Am I being too picky about finding a long-term partner?

[CrowsCame]

Apologies, this won't be the most humble post, but it aims to be truthful.

I am 24 years old and live in rural New Zealand (population 6mil, hometown population 5000).
Very small town!!

I've dated since I was 18 and have had the joy and blessing of meeting many extraordinary men.
When I was younger, I didn't feel ready for anything serious.
But several men tried. I've had two men seriously express a wish to marry me and several others explain that I was the love of their lives and they were ready to see a relationship through its ups and downs together.
I've never felt the same.
But men do seem to view me often as someone who they could marry/do life with. I seem to have long-term relationship potential.

Now that I'm slightly older and have gotten most of my traveling and floating around out of my system, I'd like to find a partner soonish.

Problem is... I feel like I have high standards (or expectations) of a potential partner and perhaps impossible ones to meet.
For example, I would like to meet a man who is handy and practically capable, yet also gentle, emotionally attuned, kind, accountable.
I expect integrity but find that many men don't hold themselves to this in ways I would expect in a man I can admire. For example, being active within their community, attentive to children, standing up for what they believe is valuable and worth protecting...

I also have quite fringe beliefs around things like pharmaceuticals, child-raising, authority, nutrition, personal sovereignty etc. Conspiracy-theory-esque principles if you like.

I feel like I've personally spent a lot of my life and self-development journey so far, becoming a woman worthy of a man like this. I'm nowhere near done or close... But I feel like I'm deserving of a good man.

Am I being too picky?

I know women who are still alone in life in their 40s who want families... because they reject men by nit-picking their faults or expecting them to fit ideals.

Any older or experienced woman who can testify to the legitimacy of this concern?
Positive or negative anecdotes about waiting for Mr Right?

TLDR//
I'm 24 years old.
Have been seen by many men as 'wife material' ...
But I keep rejecting men for not meeting my 'non-negotiables' (which can be quite specific and fringe).
I live in a very small town in a very small country.

Am I being too picky?
Will I regret this later in life?
I want to meet a partner and start a family in the foreseeable.

Sort of. But she is not faraway from many of the candidates this season

I can assure you 24 year olds still go to the pub and she doesn't even have to restrict herself to establishments in her immediate locality. Shes given us a list of things she expects the chosen one to adhere to but doesn’t actually state what she’s doing to find one. It almost reads as though she expects them to come and find her!

Some of your must-haves are reasonable, such as practically capable, which is I'm assuming being financially sound with a good work ethic. And though it's nice to have somebody handy who is good at car mechanics, plumbing, carpentry around the house, if they are not, you can easily hire professionals with expertise. I mean, which of these things are you expert at? Should you be rejected because you can't fix a broken washing machine?

Being active in the community is another thing you might let slide. Sometimes with a career and raising children, a person wants to have some time to chill and to not spread themselves too thin. From what you're describing with all your wants, you want a Superman who needs to align with you in every minute way. Hard to find a carbon copy of yourself, and wouldn't that actually be boring?

And what if your children rebel against your beliefs as they grow? Are you the type to live in harmony with those in your life by respecting others beliefs, or are you controlling? Marriage come with times where you will have to come to a consensus when you're not on the same page. As an example, my friend wanted a more expensive tiling in her kitchen, but her bf who owned the house with her was more frugal. So she agreed to a lower priced tile she wasn't crazy about, but she was okay with because she's part of a team and it's not all about her.

I agree with another poster who suggested you seek out forums for like-minded individuals about your fringe thinking. And perhaps move to an area where you can be vetting a larger pool of dating prospects.

Op you are so so young in my eyes. why do you think you 'should' have found someone?

I met my husband (who absolutely 100 per cent is EVERYTHING I could have wanted! he is good, kind, caring, practical, hard working, and good looking!!) - when I was 31 - I had spent my 20s with a series of total losers!

Im not sure why you think you are being picky - or why tbh you need a partner at 24. Just enjoy life for a bit

Carpe Diem and stop worrying about what ifs your only 24 not 54

Your analytical approach leaves little room for the important things that defy analysis - just clicking, growing to love someone, falling in love at first sight - and is a bit terrifying tbh. Rather than putting together a husband spec (you're not buying a car), an alternative approach is to focus on meeting someone with the same life goals as you.

Typo

Oh my sweet summer child. Live a little! Certainly don’t settle down until you’ve learned the difference between “men have expressed that they want to marry me” and “I am good wife material”.

I think you're being much too specific. It's good to find someone reliable and principled but people can learn DIY skills.

You really need someone who can grow and change with you as you get older because the beliefs and priorities you have now won't necessarily be things you care about in 30 years time.

