Do avoidants see sense?

[soconfused19800]

First relationship after divorce lasted a few months. All was great, we got on well, both happy. Then one day, when I mentioned wanting to know details of plans, days, times etc and wanting to spend time with him, he decided it wasn’t working as we deal with things on different ways.

Since then (over a week ago), I have tried to get through to him, tried to make him see sense but he just ain’t budging! It’s all friendly, but I genuinely do not believe he has no feelings for me. I can’t shake it off.

He says he wants to be friends. I’m just struggling to understand how we can be great one minute and not the next.

He’s clearly an avoidant and I’m anxiously attached. I’ve never asked for much at all.

I’m just so sad it ended when things were going so well. Do I give him space to process it all in the hope he sees sense or just accept that it’s over?

If he really is an avoidant I’d cut my losses now and stay well away. It never gets better, they very rarely see sense and it takes years of therapy for them to change, and that’s only if they want it.

All you can do is work on your own attachment style, because while avoidants can be a nightmare to deal with and they get so much agro thrown at them for it, dealing with someone with an anxious attachment style can be just as damaging and draining.

Lost battle really, enjoy the friendship. No need to break your heart every time he feels he is getting “too attached” therefore needs to run away.

I am relatively close to my avoidant ex, I have some light avoidance tendencies as well even if I thought I had an anxious style during the rollercoaster having a relationship with him was. We are friends now, I know he deeply cares about me and I do care as much for him, where other people talk a lot about feelings he doesn’t… but his actions show more care for me than any other men I have been in a relationship with, but… we both know that this nice friendship will come to an end the moment either of us mention the R word. So we don’t talk about getting back together and enjoy the company, the space and quiet 😁

Do you actually have evidence that suggests he could have developed an avoidant attachment style? Childhood neglect or abuse? If so, he is likely to need a lot of therapy to manage relationships. If not, it sounds like he isn't that interested.

Either way, I'd invest time in yourself. It would be unlikely that your first relationship after divorce would be another long term one. Spend some time finding out who you are now, single, on the other side of a long marriage.

@Beenwhereyouareagain sometimes it's nice to be kind and show some support. By "sense" in context of the conversation I took this to mean him pulling back due to closeness.
Regardless of WHY he's pulled back (avoidant or not into her) the outcome is the same. They're not together.
Rather than pulling apart OPs post I wanted to show some compassion and understanding that avoidant attachment is very real, and if you've ever experienced a discard from an avoidantly attached person (I don't know if that's what it was, but it feels like that for the OP) it's very painful.
I didn't get from the OP that she's trying to say it's her way or the high way!

Not that I believe in those cod-psychology attachment labels but explain to me why being "avoidant" is "not seeing sense"? Most of what I read about being avoidant rings true with me and makes total sense.

One of my best friends went through this the week before Christmas. It was heartbreaking to see this beautiful, confident, bright, wonderful woman fall apart after being discarded like an empty paper bag!! No warning.

Remember OP, it’s not him you miss, it’s how he made you feel. It’s the excitement of feeling special, it’s someone holding a mirror up and reflecting all of your amazing traits back at you. He’s not rejecting you, he’s incapable of being what you need. He’s damaged and not worth your tears.

Please read more on the topic. This is genuinely him being defunct!! And your heartbreak is compounded by the trauma caused first by your pathetic ExH.

Avoidants should be made to wear a tag saying “toxic, do not engage!!”.

Wishing you well OP.

P.s. My friend saw her ex at an event in January (a month after he dumped her). He started orbiting. Then when they were chatting, he had the audacity to say that he was “happier now and had been depressed in their relationship” 😂 Total dick had rewritten the past. So expect the same if you ever have the misfortune to encounter him again. He still tries to orbit her by the way. I think the term is bread crumbing.

Which bears no resemblance whatsoever to the OP’s situation. She went out with a guy for a few months, still fragile after the end of her marriage, he ended it, and she’s not accepting it. This is her third thread on this.

I think others have siad the same but break ups with avoidants are very tricky and hurtful. I know people that have dated casually for a few weeks and meet up like grown ups to talk about it ending. Every understands and is clear . Avoidants make it feel like a bolt out of the blue and that is what is so hard to comprehend.
If you are anxiously attached then this is the absolute worst kind of relationship for you to be in, as hard as it is to hear. But he’s not the one for you, so the cleaner you make it the better for yourself . You should be able to feel safe and secure in a relationship and that will enable you to be in your ‘ feminine energy! This man won’t give you that unless he recognises it, gets therapy and changes . There is a life coach on Instagram called Coach Ryan who talks a lot about avoidants and he could be helpful for you .

"Her way or the highway?"
I didn't get that from her post, and I fail to see where you got that from mine. I also meant no unkindness. I understand anxious and avoidant attachment and suffered for a long time trying to make someone see that he should love me, we were compatible, and why couldn't he just see that.

Truth was, we weren't compatible, he was never going to love me the way I wanted, and he didn't feel any guilt because he didn't do anything wrong. He understood that about himself. I had to learn (with a therapist's help) how to see that we could both be right and neither be wrong about what we wanted from the situation. Once I accepted the situation as it was for each of us, things improved.When I was able to do that I stopped hating him and blaming myself because I couldn't make him love me enough. I found a little peace with the situation and was able to move on.

