Ex is ruining our future 🥲

[Cococat85]

Hi everyone,

it’s a long one 🙈

I just wanted some advice really and maybe just someone to listen.
I (F 40) have been split up and divorced from my ex husband for over 5 years now , we have 2 children (12 and 7) and I met my new partner just under 5 years ago.
I absolutely value and love my man to pieces and i know this is cheesy but he really is my soul mate and my person.my children adore him and he has been the biggest blessing to us all. But we are struggling currently with my ex and his constant pressure and interfering in our lives.
I have a court order with my ex for the children and he has has breached the order from day one. Constantly in and out of my children lives and there is constant drama and upset. My partner has been amazingly supportive to me and the children and he treats the children like his own.
we bought our dream home together a year ago and we are building for our future.
my ex husband really doesn’t like this or anything we do and he makes our lives a absolute misery.
For context- he divorced me and left me after many cheating allegations on his part and was founded to be very controlling and was arrested for coercisive and financial control- which he was found guilty for.
So Iam confused and just wondering why he cannot seem to let us move on.
He wants the children at a drop of a hat, no communication and if I say we are busy or no because the children don’t want too, I receive loads of abuse via txts and so many threats of taking me back to court. Now recently the 12 year old is refusing to go to see their dad Which we fully support but do also try to encourage a relationship with their dad.
This has caused a letter from his solicitor stating he will be taking me to court if I do not make the 12 year old see him etc. my solicitor replied and advised them of many things and to stop hassling me.
Last week I recieved texts to say I was being taken back to court as he believes his parents should have rights with their grandchildren and he wants them to have the children whilst he is working abroad and if I don’t say yes, I will be take to court. Although this makes no sense to me what so ever and I have scoffed at the letter. It has caused me and my partner some stress. Yesterday I recieved a text to tell me he was buying a house 5 min walk from our new home and our local shop and pub will be the same as his.
This caused me major upset and my partner to feel angry (not with me) and a bad atmosphere in the home.
Iam just so disappointed and upset at my ex and how he can continue like this after 5 years of not being together and him leaving me.
I have said to my partner in the past he can leave and I don’t blame him and my ex will haunt me forever and he has always been sympathetic and said we are a team and he’s had my back always. But yesterday I was really upset and he was angry and I made the comment about he can leave if he wants, and he looked at me and said - i may have too, if this carries on as I can’t keep dealing with it.
I was really taken back and so upset, we haven’t spoken to each other day.
Has anyone else had similar? Please tell me it will be ok 🥲
Sorry for the long one, Iam just feeling sad and at a loss today and needed to let it out

A solicitor wrote you saying that his client will take you to court if you don’t force a 12 year old against their will to see their father?

Ah the house move caused the argument uesterday?

Yes he did 🤦🏽‍♀️ and his solicitor also stated in the letter that my ex wanted to take them on holiday and if he books one and I don’t let the children go, they will bill me for the holiday 🤦🏽‍♀️

Of course his parents can have his children on his court appointed time whilst he’s away?

If he wants to leave the children with his parents whilst he’s abroad on his court appointed time; and if he wants to take them on holiday on his court appointed time - what’s the issue?

Yes it did 🥲

Yes he did 🤦🏽‍♀️ and his solicitor also stated in the letter that my ex wanted to take them on holiday and if he books one and I don’t let the children go, they will bill me for the holiday 🤦🏽‍♀️

Our court states that if one parent is unable to have the children, the other parent has them. But he is saying his parents should have them on his time if he is out of the country xx

But he can leave the children with his parents whilst his parents whilst he’s abroad if on his time? And he can take them on holiday or on his time?

He can’t ever leave his children with his parents?

It sounds like your ex has paid a solicitor to write these letters, however they are empty threats. The solicitor probably told him this already.
Keep records of everything, don’t respond, use a court recommended communication App and only communicate through that.
Let him take you to court, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on!

Just follow the court order to the letter, but if your 12 year old won't go, you can't force him, maybe gentle encouragement.

The solicitor is basically just following instructions from your dick of an ex.

I would honestly try your best to ignore his bullshit, and wait and see if he ever brings things to Court.

He sounds exhausting and like he won't change, but you can absolutely change the way you deal with him.

Don't let him ruin your current relationship.

I would tell him he is no longer to text unless it is a true emergency and that any correspondence needs to be through email. If he continues to take the piss, see a solicitor and see what you can do, as this seems like harassment to me.

Stop letting him have all the power.

(I know its easy for me to say, not being in this situation!)

Solicitors will say whatever the client pays them to say.
It doesn't make it true or enforceable. Or even right.

A judge would not make a 12 year old see her dad if she didn’t want to. (England and Wales) If you live elsewhere then you need to check with a lawyer.