I also have quite fringe beliefs around things like pharmaceuticals, child-raising, authority, nutrition, personal sovereignty etc. Conspiracy-theory-esque principles if you like.

Yeah, good luck finding a decent bloke who's willing to put up with all that long term.

lol. You’re 24. Live a little.

with your fringe beliefs, move to Nelson area, or Northland. You’ll find many like minded people. And even some settlements which are bigger than 5,000.

More seriously, the dating pool in a town of 5,000 in rural NZ is going to be pretty grim. I grew up in a town of 20,000 (although 3 hours drive from anywhere larger) and that was bad enough.

YANBU to insist on high standards for your future partner. My advice, based on personal experience, is that the most important thing will be that they treat you and others with consistent kindness and respect.

YABU (probably) to hold fringe beliefs about things. I hope that you're not an anti-vaxxer, for example, given your expressed commitment to community and child welfare. But tbh I am not sure what this point has to do with the question of holding potential partners to a high standard.

Thanks for all the input... A lot to mull over!
I know I am being a bit harsh in my list of non-negotiables, but if I'm building a life with someone I feel like knowing these things beforehand is important.
I feel like a few of you are correct though that I will be held back by being too specific and I'm that regard, am probably being too picky.

To clarify: I'm not looking to get married anytime soon, if at all.

I am however, hoping that my next relationship might be someone I can build towards that kind of commitment with. I wouldn't be thinking about marriage or family for another several years. But for me it's important that I am with a partner for a while before I decide whether to take that step or not.

Girl stay single before you marry the wrong man for a lifetime of misery

I've been married a long time. You don't need a shopping list to find a good partner. You need someone who you like, love, who balances you out and you can live with the bits that annoy you (and there will be bits that annoy the hell out of you). You're young and you'll change so you want someone who's shown they can grow in healthy ways. Someone you enjoy sexually is also important. Basically it's about fit rather than wanting a second you.

Most of men in their 40s will have already a family whether they are still married or divorced. Most people tend to settle before that age and if they don't there is always a reason, being they don't want to settle the main one.
Good luck.

“DarkForces · Today 04:09
I've been married a long time. You don't need a shopping list to find a good partner. You need someone who you like, love, who balances you out and you can live with the bits that annoy you (and there will be bits that annoy the hell out of you). You're young and you'll change so you want someone who's shown they can grow in healthy ways. Someone you enjoy sexually is also important. Basically it's about fit rather than wanting a second you.”

This with bells on. As a PP said, you’re approaching this as if you’re buying a car, not trying to find someone with whom to build a relationship. Also, you sound a bit closed-minded and as if you don’t want to grow. It’s good to have a life partners whose values are broadly aligned to yours but their thinking doesn’t need to be identical to yours.

I think you've mistaken all this woo woo stuff and Dawson Creeks style talk (Google it, you wont know the show) for maturity. It sounds more like a young person who read too many romance books aimed at young adults and didnt have enough chores.

Oh and you're not going to find a sane, decent guy who knows how to raise a stable child but is also an anti vaxxer, doesnt believe in western medicine and will only eat raw veg.

I will always remember this story, but i know there have been similar in Oz too.

https://www.ctvnews.ca/canada/article/when-parents-are-accused-of-not-seeking-medical-help-for-kids/

I don't think you're likely to find too many men who share your more "out there" beliefs and yet are also "gentle, emotionally attuned, kind, accountable".

Men who are invested in conspiracy stuff tend to be angry, isolated, basement-dwellers.

Enjoy life and further find out who you are. No-one needs to settle down at 24.
When you are married and have a baby...all you will think is, I wished I'd enjoyed life more.

" I was the love of their lives" Were you in a long term relationship with either of these men? Did you even date them? I think you actually need to have a fairly lengthy relationship with someone to actually know if they are the love of your life, in fact many people only realise it in retrospect many years later. I bring this up because I don't think you have a very grounded view of life and love, you seems kind of in your own bubble and are perhaps seeing what you want to see as opposed to what is real.

Having said all that I see no reason to not stick to whatever standards you wish, there will be lots of women who committed to men just for the sake of having a partner and a family who still end up alone and childless in their 40's and beyond.

Coming from a 26yo with 2 under 2 who thought I must settle down and have kids, please live your life you are so young.

You will be the dream wife of a church goer?

I don't have a crystal ball but by what you say, I think men are so hard after you is because I guess you have great looks....

and you are only 24.....Until 39 you have 15 years to find a sensible man from the local or wider church community, preferably one with a bit of fringe beliefs. Wishing you all the best