Would you think this was strange? Total lack of communication!

[EverythingAndNothingThatMatters]

I'll keep this brief.

I've noticed recently that my partner has become less communicative. Even just about really simple stuff.

The most recent example is this.

Last night, I went out with some friends. We usualy go out alone but this time. The set up was this - friend 1 and her husband; friend 2 is married but she came alone as he had other plans; friends 3 and 4 both single; friend 5 is male but he had to pull out at the last minute; me.

I invited my partner when it was first planned about 4 weeks ago. He said it sounded good but would depend on his plans (he usually has band practice once a week - the night can change so this isn't a problem).

Before leaving last night, I told him that friend 5 wasn't going. And asked him if he was coming.

He didn't give me an answer. He didn't say anything. He sat in the garden drinking tea on his phone and I got ready.

I came downstairs to leave and he offered me a lift. Still hadn't said anything about whether he was coming or not.

This has become a bit of a pattern recently where he just doesn't communicate small things to me so I took it as he didn't want to come and decided I'm not chasing him.

He dropped me off, still said nothing and went home.

When I got home he asked about the evening so I told him. He seemed 'surprised' that friend 1's husband had been (I had told him). And said he'd have gone if he'd known he wouldn't be the only man. He didn't want to go and spoil the dynamic of an all women evening.

He likes my friends and they like him so no problem there.

So, if I'd reminded him that friend 1's husband was going then he would have gone. But if he'd given me a, "Ah no, I thanks for asking but I don't want to he the only man there," response, I would have reminded him.

This isn't actually about whether he came or not, whether he secretly doesn't like my friends but the fact that he didn't actually tell me he wasn't coming. I had to infer it from his complete silence.

This sort of thing has cropped up a few times. I'm trying to work out if he's just completely avoiding saying anything to me for some reason.

We talk all thentime about politics, films, work, our respective children, stuff that needs doikg in the house but anything to do with 'us' he has just stopped communicating at all - he hadn't even said he wasn't going out this week because there was no band practice. Just zero communication about life stuff at all.

Why didn’t you just ask him a second time? Because you assumed you already had your answer, which indeed you did: he didn’t want to come. Fair enough.

But you are going beyond that. You are accusing him of deliberately withholding the question about other men being there because he knew that if he asked, he would have no excuse not to go.

Why are you in a relationship with someone you assume the worst of?

If it had been the first time, then yes, of course I would.

I suppose, yes, I did assume the worst and my confidence in the whole thing has been rocked a bit by it all, tbh.

Maybe I'm 'overthinking' or seeing problems that aren't there but something is off. I just don't know what it is...

No, nothing I've that.

I don't thinkntheres anyone else. I think he's lost interest in me.

But it isn’t as simple as that either.

It's a lovely sunny day today. He messaged earlier to ask what I wanted to do after work. So I'm currently waiting for him in the beer garden of a local pub. He's messaged to say he's on his way. So he's communicated about that. He wouldn't just leave me not knowing that.

When we do stuff on our own, it's less noticeable. But he's also shown less interest in going for a night out with me.

It's really hard to explain.

Yes, it’s really hard to explain why you think he’s lost interest in you when he’s taken the initiative to message you to make plans to hang out with you.

This is it though.

Today he has.

Yesterday he didn't.

If I suggest going out of an evening, I get the same non committal response.

It's hard to explain because it's so c9ntradictory.

Like I say, there's 'something' going on. I just don't know what.

You both sound as bad as each other at communicating - you ask once and assume he heard and didn’t want to respond because he looked at you. And he didn’t say anything.

Maybe he didn’t hear you so was waiting for
you to invite him?

But equally if my partner blanked a direct question I would’ve said “hello?! Are you coming later?” And made him answer me….

Yesterday he didn’t want to go on a night out with the girls.

Seems to me like you’ve created a scenario in which he knew another man would be there so that you can make it out to be weird.

He could be a bit like my DH. Conversations with him can go like this:

Me: "I'm going to X event on such and such date and I was wondering whether you wanted to come as well, although we might not be back in time to feed the cats, so do you want to come anyway or not?".

He hears: "I'm going to X event on such and such date <blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah> feed the cats <blah blah blah blah blah blah>"

To which he replies "Yes, OK".

So I think he's said yes to coming with me. Thing is - he has switched off, completely tuned out most of it and filled in the blanks himself with what he thinks I've said, and he is answering ok because he thinks I have asked him to feed the cats when I'm out.

A week later we have the almost inevitable disagreement about who said what.

Could he be a bit deaf?

When, instead, someone else's husband had a night out with the girls because he didn’t go.

Yes and he has hearing aids which is why I make sure I get his attention first and ask him direct questions.

Anyway, I asked him. He doesn't have a reason why he didn't answer.

Tbh if I said to DH "are you coming tomorrow? Jack is ill so can't" and he didn't respond I'd be repeating the question. "DH, yes or no?". "why are you refusing to answer me?" etc. He's either got an issue with hearing / focus etc or being deliberately rude

I have thought about this a lot.

A year or so ago, I would have naturally repeated it jist like i would have asked about other things. But nowadays, it just feels a bit pointless.

That's the shift I suppose.

@EverythingAndNothingThatMatters - but it seems like you're ignoring all the positives and focussing on one relatively minor negative. You talk all the time about a range of topics. He gave you a lift to the event. He asked you about it when you got back. He messages to ask what you want to do after work. Not sure how long you've been together; perhaps in the early phase of your relationship when you were just getting to know each other and wanting to show yourself at your best, perhaps he listened a bit more attentively. But it sounds like there is still so much that's good and the early intensity does tend to evolve into something quieter but deeper over time. It sounds to me like there is lots of evidence of strength and depth in the attachment between you but you seem determined to focus on what you perceive as lacking.

Yes, you probably have a point.

I'm feeling very negative about myself at the moment and I don't think it's helping. Thank you for the perspective.

Just to give a slightly different point of view.

Your posts are saying that you still interact normally about small talk or politics, that he still wants to hang out with you, that he likes your friends and enjoys their company, that you don’t think he’s cheating - basically that the relationship is good.

That he has hearing loss and wears a hearing aid, that over the last year he has become increasingly vague about his own plans and sometimes doesn’t answer appropriately when you ask him a question. That he can’t explain to you why he doesn’t answer.

My gut feeling would be that he needs a gp appointment rather than worrying about the relationship……

I know when he hasn't heard me.

My adult daughter is also deaf and bilaterally aided. I can tell the difference between someone who hasn't heard me and someone who isn't answering me.

He heard me.

Today he messaged you, made plans and communicated properly because THEY WERE HIS PLANS.

The night out with friends WERE YOUR PLANS.

That's the difference OP. It's very, very subtle and why you can't put your finger on it. He's not interested (anymore) in slotting into your life but is quite happy for you to slot into his for the moment. He is slowly disengaging.