A solicitor’s letter isn’t legally binding so get your own legal advice. For example an ex husband on here had a solicitor send a letter demanding she change her surname to her maiden name because his new wife to be wanted to be the only Mrs X. Obviously not based on any law.

If your ex has a Child Arrangement Order saying that he can take the kids on holiday during the school holidays then you might have to make them available but if that order was from 5 years ago then you’d be able to vary it so the 12 year old (and any older kids you might have) doesn’t have to go. You obviously don’t have to agree to an inconvenient holiday like term time or during a birthday of the kids or you.

If you don’t have a CAO then it might be the time to get one so that you can guarantee that your holidays happen (he could all the airport claiming abduction) and that his holidays happen with sensible restrictions like school holidays. You obviously don’t owe money if dd doesn’t go but you can have it in writing that you keep passports and hand them over 2 weeks before his holidays happen or whatever and he’s required to return the when the kids return.

If the grandparents want to see the kids then they can apply for contact but unless there’s a major drip feed like the kids lived with them while you were in prison, they are unlikely to get anywhere in England.

Stop letting him text you and stress you out. PP is correct in saying a lot of his threats are bullshit. He is not able to take the children out of the country without your permission and will not be able to 'bill you' for the holiday. This is crap.

Get your solicitor to write to his and say in view of his harassment you are offering them the opportunity to contact you via email only. Remind him that there is a court order in place and reiterate that the 12 year old does not wish to see him because of his behaviour.

Change your phone number or block him and do not allow him to get hold of you via phone. If he somehow gets through delete without reading.

Only read his emails once a week at a decided time. And stop stressing over what he is doing. Move on with life.

OP he is still abusing you. His solicitors will write according to his instructions. They will laugh and bill accordingly. Grandparents do not have custody rights in the UK. They (solicitors) know this (or they ought to!). As to his demands about billing you for a holiday - ludicrous and they (solicitors) know it. Making the 12 year old go? Nope. At 12 years old the court will take the voice of the child into account when deciding any orders, as long as you aren’t preventing the child or alienating them you have nothing to worry about. Please speak to your solicitors and Women’s Aid about how best to tackle this. In the meantime, I would recommend a separate phone number or email and a written direction to your ex that the only correspondence should be via that route and relate to arrangements within the current order. Any requests to amend the order should be directed via solicitors to solicitors. He’s a bully throwing his weight around, don’t let him spoil the future with what sounds like an incredible man

@Cococat85 I hear other posters in threads like this suggesting parents use some kind of contact app to discuss access times. Might I suggest you look into that and take some control away from your awful ex?

Hi OP, what a terrible situation , if your ex husband was arrested for coercive control and financial abuse surely you can take legal steps to stop him from buying a home five minutes from you , surely this is another form of coercive control ? Can you get a non molestation order against him ? I’m sorry if it’s not that simple I’m not aware fully of the legalities but you must have a case .

So Iam confused and just wondering why he cannot seem to let us move on.

He is an unhappy man and wants to do everything to stop you from being happy and move on. He thinks that you should be begging him to reconcile as he’s so great - you being happy without him fucks with his delusions.

He is not your friend and you need to stop letting him control you. For example it’s ok not to be available to him by text and insist on email or parenting app. It’s ok to take your time replying to questions. Keep it factual/business like and don’t give away what you really think about his messages. If he knows that something makes you upset or angry he will keep poking at those weak spots and get a kick out of it because he will feel like he has control over you. Remember that not all messages require a reply. For example if he tries to get into an argument about the 12 year old going, you say dd(12) does not want to go and unless she says otherwise, that’s the end of the discussion and ignore any attempts to argue about that point.

Him moving close could solve your biggest problem. If dad lives that close, the 12 yo can probably travel between homes independently. That means the 12 yo could go to dad’s but still feel in control to leave when dad acts like you know he will act. Just knowing there is a realistic escape that doesn’t require parental intervention could help.

What’s the real purpose of the op? Your relationship troubles or how to deal with your ex?

If he's been found guilty of coercive control against you, can't you get a restraining order against him? I mean he is basically harassing you, and it will be v deliberate to ruin your new relationship. Maybe you should contact the police, as he has already been convicted and he won't leave you alone?

I suggest you take a massive step back - I know that's easier said than done - but your upset & grief in your current relationship is what he wants.

Don't respond to his texts or his solicitors letters. You have a court order - stick to it and don't respond to his texts unless he takes you back to court. Seek legal advice when and if he does. If he texts & it requires an answer, refer him to the court order. He can't make you pay for his holiday? Just make clear to him, as per court order, holiday must be in his time, or whatever it stipulates in the CO for holidays.

was arrested for coercisive and financial control- which he was found guilty for.

What was the punishment?