I’m writing this after yet another week of spending no time with my DH. We’ve been married for 5 years, together 10. We have a pre school age DS. Things started to fall apart during my pregnancy and have never recovered. Despite our DS being planned, DH completely went off me from basically the moment I found out I was pregnant. Very little intimacy during pregnancy and certainly none once I was showing. No cuddles, kisses or affection. DH started staying up late and sleeping on the sofa. I have found out in the last few months that during this time he developed a porn addiction and would stay up til the early hours watching it. This continued for around 3.5 years until I found out about it all around 9 months ago. DH would lie next to me in bed until 2-3am watching porn whilst I was sleeping and then refuse to get up with DS in the mornings as he was too tired, plus would be in an awful mood due to lack of sleep. I’d been genuinely sympathetic that he had stress related insomnia and had suggested going to the GP so many times but he was actually just staying up late waiting for me to fall asleep so he could watch porn.
Generally speaking, we spend little to no time together. DH is always either out at a hobby or socialising or working late. On the rare occasion that we could spend some time together, DH will often choose to watch sport alone, although this is rare as he’s often just not in the house until very late. I don’t have a social life or any hobbies because inevitably on the nights that I’ve made plans DH is stuck at work (apparently) so I always need to scramble around for someone to watch DS last minute which is often unsuccessful or end up cancelling, which is really stressful. I don’t have a village or any real support so it’s just me.
DH has no interest in family life with me and DS and happily goes days without really seeing or speaking to either of us if he’s busy. I also do 99% of all chores, cooking, cleaning, childcare and all admin for running our house and family life.
I have tried to speak to DH about spending more time as a couple but he’s just not interested and is always too busy. I plan stuff with DS to busy myself on the weekends but I have been feeling quite lonely within my marriage for a few years now. I have tried to express how unhappy I am to DH but I’m largely just ignored as he doesn’t want to discuss it. I don’t get the impression that he’s actually happily married to me, but that he is happy with the arrangement as it suits him. I help him to run a business which makes a lot of money and allows him a lovely lifestyle (I have no access to this money) hence why he spends a lot of time out of the house socialising and doing hobbies.
Does anyone have any experience with this? Is there anything I should or could be doing to try to fix this?