Am I being too picky about finding a long-term partner?

[CrowsCame]

Apologies, this won't be the most humble post, but it aims to be truthful.

I am 24 years old and live in rural New Zealand (population 6mil, hometown population 5000).
Very small town!!

I've dated since I was 18 and have had the joy and blessing of meeting many extraordinary men.
When I was younger, I didn't feel ready for anything serious.
But several men tried. I've had two men seriously express a wish to marry me and several others explain that I was the love of their lives and they were ready to see a relationship through its ups and downs together.
I've never felt the same.
But men do seem to view me often as someone who they could marry/do life with. I seem to have long-term relationship potential.

Now that I'm slightly older and have gotten most of my traveling and floating around out of my system, I'd like to find a partner soonish.

Problem is... I feel like I have high standards (or expectations) of a potential partner and perhaps impossible ones to meet.
For example, I would like to meet a man who is handy and practically capable, yet also gentle, emotionally attuned, kind, accountable.
I expect integrity but find that many men don't hold themselves to this in ways I would expect in a man I can admire. For example, being active within their community, attentive to children, standing up for what they believe is valuable and worth protecting...

I also have quite fringe beliefs around things like pharmaceuticals, child-raising, authority, nutrition, personal sovereignty etc. Conspiracy-theory-esque principles if you like.

I feel like I've personally spent a lot of my life and self-development journey so far, becoming a woman worthy of a man like this. I'm nowhere near done or close... But I feel like I'm deserving of a good man.

Am I being too picky?

I know women who are still alone in life in their 40s who want families... because they reject men by nit-picking their faults or expecting them to fit ideals.

Any older or experienced woman who can testify to the legitimacy of this concern?
Positive or negative anecdotes about waiting for Mr Right?

TLDR//
I'm 24 years old.
Have been seen by many men as 'wife material' ...
But I keep rejecting men for not meeting my 'non-negotiables' (which can be quite specific and fringe).
I live in a very small town in a very small country.

Am I being too picky?
Will I regret this later in life?
I want to meet a partner and start a family in the foreseeable.

I think you are very young to be thinking like this, unless 24 years old is a mistake ?

So young! By this age I’d been engaged and called it off, had lived in Canada for 6 months with fiance, when I returned I went out clubbing with my mates for a few years (had boyfriends too).

Have fun! 🤩

I also agree. You’re only 24. Enjoy your life a travel. People can a lot, especially at your age.

I’d say if you’ve only been dating for 6 years but have two men propose marriage and several others claim you to be the love of their lives, that you haven’t dated them for very long? I think the longer you spend in relationships, the more you realise what’s negotiable. For instance if a man was everything you thought you wanted aside from being handy, would that really rule him out?

Women who are single in their 40s may have decided after being with multiple men that overall there is more benefit to being alone. That’s the kind of decision that comes from a bit more life experience though.

your fringe beliefs might put off men who are otherwise perfect in your eyes.

At 24 I don’t think anyone should be that focused on getting married. Especially as you sound quite immature. Bluntly, if you want to settle down in a very small town, aren’t you restricting yourself unnecessarily? I mean. I’m sure the dating pool of conspiracy theorists will be larger in a big city.

Blimey that’s intense sounding. I don’t know if people settle down at 24 in your part of world but it’s pretty unusual where I am in South East England. I think I’d concentrate on my career ( unless that’s something you don’t believe in ), date and have some fun.

You can't be 'too picky' when it comes to a partner, if you're talking about shared values, attitudes and personality traits.

Don't compromise on those things.

You have twenty odd years in your fertility window, take your time. There's no rush to find the father of your children.

Your thinking is quite rigid and heavy...you sound like you're shopping for a new car.

You'll find it hard to get perfection, I mean who is? Some of the qualities you've listed aren't essential really.

I thought you were going to say you were a lot older, 24 is so, so young still. I think you should focus on just enjoying your young, free life and see what happens. Take advantage of the many opportunities out there.

I was going to say no, your standards aren’t too high and it’s okay to be picky.

However. Are you looking for someone who is equally as “conspiracy-theory-esque” and supports things like anti-vaxxing / low medical intervention, homeschooling etc, which I assume is what you believe in?

It’s definitely good for you to be picky about that, but obviously your dating pool will be much more limited than someone who holds more mainstream views.

I wouldn’t paint your not finding someone yet as men not matching the “self-development journey” you’ve been on. I would paint it as, there’s actually very, very few individuals who would match your way of thinking.

I’m team Wait For Mr Right rather than settling. I am also realistic and can see that it often means waiting until a Wait for Ms Right man comes along, who will also carry his own particularities and “nit-picking” tendencies.

I think you’re doing those men a favour in rejecting them if they don’t match your “fringe” non-negotiable ideas. It would be unfair on them otherwise. Please don’t build a life with someone who doesn’t share your beliefs. It will not end well.

I agree with PP, you sound very intensely focused on settling down at such a young age.

Carry on having fun and see what the universe provides. Chill out a bit!

I do not think you are being too picky at all - you are looking for a responsible man who can behave with integrity and decency. Younger men can be keen to get married young to kind of transition between mother and wife in one go. Others just want to jump into that white picket fence type lifestyle.

As long as you are aligned with your life goals, interests, education then the relationship has legs to stand on. I always believe a good test of a relationship is to go travelling with someone (and I mean travel, not just a 2 week beach break).

lol - you think you’re quite the catch eh? Good for you

The issue is not that you have standards, it's that too many people, women and men, don't. In part because it is still seen as a form of failure not being in a relationship, which it should not be.

I don’t think you are being too picky either but do be aware that at 24 your beliefs could still change so do be open-minded. While the qualities you seek seem fine they do point towards someone potentially quite traditional - there are obviously pros and cons to that sort of set up.

Average age of first marriage is 31 for NZ men apparently. So if you are looking for someone your age, thats unlikely to progress quickly. You seem to have some very traditional values, are you looking for a man to fund SAHM role? You'll need to look at an older demographic.(they'll be richer than your average 20 yo) or a super religious one who's already inclined that way.

Try Married At First Sight

I wish Id been a lot more picky when I was younger tbh.

Very intense.

The problem you have is that you live in a town of 5000 people so the pool of single age appropriate men is pretty small to begin with. The more picky you are the greater the risk you narrow down the pool of eligible men to effectively zero.

It's better to keep on dating with an open mind and see who you vibe with rather than having a laundry list of criteria a man must meet. There might be a man out there who isn't at all practical but is kind and cute and makes you laugh and you realise that's enough for you. Or maybe you realise that isn't enough but at least you've given it a try rather than waiting for the perfect man who may never come.

🤣 this is a joke right?!

The intensity spilling out of your post is unreal! Can’t you just, I don’t know, go to pub and see if you meet someone?

Would you move to another city/place with more options?

What is your job?

Have you tried Meet up or similar sites? Not dating apps.

What is there to do where you live and what have you tried? Sports, church maybe, bars and restaurants? Where do you go with friends? Maybe something like a David Icke tour (not making fun honest!) would be somewhere you’d meet likeminded people. Have you travelled to UK/Europe? If not could you? I’ve known several Aussie women transfer their careers temporarily to UK and travelled in Europe. Then went back to Australia.

Maybe that’s not what people her age do now. Plus if you’re in a small place it’s likely you know everyone there and any single options.

As you have specific beliefs you may have join as groups in person and online where others believe the same . That way your you have a chance of meeting the one who has your other requirements.