Do avoidants see sense?

[soconfused19800]

First relationship after divorce lasted a few months. All was great, we got on well, both happy. Then one day, when I mentioned wanting to know details of plans, days, times etc and wanting to spend time with him, he decided it wasn’t working as we deal with things on different ways.

Since then (over a week ago), I have tried to get through to him, tried to make him see sense but he just ain’t budging! It’s all friendly, but I genuinely do not believe he has no feelings for me. I can’t shake it off.

He says he wants to be friends. I’m just struggling to understand how we can be great one minute and not the next.

He’s clearly an avoidant and I’m anxiously attached. I’ve never asked for much at all.

I’m just so sad it ended when things were going so well. Do I give him space to process it all in the hope he sees sense or just accept that it’s over?

This seems quite soon after your marriage ended so I wonder whether you were trying to get too serious too soon? He may have avoidant attachment, and the timescales fit for him to become fearful of committing and withdrawing. Or he may just have thought of this as casual and trying to pin him down to dates could be offputting.
Making him ‘see sense’ sounds controlling. He’s told you he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship so leave it at that. I’d engage in the therapy before you try to date again. Once you’re happy in yourself or on your own, you can generally make better dating decisions. If you ‘need’ a man, you don’t tend to attract the right ones.

Ah! The avoidant. Mine was s one too. I was a secure attached but became anxious. I learned so much, did so much research and now we're working well. Might I suggest you focus on yourself. Your own life, hobbies and friends. He'll likely come back but the second you show a morcel of anxiety, badgering him, needing affirmations he will be off again. I used to ask mine all the time. Do you love me? Are we ok? And so on. Oh, it's flipped now because I worked on me. It's hard to describe but you don't feed the cycle. You give him space while showing him you don't need him to regulate your emotions.

If he said it isn't working because you see things in different ways personally I'd just say OK, especially if it was over text, quite literally "OK, it was nice getting to know you" and stop replying to messages because he's basically ended it, if he was avoidant he would have just ghosted you tbh. Don't ask for explanations, if you're tempted to text him after a few drinks with the girls just delete his number and block completely to stop you being tempted.

That's how I dealt with the cut throat world of online dating and also ended some in that way as well so it works both ways really. Please don't let it upset you or wonder what you did wrong, just straighten your Crown and move on, spend a nice sunny day in the park with the kids and forget about him

Do you mean, for example that you want to make a standing arrangement every Thursday night?

I understand you have to fit stuff around your kids

It may be that you asking the question made him realise a lot of things

It isn't about him seeing sense
He's just made a decision that you don't like

I would say it's quite understandable that a practical question made him stop and think

Even if it's asking himself if he wants to commit to every Thursday

He doesnt

And you want different things

So it's time to move on

All I can add is put your energy back to yourself. Love yourself enough to know whats meant for you will stay and you don't need to chase. There is someone else out there for you
One day at a time, delete his number, it will get easier as each day passes

Attachment style is not nonsense and you are absolutely wrong. OP is clearly describing a relationship between her as an anxious attached and an avoidant.

@soconfused19800 they do not change or 'see sense'. The more you seek to have your needs met, the more they need space and distance. It's a hiding to nothing. Prioritise yourself and walk away. And don't stay friends, because that's just another breadcrumbing opportunity for them.

Oh and just to add. If it's only been a few months I'd just move on. It's not worth the pain.

Hi OP I am also dating an avoidant after a long marriage and divorce. It can feel very lonely at times. DM me if you want to chat as I believe unless you’ve experienced avoidants you don’t really know what they’re like! In short to your answer, I don’t think they do change. To do that there would have to be some awareness around the avoidance which with an avoidant is unlikely as it would require self reflection and sitting with uncomfortable feelings. Which is the main thing that they avoid. My advice? Run! Or at least don’t commit in a way that would make it hard for you to leave.

'See sense' is such insulting language. Why is what you want sensible, and what he wants is not? He is entitled to his feelings, just as you are.

He was a fun fling after your divorce, it doesn't have to be more than that. It's better to wish him well then cut all contact, rather than have this push/pull anxious attachment to a man who clearly doesn't want the same things you do. You will drive yourself mad trying to fit a round peg into a square hole otherwise.

just re-read your post OP. Sorry to hear that it ended like that. Avoidants can be incredibly confusing. They both crave and fear intimacy and connection. They like to control the space between you. When it feels as though it’s becoming too close that’s when they pull back. It’s typical avoidant push/pull cycle. You are better off without him.

