Do avoidants see sense?

[soconfused19800]

First relationship after divorce lasted a few months. All was great, we got on well, both happy. Then one day, when I mentioned wanting to know details of plans, days, times etc and wanting to spend time with him, he decided it wasn’t working as we deal with things on different ways.

Since then (over a week ago), I have tried to get through to him, tried to make him see sense but he just ain’t budging! It’s all friendly, but I genuinely do not believe he has no feelings for me. I can’t shake it off.

He says he wants to be friends. I’m just struggling to understand how we can be great one minute and not the next.

He’s clearly an avoidant and I’m anxiously attached. I’ve never asked for much at all.

I’m just so sad it ended when things were going so well. Do I give him space to process it all in the hope he sees sense or just accept that it’s over?

Maybe play it cool for a while let him wonder if you are still interested in him not the other way round.

@disturbiahe dumped her! He’s not interested and the OP is going to have to accept it and not keep this going mentally.

Listen to Miranda and get on with your day.

Maybe he isn't an 'avoidant person'. Maybe he just doesn't think you've enough in common.

Why would he suddenly change his mind? People don't usually once they've spilt up with someone. It could get undignified for you to be seen as begging him back.

Forget him and move on with your life. And maybe stop labelling yourself and others with cod psych-speak.

Thought she said he still wanted to be friends with her but may have misread the messages

It’s an easy letdown innit. He probably didn’t mean it but the OP has been trying to make him ‘see sense’ so maybe he felt pressured to say ‘we can still be friends’.

I really appreciate your replies and I totally understand that views will differ.

Perhaps he did just lose interest, but that’s not what the texts and our meet ups tell
me. Everything was great just a day before. So, I’m not in denial. This was a decision he made overnight, which is why I have been left puzzled trying to understand it. The reason I said ‘see sense’ is because he had said so many things to me that suggested he was pleased with the way things were heading.

I am the least demanding person you could meet. I asked for time. Nothing else. I didn’t ask to see him 24/7. I had my mum head on, need to know times so that childcare could be arranged.

He was the one who was always so keen to introduce me to his friends, discuss future plans etc.

Everything was going well so yes I do still struggle to understand what went wrong and why we suddenly ‘won’t work’.

Avoidants are real head messers. Avoid him.

He might have been thinking about this for a while though.

@rwalker, @Heartshapedlips - it's lovely to be free-flowing and impulsive if you've no responsibilities. OP said she needed to schedule their meetings because she has to arrange childcare. That's hardly controlling!

This is why relationships with people like that are a total headfuck . Because it blindsides you. You should never be left wondering or confused . Like I said on my earlier post we are all adults and I know people that have been in casual ‘situationships’ that have had better and more adult breakups. You’re bound to be confused . But stay away from him. This could make someone anxiously attached go into Hyperspin. You need love and stability and you deserve
someone’s actions to match with their words.
You've done nothing wrong , he just wasn’t meant for you. Let him go. He will be back and when he does tell him you can’t cope with the emotional immaturity.

@AnaisVB
Thank you. He has been really lovely about everything so I’m thankful for that and I’m sure we could still be friends, but it will always baffle me!
I do need to just let go of all this now and focus on me and my kids. It really takes it out of you being in a relationship again! Too much overthinking!

@Heartshapedlips
As you know very little about me and seem quite an angry person, I’ll let that go.

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime
He’s very straight talking and said in previous relationships that he basically nodded his head and did whatever he needed to keep the peace. He doesn’t do this anymore so im
pretty sure that if he had concerns early in the relationship he would have made them known. He just says it how it is.

@Epicuriouss
Very supportive, thank you 🙄

@Jellycatspyjamas
You do not need to be an expert to understand different attachment styles, you just need a bit of common sense!

'He’s clearly an avoidant and I’m anxiously attached. I’ve never asked for much at all.'

Stop pursuing uninterested men. See how "anxiously attached" you are then.

'An avoidant'

Oh my gosh, what is with all the therapy speak on Mumsnet?

He told you it wasn't working for him and he just wants to be friends.

That's a completely normal decision and one that thousands of people make every single day when dating.

It doesn't make them 'avoidants' 🙄

I think when a marriage ends for whatever reason you can end up pinning so much hope on the next person.

This man suits you but unfortunately you don't suit him, he has a choice and the free will to end your relationship, this means op however hard, painful or senseless it feels to you, it doesn't matter, you have to respect someones's wishes.

Let him go.
I'm sure there will be others.

By the way, he's not an avoidant.

He did not avoid telling you his truth that he no longer wanted to be with you, he confronted the situation and you and said he wanted to terminate the relationship.

If anything you are the avoidant, avoiding the reality of the situation.

He's not into you and he said 'no'. Don't be creepy and controlling going on about 'making him see sense' and attachment styles.

You dated for a few months. He's a rebound after a divorce and a bad year. He ain't the one OP.

Accept it, stop all contact, allow yourself to be a bit down for a couple of days, eat ice cream/watch a film (or go jogging whatever floats your boat) and move on - you'll be happier for it.

I'm not a psychologist but I married the world's biggest avoidant and here's my 2c.

If he introduced you to his friends and talked about the future that isn't how my husband was. Those things were like pulling teeth. He kept me at arms length for years.

However, he was always clear he wanted to be with me. He was always okay to make short term plans because he always wanted to be with me.

As for if they change: Yes, my husband says he misses me when he's at work. He's completely loved up, doting, intimate, loving and he's Mr Committed but whoah did he take his time.

Your guy sounds more conflict avoidant / future faker.

You're using 'attachment styles' as a shorthand for a stereotype of someone's behaviour in an adult relationship. That's not what attachment styles are. Regardless though, people have different relationship styles, and someone being more laid back or less interested than you doesn't make them 'wrong'. When you say you want them to 'see sense' what you're inferring is that they're thinking in a stupid way and you want them to think the correct way, ie your way. You can't make someone share your opinion and it's pretty mean to suggest that the reason they don't share your opinion is because they have some sort of problem making connections with people.