Am I dating a narcissist or am I just insensitive?

[Downinthebottomofthegarden]

I'm confused and irritated, but I might be just insensitive.
So, I'll meet my partner after work and we'll chat. But the chat quick centres around his day and conversations he's had with his work colleagues. He'll repeat word for word things he's said to his colleagues and then their response. And it goes on. For some reason, it doesn't feel genuine, almost as if he's trying to paint himself in a certain light - it doesn't seem candid. And it irks me, but I'm not sure if I'm missing something. Perhaps he's seeking validation in some way? Either way, I sit through these conversations and I'm left feeling like he's trying to impress me with things he's said to other people who I don't know and have no real interest in.

He's not a narcissist, he's a selfish twat.

Yes, half the time it feels like he's not interested in listening to me or making a conversation, he's just waiting to talk himself.

Everyone who is in a relationship that is not working is dating a narcissist these days! and every man who tells a lie now and then is gaslighting.

Playing his advocate here- do you think he's stressed and needing to vent? Either way it sounds like hard work for you.. You're going to have to say something, maybe along the lines of " let's leave work at work please"
. Good luck 🤞

so why are you still dating him?

I don't believe it's stress, or at least not work related. His job is low stress.

He just sounds like a boring twat.

100% agree @BauhausOfEliott Couldn't tolerate that level of self centred ego mania.

Start interrupting his boring work stories with absolutely anything else @Downinthebottomofthegarden (thanks for that username and the Poddington Peas theme song I just had to sing)

Or stop meeting him after work for a couple of weeks, be very busy and only see him at weekends. He might have more interest if you aren't so readily available or you might realise you are happier without him.

Nobody can say if he's a narcissist or not because diagnosing from a far is unethical and quite frankly unhelpful.

What I will say is this is RIDICULOUSLY common. People in general do not know how to hold a conversation nowadays. This goes for both genders. I, my and me are everyone's favourite topics of conversation. It's gotten to a strange point where people talk at people rather than to them (this is coming from someone who in the 2000's was considered 'socially inept'). Instead of a back and forth dialogue it tends to be one sided.

There's a certain degree of grace that needs to be given for example if you ask 'how was your day at work?' don't be surprised that he tells you about his day. Be prepared to lead the conversation if he doesn't clock he's boring you than just tell him. He'll either leave or adapt. Either way problem solved.

This.

Just glaze over and say 'I don't know who these people are and I'm afraid your work stories aren't really very interesting. Can we talk about something else?' Then change the subject.

If that doesn't work I'd have to get rid. He sounds dull and also bizarre if the tales he tells have the essence of being untruthful.

Am struggling to understand why you are with him if you don’t enjoy talking to him or being in his company TBH.

Isn't that normal for a man?

(It's normal for everyone IME but I don't have much conversation. I can't imagine boring anyone with the minutiae of my day at work.)

Agree with @FettchYeSandbagges - he is a self absorbed bore!

How long have you been with him? I don’t understand how you could have got into a relationship with him in the first place if he’s like this (and it bothers you that he’s like this). This is more like behaviour people complain about from a colleague who they don’t have a choice but to spend time with. You DO have a choice, it’s got nothing to do with you being ‘oversensitive’ (which I don’t think is the right word for this context anyway) that behaviour would be enough to put anyone off. If he’s always been like this and it bothers you, then it’s not going to get any better, it’s who he is. I’d just leave. If it’s a new behaviour (which I think is unlikely cos this sounds more like his personality rather than an isolated behaviour) I’d talk to him about, be upfront and ask him why he feels the need to impress you with these stories. Tell him you find it off-putting. If you love everything else about him and it’s only this, and it’s a recent behaviour then there might be a tiny chance he’s just had some sort of weird personality blip but I do think it’s highly unlikely. He’s not a narcissist though. Narcissists are way more clever than that. They often come off charming, make you feel special etc. A narcissist would make himself sound funny, popular, needed etc in a much more sophisticated way than that

Whatever label you put on it, it sounds like he's boring the tits off you. Do you want another 20/30/40 years of this?

I dated a guy like this for a couple of months. He was nice just so terribly boring to converse with! Exactly the same, drone on about himself, ask me a question very rarely and not listen to the answer. Dump.

Yes, do.

He just sounds boring to me.

Is this gossip about people you don’t even know? Sounds v boring.

What do you see in him? Does he have any redeeming qualities?
what attracted you to him in the first place?
can you do deep and meaningful where you feel truly bonded and seen and heard?

How long have you been dating? If you think he has other redeeming qualities then you could offer him constructive feedback whenever he starts talking about himself. If he does not acknowledge and respond to your feedback (or is defensive) then just dump him. It’s not going to get any better. If he’s that self-absorbed, he’s not going to be very supportive if you have a crisis (or kids).

I don't want to sound inconsiderate @Downinthebottomofthegarden , but have you tried the revolutionary idea of maybe talking about it with him? Chances are, he doesn't even realise that he is boring/annoying this way. Talk about how it all makes you feel and how it sounds like. Should he have better communication skills and awareness? Definitely. But he clearly doesn't. Talk. Don't just endure and die inside. Why not try and see what happens? People love immediately saying "dump him", as he is not perfect, so of course, that is the only viable solution.. But if other aspects of the relationship ok, maybe worth a shot?

Some people tell stories like this
so I said
and she says
so I said
so she said

I find it really boring but that’s some peoples style. If you don’t like to listen to that you could Ask him just to summarize the key points. See how he responds to that request if he tantrums that’s interesting!