@soconfused19800 If you get a chance, google Radical Acceptance. It was such a relief to realize that I'm enough the way I am. It's not my job to fix everything- it never was.

If someone breaks up with you, they don’t want to be with you anymore. That’s literally it.

They’re not scared of the strength of their feelings, or too overwhelmed with powerful attraction, or terrified of heartbreak, or whatever people like to delude themselves is causing ‘avoidants’ to break up with them.

They don’t want to be in the relationship any more. That’s all you need to know. Please don’t embarrass yourself by trying to make them ‘see sense’. You don’t know their feelings better than they do.

He was casual or the overall vibe was off and he choose to end it.
It is likely how you want a calendar of set dates time & places is abit to much?
I would let it go delete his number and do not be surprised how many men use dating a sexual hookups or casual fun outings.

Trying to convince someone to be with you after they’ve broken it off is not a road you want to go down.

I just cannot imagine what compels people to do this.

I went out with a man in my youth who was nice enough, but quite uptight, and I knew after a few weeks that I wasn’t into him.

I tried to let him down gently, but he kept coming back, smugly asserting that he knew I still had feelings for him, and we were perfect for each other, etc.

Unfortunately, the only way I could eventually convince him to piss off and leave me alone was to be much harsher than I’ve ever wanted to be to anyone - because he would interpret anything I said with even the most perfunctory civility as a sign I was madly in love with him. 😳

I ended up having to put it in writing, very clearly and with great vehemence - that I did not like him at all, and was fucking sick of hearing from him. I still feel awful thinking about it - but it was that or just allow him to pester me forever, to spare his delusions!

He then went and told all our mutual friends that I was some sort of sick manipulator who took pleasure in leading people on and turning on them out of the blue. It was hardly out of the blue!! I’d been trying to break up with him for months, and he just flat out wouldn’t let me because he thought he knew better!

I get flashbacks to this horrible episode any time I see a post from someone who believes their boyfriend has no reasonable grounds for ending the relationship and must be brought into line.

He’s clearly an avoidant and I’m anxiously attached.
Alternatively, he is just not that into you, has broken it off and you need to accept that.
You are fresh out of a divorce. It really sounds like you could do with some time away from dating to focus on yourself. This thread reads like you are not yet ready to date.

I'm no fan of pop psychology, but this is not nonsense. Attachment styles are real, avoidants are ten a penny, and the avoidant-anxious pairing is commonplace but deadly. I even had an avoidant partner who made me anxiously attached, it's that bad!

OP, by 'see sense' you mean magically become securely attached (what you need) or anxious (what chimes with you). This will not happen. Chasing an avoidant for lurve will make you even more anxious.

You're only recently out of one sudden-death relationship, your trust has been shattered and you're feeling wobbly. You may have been attracted to this chap because you sensed he was holding back, so, paradoxically, felt less of a risk. Rookie error.

Were you always anxious, or did this happen as a result of your marriage? I'd say take a good long time to fall back in love with yourself and sort your values out. Do some therapy if you need a bit of help.

Explain why avoidants are "defunct" and "toxic" please? When I read about avoidant and anxious attachment, it seems to me that avoidants are far more emotionally healthy than the ones who are needy, overthink everything and require constant reassurance. Being in a relationship with an anxious person would be a nightmare to me. Whereas I suspect both DH and I would be labelled avoidants and our relationship is so blissfully drama-free.

Reading a few lines on an internet forum about someone who's said thanks but no thanks to someone who 'wants them to see sense' doesn't mean that you can declare them to be 'an avoidant' and then be taken seriously. This is just a regular guy not wanting OP as a romantic partner. End of.

Avoidant and anxious are both insecure attachment styles. One isn’t better than the other. If you’re an avoidant, then that’s going to feel more comfortable to you, though.

This!

It’s just harder to accept that someone just doesn’t want you, that’s all. But don’t diagnose people you barely even know, cos they don’t fancy you any more.

Also, amazing isn’t it, how it’s always the woman who is anxiously attached, and never a guy on the internet declaring that his Mrs is avoidant and what can he possibly do to healthily detach. FFS.

I’m really interested in who assessed both your attachment styles, which is a complex assessment in adulthood. What you’re describing is what you and he want in a relationship - relationship wishes and attachment style are two different things.

He wants to go with the flow, your circumstances don’t allow for that - there’s a basic incompatibility but that says nothing about your attachment style. As your circumstances change you may find it easier to go with the flow, as his circumstances change he may want a more planned approach. As it stands he wants to be friends, nothing to see sense over.

Some people like to be controlling however some people hate being controlled. It sounds like this is the dynamic here. You wanted a schedule from him and he ran for the hills. I would have too, even if I really really liked you

Speaking as an ex avoidant:

• while you thought it was going well he really didn’t but was masking his feelings because that is what avoidants are expert in
• you started getting needy and demanding and pushed him over the edge
• he finished with you

It’s over. Move on.

Call him an avoidant if it makes you feel better, but he’s just not into you. If he was, what you’re asking for wouldn’t be an issue. Move on OP, you deserve better than him.

All sounds very full on I’d be running for the hills

as a person I’m more impulsive with plans
so all this planning wouldn’t be for me nether or wrong it’s just not compatible

joining the chorus of others about the seeing sense it doesn’t paint you in a good light as in my way or it’s the wrong way and seems very controlling