than just casual really, hopefully at work in my part time job or at the gym eg rather than online.
But my mental illness has a huge stigma! I mean only my 2 best friends I’ve known for 30 years know, & my line manager knows but her child also has a mental illness.
I did have quite a public psychotic breakdown at my last job about 10 years ago now, & certain individuals from that job are unfortunately in my current workplace. They definitely treat me differently to others. Like not adding me on Facebook but adding literally everyone else even the domestics who they barely know.
And if they invite people for dinner in front of me, myself & a colleague of mine (who has chronic anxiety) are left out - even though I have said to them their plans sound good.
So. Yes, when do you disclose really?
I’ve been told by support workers that I’m very good at masking - so it would be very tempting to not disclose for as long as possible!
I won’t be able to have children anyway so that is not an issue.
The problem is that I do struggle with daily tasks.. if a man got close to me they may notice that. It’s really difficult to hide some things.