Do avoidants see sense?

[soconfused19800]

First relationship after divorce lasted a few months. All was great, we got on well, both happy. Then one day, when I mentioned wanting to know details of plans, days, times etc and wanting to spend time with him, he decided it wasn’t working as we deal with things on different ways.

Since then (over a week ago), I have tried to get through to him, tried to make him see sense but he just ain’t budging! It’s all friendly, but I genuinely do not believe he has no feelings for me. I can’t shake it off.

He says he wants to be friends. I’m just struggling to understand how we can be great one minute and not the next.

He’s clearly an avoidant and I’m anxiously attached. I’ve never asked for much at all.

I’m just so sad it ended when things were going so well. Do I give him space to process it all in the hope he sees sense or just accept that it’s over?

What do you mean "see sense"? Maybe he just didn't feel that things were going well?

You are applying counselling/therapy type labels, which is a bit disconcerting for him, maybe.....

Hard to tell. Perhaps he wanted to keep things casual (and it seems he still does) but you clearly wanted more commitment/serious relationship. It is ok for him not to want that, it is not about seeing sense...

If he has broken up with you, I think you need to accept he has ended the relationship.

Please don’t cross the line into ‘bothering him’ territory. That will not help to improve your sense of self-esteem or your boundaries. Spend some time enjoying your own company, rather than introspection about relationship jargon and pop-psychology. Enjoy your freedom

He's not that into you, he's happy with a vague relationship, going out as and when, you are looking for something more serious. Why should he change? Just move on he's not the one.

In short: No. There is one thing you need to understand about avoidant people, @soconfused19800 - what seeing 'sense' is for you is not the same as it is for them. For them it makes sense to be distant. For you, it doesn't. By your measure or metric they will not. And that is what you are after.

If someone has a different idea of a relationship to yours, you are just not compatible, forcing it does not work.

Break ups with an avoidant are hard. Because its so sudden and there are no warning signs/ conversations to be had.
No they don't see sense. They may come back around and bread crumb you but they won't be able to commit without you compromising everything you value.
So it's painful, but you need to accept its over and protect your peace as it won't change and will be harder.
Expect a breadcrumb in like 6 months that you will need to ignore.

Sees sense? You mean capitulate to your wishes.

Sounds like you struggle to look at things from others’ point of view and he found your demands suffocating.

You are particularly emotionally vulnerable in the next relationship after a divorce or after a long term relationship.
I think you should go cold turkey and move on from this guy and not bother with trying to stay friends with someone who plays hot and cold.

How did your marriage end?

He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You can’t bully him into it.

Walk away with some dignity.

This can go one of two ways - you listen and hear him when he says stop I have had enough, OR you can chase him thinking you know better and desperately try to claw back his affections and fail.

Save yourself a lot of time and pain and hear the guy. Men will tell you who they are, what they can be bothered with and how much effort they are willing to make. He is not willing to do anything for you any more and you should be very clear on that. Avoidants love the doting they get and the confusion they leave behind after lovebombing in my experience and every even mildly anxiously attached person I have met can't help but reinforce this by scurrying around them professing undying love whenever they pull the plug. I have a family member who does it and it is predictably boring when you have seen it 10 times over even from women who have far more to offer than the man.

@Branleuse
Husband suddenly left. Was with a colleague days later. Now it’s just me and my kids.

This ‘avoidant/anxious attachement’ thing is just nonsense.

You liked him more than he liked you, so it’s over.

This. Its all bollocks really.

And if someone wanted to know my schedule that early in I'd be annoyed.

It’s was only at the get to know you stage, he has decided you want different things and not compatible.

Nothing to do with labels/attachment styles but been asked about plans constantly would freak me out. You werent compatible

Im so sorry op. What a horrible shock and betrayal.

I wonder if there is any counselling you could access?
What your ex did says a lot about him, and very little about you. This new man isn't the one for you, and you likely need to give yourself more time to heal after what you have gone though.
Resist the urge to get validation from men. The dating game is not how it used to be and I think that you would be wiser to focus on your female friends to build yourself back up again.

@Branleuse
Thank you. It has been an awful year. I have my Talking Therapies assessment this week so hoping counselling will follow shortly after.
Being with someone new made me so happy, just having those nights out and being ‘normal’ again. People on here assume I was too needy or can’t accept that someone doesn’t want me, but when someone tells you ‘we’re heading in the right direction’ one day and then decides I’m not for them the next, it’s very confusing.

@UpDownAllAround1
So what do you do? Guess when you’ll be meeting up next? How do you get to know someone without seeing them? I have children. I can’t just jump up and meet people when lever they decide. I need to arrange childcare.

‘Avoidant’ doesn’t mean what you seem to think it means.

This man doesn’t want a relationship with you. You’re not compatible. That doesn’t mean he is ‘avoidant’, it means you’re not what he’s looking for. You need to stop framing it as him needing to ‘see sense’ and respect his decision. A relationship with someone isn’t a thing you’re just entitled to because you happen to want one.

Anxious or avoidant attachment isn’t nonsense at all.

However, here I’m not sure if he’s avoidant or he just wasn’t feeling the relationship in the same way. Either way, it sounds like it was going so well from your point of view, OP, and that’s really hard. You need to step back now and respect his decision though. No good will come of chasing him.

You’re not compatible

stop using labels and therapy speak

This! These labels are largely meaningless. And “see sense” seems to mean “agree with me”.

If there's one thing that will drive someone away who tends towards an avoidant attachment style it's to chase them. You need to accept what he has said and move on. No one deserves to be stalked and everyone deserves to decide who and when they want to date. Imagine if you broke off a relationship and the guy started pursuing you saying he needed to make you see sense. You'd be thinking of calling the police if it went on too long.

I agree with a pp that avoidant etc labels are unhelpful.

Him seeing sense is another way of saying him doing things your way. If he doesn’t want to change, then he shouldn’t tbh. His boundaries and wishes from a partner are different to yours so I’d say you were fundamentally incompatible and that’s fine.

You’re not unreasonable to want plans etc and he’s not unreasonable to be happy with vague, go with the flow either. HIs approach would drive me nuts but it’s better to break up a few month in rather than fighting over this for years. He’s showing you who he is.

It seems he disagrees and doesn’t see the relationship going any further. He has said he just wants to be friends. He’s acknowledged what makes sense to him, time for you to accept his decision and move on.

Just because two people can have a laugh, enjoy each others company and spend a lot of time with someone does not mean you want a long term relationship. Your questions may have led him to make that call, it maybe why it seems so sudden.