Oh please. What’s he avoidant of? Someone he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with. That isn’t avoidant, that’s not being into the OP. Which he has every right to decide, without being diagnosed with TikTok labels.

Since then (over a week ago), I have tried to get through to him, tried to make him see sense but he just ain’t budging!

Which part of his "no" did you fail to understand??

Have you read the book Attached, OP? There's good advice in there for people with an anxious attachment style. Basically stay away from avoidants like the plague as the anxiety they will cause will drain you of energy to focus on other important things in your life. If your husband left you suddenly there may be a pattern of you being attracted to unreliable, abandoning types. Work on it in therapy before you get into your next relationship. This man has done you a favour leaving you now before you've invested much.

Excellent advice. It's bloody painful dealing with an avoidant.

Sorry it sounds like you are dealing with a confusing situation and have been through a rough time with the end of your marriage. Dating after divorce can be an emotional rollercoaster, particularly with online dating. You did nothing wrong by communicating your needs and expectations. The guy didn't like that? That is on him. One of the best things someone told me, is be really clear at the outset - 1st, 2nd date about what you want and need. Even then, unfortunately you may get about turns or changes of heart. He has bailed it seems, and it's best to accept it.

With online dating in my experience, people don't always know themselves that well or are reeling from bad break ups or are serial daters, so what you can get from some guys can be confusing at best. I definitely had a couple of guys who did complete about turns where things were going well one day, off the next.

It takes time to actually see what someone is about, and typically more than 6 months imo. Guys having freak outs at around the 3 month mark happened a few times when I was dating, and I did it a couple of times myself....

Do you really want a relationship right now? How about building friendships and getting out and about with Meetup groups and new hobbies? That may give you a bit of time to process and decide what you want, as online dating post divorce can end in love but finding it can be an emotional rollercoaster.

It sounds like you believe your views are more valid than his. Any chance he has picked up on this vibe?

"Seeing sense" is seeing things your way and not getting he doesn't. That's patronizing.

This is a relationship of a few months and when you pushed for details and time and plans, he backed off and broke it off. He's not necessarily avoidant, he just want to leave things more casual.

Respectfully, OP, and I mean this gently, you’ve posted about this before. You seem to be struggling to accept his decision. He didn’t want to be with someone who preplanned, you didn’t want to be with someone you couldn’t plan ahead with. It wasn’t working for either of you.

They aren’t ’TikTok labels’ they’re a widely used and recognised within developmental/social psychology. They have been around way longer than the internet.

Do you do this with physical health issues too - just simply deny their existence? Or do you only do that with well-researched and documented psychological phenomena like attachment theory? It's not a good look.

Not a good look? Gasps in horror

Hes been clear hes said no thank you to a relationship so I dont think you should kid yourself he loves you or "feels something"

What you consider seeing sense he might see as you being delusional and kidding yourself.

Hes broken up with you, it doesnt make him avoidant just uninterested

You can’t make him ‘see sense’ because his sense makes sense to him, not you. I think he’s just not in to you, he perhaps liked it when it was casual and you asking a few question for your own clarity made him feel it was more serious than he wanted? (It’s perfectly fine for you to ask questions btw, I understand that).

But remember no means no and is a complete sentence, you have to respect his decision even if you don’t like it or agree. Walk away and don’t contact him again.

Isn't "sense" subject to what one feels or believes? It's not objective and your or @soconfused19800's opinions of what makes sense obviously doesn't fit with what he thinks.

He's allowed to make a decision based on his feelings without being hit with multiple versions of "No, but.... and You're wrong!" because in effect that's what's happening.

OP, if a person doesn't feel the same way you do, it's not always that their perception is off. They feel how they feel, so respect that.

I understand your anxiety and confusion, but he told you he just wants to be friends. Please accept that and don't spend your time trying to make him see things differently. You deserve to have peace about this which will come from acceptance.🌹

Is the OP and those posting, trained psychologists, or are they just pulling labels out of their arse from the very one sided account of what in reality is just a simple end of a relationship.