Sister and husband clash

[Frustrated567]

I (F, 40) have been married (M, 41) for 10 years. Over the years, my husband has grown to dislike my sister immensely. She can stir the pot a little, be a little intense and sniggers over things that aren’t really funny, i.e. one of our children misbehaving.
She left her ex husband for another guy and their divorce was quite messy, and she exaggerated how her ex was unsafe and unstable towards her and the children, so he wasn’t allowed to see them much.
Despite all of this, she’s my sister and I see her regularly.
However, my husband is fiercely principled and will not spend any time with her. This is causing a lot of issues between us, and I feel really sad that he can’t just ‘get on with it’ and be in the same room as her a few times a year.
We have recently been invited to a wedding, and her and her partner will be there. My husband is refusing to go, and I feel really let down about it, and struggling to understand why he won’t come for my sake. I have to keep making excuses for him, and it’s left me questioning his love for me, and our marriage.
AIBU?

Another team DH here. Good for him for setting boundaries. Your sister sounds awful. If my sister did what yours did to her ex DH, I would want nothing to do with her. If you insist that you have to have a relationship with her then dont involve your DH and see her on your own.

He is being an idiot about the wedding. It's understandable to not want her in his house or to refuse to go to her house because she does sound awful.

But silly to refuse to attend somewhere just because she will be there. Why can't he go and just not interact with her and her partner?

You don’t keep having to make excuses for him.

Just tell everyone exactly why he won’t spend time in the company of your sister.

If you’re not prepared to do this, should he perhaps be questioning your love for him, and your marriage?

Because she stirs the pot, i.e. would be likely to goad DH into something.

I'm with DH. He's not saying that you can't go he's decided he doesn't want to go, which is perfectly valid. Perhaps he can think of better ways to spend his time than trying to avoid a person he doesn't like at such a small event.

Getting Gia vibes from MAFSAUS

You do not have to give chapter and verse, just say unfortunately my DH is unable to be here today, no more no less.

This… doesn’t that worry you @Frustrated567 that because he’s not going along with the “sis is amazing” schtick, that he and your kids will be the victims of her twisted lies?
if she starts sobbing about him being abusive… you’ll go along with the lies again?
I mean you didnt care about her kids having their dad removed from their lives due to her lies.. you’d obviously go along with the lies again to keep her happy?

This is utterly disgusting. I’m not surprised your DH won’t be near your sister. Can you imagine having limited contact with your kids because your spouse cooked up a situation like this and went off fucking someone else 😱. Not to mention the kids have had their father demonised and their relationship with him damaged. This is so far beyond the pale. I bet if you were assaulted and scared, you’d want to be believed. But because of people like your sister, you might not be.

i can’t believe you bother with her. She’s actually scum.

Thank you everyone for your opinions. It’s genuinely really helpful. I guess I’ve been looking at things with rose-tinted glasses and trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because she’s my sister.

I understand why it is difficult for you, but what she has done is really disturbing. Especially if your dh had a relationship with his ex bil. I totally understand him wanting nothing to do with her. She can't be trusted.

She left her ex husband for another guy and their divorce was quite messy, and she exaggerated how her ex was unsafe and unstable towards her and the children, so he wasn’t allowed to see them much.

I once worked very briefly with a woman who did something like that. She was entirely open with us that she had lied about her husband's behaviour in order to get permission from the courts to go and live abroad with the children (to join another man). That still prays on my mind.

So I'm absolutely team DH here. That's despicable behaviour and if a father lied about a mother that way, to get custody, we'd all go ballistic.

Yes, I’m also team DH. Your sister is not someone I’d want to spend time with. He has not asked you not to see her. You should not be trying to persuade him to see her. If there are people who will ask where he is then I would advise telling them beforehand that he won’t be coming.

Whew this is pretty awful OP, sorry. I wouldn't feel comfortable being around someone like this either. Not just because of this terrible thing she did, but because you have to be very wary of manipulative people - they won't hesitate to manipulate you for their benefit, and this can range from making social situations awkward to being an actual dangerous presence in your life. I can see why your husband refuses point blank to be around her. This isn't just two people who don't get on.

Thirty people is too small a wedding to expect him to suck it up. I went to a small ceremony/lunch recently with just 25 people and if two of them had hated each other they wouldn't really have been able to avoid each other comfortably for the whole thing. A big wedding with 100+ guests might be a different story.

You don't have to explain his absence at all. Just say he has work or family commitments or something.

Perhaps he doesn’t trust her not to ‘stir the pot’ in your marriage too. In which case he does right to keep well away.

She likes to goad people and stir the pot. She has claimed abuse to diminish her children's contact with their father. That's parental alienation and it's considered a form of child abuse where I am.

She doesn't like your husband, am I right? What makes you think she won't try to start shit and make false claims about him?

He knows it. That's why he stays away from her. He has set a boundary for himself that he won't be around her. You need to respect his boundary. He is ok with you going.

If you don't respect his boundary, this is your sister coming between you and your husband.

Frankly, I think he's right.

Parental alienation is terrible for the kids. It happened to me after my parents divorced and it leaves lasting scars.

If I was the person who had invited him to my wedding I would be rather put out if he couldn’t set his feelings about another guest aside for one day and celebrate my wedding with me.

You’ve grown up with her so regard what she does as normal. But it’s not and your DH is right. you’re a boat steadier and you’ve been taught how not to rock the boat.

Your inertia and fog (fear obligation and guilt) when it comes to her hurts you as well as your DH and family.
read this article too about MIL and change that for sister.

www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?rdt=56919

Team DH here. Shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if she were DH’s sister & he wasn’t protecting you?

But surely your DSis knows your DH doesn’t like her @Frustrated567 or is she sitting in blissful oblivion to the situation.

I know family dynamics are tricky but isn’t it better that everyone knows where they stand and each can therefore do what they need to do to avoid confrontation and maintain some level of peace.

Well I’m not Team DH at all. He sounds a bit insufferable actually with regards this issue. I think judging your sister is fine and avoiding get togethers at her house or other family is fine but to duck out of someone’s wedding because he doesn’t agree with the morality of another guest is giving me “ Main character syndrome”. The fact you have to come with an excuse for him would also piss me off. Let him come up with the excuse and RSVP.

He’s behaving like a child. There’s boundaries and then there’s boundaries.
If he doesn’t like her, fine, don’t socialise with her/ as a couple. However not going to a wedding because she is there is childish. No one likes every single person at a wedding. All he has to do is a polite hello and then avoid. He’s being performative and quite selfish.

Did you miss the bit where she’s a liar who likes stirring the pot?

What makes you think she won’t try to fuck up the wedding by baiting DH?