How should I end it after finding his Hinge profile active?

[Vanillallatte10]

We haven’t been together for long - 4 and a half months. I had no suspicions at all. He has been really caring and attentive - planning thoughtful dates, consistent, and (I thought) genuine. We met IRL at work (don’t work together often, once in a blue moon)

He doesn’t know I know yet.

A friend of mine (who he has not met, but who knows what he looks like) sent me a screenshot of his Hinge profile - he had sent her a ‘like’. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that it could be an old ‘like’ - so asked her to match him to see if his page was still active.

Lo and behold, he messages her almost instantly chatting her up.

I’m gutted but also relieved that I have found this out so early - as he must just be that sort of man. I haven’t yet said anything to him, I wanted to remain composed and not fly off the handle in an undignified manner.

Any ideas of how to end things? We have a date planned for tomorrow evening, confirmed the time/place yesterday afternoon shortly before I found out about the cheating.

If you send the screenshot, make sure to say that a friend sent you it so it doesn't look like youve created a dummy profile

I would also prepare for him to say that his profile has been hacked attend that its not him

I would just end it saying you’re not sexually compatible, and you’re used to bigger more adventurous lovers. But I’m a petty bitch 😂

Yes this. Send it before the date and obviously don’t turn up. Done and dusted.

Are you absolutely sure that someone just hasn’t taken his photos? Can your friend engage him in chat and make sure it’s him by talking about work etc?

That doesn’t call him out though.

We haven’t been together for long - 4 and a half months.

yes, 4 and a half months ago. That’s when we became exclusive

If you supposedly went exclusive when you first started dating, that's a red flag.

That said, it's been such a short time that you've dated that you or him nothing. Since you work together, you don't want to make it awkward at work. Just tell him you're not feeling it and you're not going to be dating him anymore. Nobody likes the drama at work.

STI testing if you haven't been using condoms.

I'd send a text just after he arrives for date ... really sorry but as you are very active on Hinge ive decided I will not be seeing you again. Good luck with your OLD.

This is excellent. Honest, direct, dignified.

I think the suggested message is good, but I would be explicit and say, 'You have been messaging a friend of mine on Hinge, and obviously, this makes it too awkward for us to continue dating.' Don't leave any doubt about why you are ending it. Being straighforward and professional is the way to go. Hopefully, he'll be fine about it.

Agree either way this. It’s keeping it civil but without looking like a pushover.

I don’t agree wanting to be exclusive from the start is a red flag at all but then I’m old and come from the era where multi dating was called two timing and considered cheating.

Calling him out wouldn’t be my personal preference as he’s unlikely to change either way. I’d rather he believe I didn’t want him anymore as he wasn’t good enough!

I can see why it's tempting, and you don't owe him anything. But for a couple of reasons, I wouldn't do this. First, ghosting is meeting shit behaviour with shit behaviour. I would hold myself to higher standards than he holds himself to, 'when they go low, we go high.' Second, it lets him recast you as the villain in his own head, be clear with him that it is his behaviour that has cost him the relationship. Men need to be confronted with their own bad behaviour — as a culture, these kinds of silences enable the open disrespect of women and for men to continue plausibly denying that they have anything to do with the problem.

I see why people are suggesting this but I think if he's the petty small ego type he could react badly to that if op still needs to work with him. Being clear that it's because she's been told he's on hinge is probably the best option as its very clear and leaves no room for him to be sulky about it.

Completely agree with this. These types are fully capable of convincing themselves they are the victims.
As others have said just say “it’s come to my attention that you are still active on Hinge. We are clearly not on the same page about where this is going, so I’ve decided to end this here. I wish you well”.
Then just be professional if you see him at work, and make breezy small talk if you’re forced to interact.

We didn’t. We became exclusive 4 and a half months ago but had been seeing each other for longer before we agreed exclusivity.

I agree definitely going to avoid any drama. I think I will send him a brief message later today ending it and saying I’m aware he’s using dating sites. I’m hesitant to send a screenshot of the hinge chat, in case it looks like I have made an account to try and catch him out.

Yes this makes sense. I feel like disappearing also feeds into drama - he could seek me out at work for clarity. I’d rather have a clean break and know that any interactions we have at work are professional.

Whilst I agree it's early days and I far too early for declarations of love, surely after 4 months of sleeping with someone on a regular basis you can assume you’re exclusive?

Anyone remember the days when dating was meeting people with the occasional snog or ons but once you started going out with and sleeping with someone regularly it was a given that you were in a relationship?

I don't think I ever had conversations about it.

I’m hesitant to send a screenshot of the hinge chat, in case it looks like I have made an account to try and catch him out.

This seems oddly defensive to me. Even If that’s his default assumption, it hardly exonerates him. He’s not going to start spreading it around the office that you honeytrapped him, except maybe to other men he knows are the cheating type so what’s the loss?

This is exactly what I would do
Ghost him without explanation

I'd send him a message saying 'My friend showed me a picture of the bloke she's started flirting with online. Imagine my surprise when it was you!' Clearly your idea of exclusivity isn't mine, so 'Goodbye' .

Have you spoken to him?

Think this kind of message is the way.

Oh I would have told him sorry, I just don’t really fancy you any more.

I wouldn't mention Hinge as he'll argue and lie about it. Just send a message shortly before you're due to meet saying 'our relationship is over. I don't want to hear from you again, other than being civil in work when required'. If your work colleagues know you've been seeing each other, just tell a couple of people strategically that you ended it because he's a cheater.

say you are breaking up - because u have found someone better on Hinge !-haha