How do I move on when my husband does not want another child?

[JuniperPeak]

I have been facing a very difficult relationship situation for the past (almost) 4 years now. On the day that we brought our second born home, my husband immediately told me he didn't want to have any more kids. At the time, I agreed with him. I had just experienced an extremely traumatic birth, I was still bleeding and hurt, and I was so angry at the whole experience. I wish I would have never agreed to him. If that discussion could have waited another few months, I would have responded differently. By the time 3 months had passed, I knew I wanted to have a third child, but it was too late. As a result, the past several years have been so hard for me as I've tried to accept this. One major thing is that I haven't been able to have sex with my husband because I feel like I can't separate that out from trying to conceive a child. I stopped having sex for years. It wasn't to get back at him, but I felt like I couldn't handle the disappointment of it. I very recently became intimate with him again.The first time we engaged in this, he did not pull out, and it gave me some stupid glimmer of hope that maybe he changed his mind. However, we engaged in this act again yesterday and he pulled out suddenly and without warning, then he walked away to use the bathroom. It made me feel so ashamed and used. I didn't even want to be held afterward and I didn't want to look at him. I feel like I'm not actually ready to be intimate with him again. I know I need to get over this, but I'm heart broken. I'm surrounded by other people who have 3 kids and sometimes it feels so unfair. I would love to have another baby to take care of as I love taking care of the two that I have. I'm jealous, depressed, and extremely resentful over this. How do you even try to move on? Will I ever be able to move on? Should I stop having sex with him just to preserve my own mental health? I would appreciate any kind thoughts or advice. Thank you.

I wanted 3 or 4 children. Our second childs birth was very traumatic and I nearly died. I developed pnd and PTSD, took many years and various therapy to recover. My husband was very clear that he could never go through that again. He never wanted to risk losing me like that and that we needed to make our peace with only having 2 children. I would happily have had another baby , but I absolutely had to respect his view of it all, he lived that trauma too, in some ways it was worse for him a he had to watch it all unfold. I could never put him through that again. And while my longing for another baby never really went away I supported him when he wanted a vasectomy when our baby was a year old. I have always respected his view on it. Maybe your husband has similar feelings after your traumatic birth. You need open and honest communication about it all so that you can see each others perspective.

I do think therapy would be a good idea. You are incredibly lucky to have 2 DC. It would be a shame to miss out on the joy of raising them, to focus on missing the one you didn’t have.

i wanted a 2nd DC and DH didn’t. I found making a real effort to focus on the positives of having my one really helped. Maybe some therapy would help you get there.

looking on the positive side at the “other end” when they are teens and youre in peri you get your life back quicker. Dh and I often say how relieved we are we stopped at 2 teens are (although lovely) extremely demanding and expensive. Friends with 3 are flagging.

OP, you knew that your husband didn't want more children after your second child was born. Refusing sex since because of this is very controlling and l'm surprised it hasn't already caused a rift in your relationship.
I don't know what prompted you to resume after 4 years but whatever the reason your husband was very foolhardy not to use protection if he is still in adamant that he doesn't want more children.
You both need to communicate openly and honestly about the situation as hoping he had changed his mind obviously want the case. Maybe couples counselling would help you to communicate better?