Ex is ruining our future 🥲

[Cococat85]

Hi everyone,

it’s a long one 🙈

I just wanted some advice really and maybe just someone to listen.
I (F 40) have been split up and divorced from my ex husband for over 5 years now , we have 2 children (12 and 7) and I met my new partner just under 5 years ago.
I absolutely value and love my man to pieces and i know this is cheesy but he really is my soul mate and my person.my children adore him and he has been the biggest blessing to us all. But we are struggling currently with my ex and his constant pressure and interfering in our lives.
I have a court order with my ex for the children and he has has breached the order from day one. Constantly in and out of my children lives and there is constant drama and upset. My partner has been amazingly supportive to me and the children and he treats the children like his own.
we bought our dream home together a year ago and we are building for our future.
my ex husband really doesn’t like this or anything we do and he makes our lives a absolute misery.
For context- he divorced me and left me after many cheating allegations on his part and was founded to be very controlling and was arrested for coercisive and financial control- which he was found guilty for.
So Iam confused and just wondering why he cannot seem to let us move on.
He wants the children at a drop of a hat, no communication and if I say we are busy or no because the children don’t want too, I receive loads of abuse via txts and so many threats of taking me back to court. Now recently the 12 year old is refusing to go to see their dad Which we fully support but do also try to encourage a relationship with their dad.
This has caused a letter from his solicitor stating he will be taking me to court if I do not make the 12 year old see him etc. my solicitor replied and advised them of many things and to stop hassling me.
Last week I recieved texts to say I was being taken back to court as he believes his parents should have rights with their grandchildren and he wants them to have the children whilst he is working abroad and if I don’t say yes, I will be take to court. Although this makes no sense to me what so ever and I have scoffed at the letter. It has caused me and my partner some stress. Yesterday I recieved a text to tell me he was buying a house 5 min walk from our new home and our local shop and pub will be the same as his.
This caused me major upset and my partner to feel angry (not with me) and a bad atmosphere in the home.
Iam just so disappointed and upset at my ex and how he can continue like this after 5 years of not being together and him leaving me.
I have said to my partner in the past he can leave and I don’t blame him and my ex will haunt me forever and he has always been sympathetic and said we are a team and he’s had my back always. But yesterday I was really upset and he was angry and I made the comment about he can leave if he wants, and he looked at me and said - i may have too, if this carries on as I can’t keep dealing with it.
I was really taken back and so upset, we haven’t spoken to each other day.
Has anyone else had similar? Please tell me it will be ok 🥲
Sorry for the long one, Iam just feeling sad and at a loss today and needed to let it out

He is using the children to still
control you. Stop letting him.

Every time you let his dicking around come between you and your partner he has won.

As your eldest is now 12 it may be worth asking them if they want you to revisit the court order and revise it as they are now old enough for their views to be taken into account.

Make sure you document each time he breaches to court order as future evidence - this is where court mandated apps come into their own as they will allow you to block all other communications from
him and keep evidence.

Make life easier for all of you and stop letting him get under your skin. You are in control now.

Couple of things

1. ignore the solicitors letters. He can take you to court for accsss if he wishes but court won’t force a 12 year old to go. If he bills you for a holiday just ignore it

2. if the children are ok to stay with grandparents while dad is on holiday why can’t they ?

Your solicitor should be able to advise you whether to call his bluff.

But I don’t see why he shouldn’t be able to have his parents look after his child during his custody.

It sounds like you deem him an inconvenience in your new family set up and would prefer him not to be in the picture and for your new man to play daddy.

You don’t get to erase your children’s father just because you’ve moved on.

If your ex wants to have his parents care for his children during his rightful custody time, that’s none of your business and also, why shouldn’t he be able to take them abroad on holiday?

You’re making your own life harder by trying to play God here. Your children have two parents, stop fighting it.

I think some of these posts are a bit unfair tbh - the ex is a guy who has been charged and convicted of coercive/financial control of OP, has disregarded the Court Order from day one, and is now moving 5 mins down the road to her. He's harassing her with texts and solicitors letters, and doing what some men are unfortunately able to do - using contact with the children to continue his abuse of her.

Your solicitor needs to point out some things to your ex.

1. There's no such thing as Grandparents rights in the UK
2. There will be no sending your kids away on holiday with heir grandparents as it violates a pre-existing, court ordered, arrangement. There will be no 'billing of holidays'.
3. Your 12 year old is perfectly within their rights not to want contact.

I think you need a restraining order
no direct messages or direct access to you -
block him or get a new number
only allow communication via your solicitor until it’s all sorted out! No letters from his solicitor to come to you either - only to go to your solicitor
play him at his own game and show your partner that you mean business
I hope you can get it sorted

There's no such thing as Grandparents rights in the UK

Completely irrelevant to this situation. The right being exercised here is the right of the parent.

There will be no sending your kids away on holiday with heir grandparents as it violates a pre-existing, court ordered, arrangement.

OP wrote: "Our court states that if one parent is unable to have the children, the other parent has them." He is able to have them because he has arranged for his parents to care for them.

Your 12 year old is perfectly within their rights not to want contact.

True but also irrelevant. Parents make their children do all sorts of things the child don't want to do.

I would as others have suggested use an official messaging app. And refuse to engage over text. Id also calm yourself after a message, not everything needs a response, not every threat is followed through, deal only with what you need to. Put it in chatgpt if you need to. Also, on instagram there's an account called jessrunsforsurvivors. She breaks down toxic co parent texts she gets and how she deals with them. It's very helpful.

As for your partner, hes said that in a heated moment. But more broadly the prolonged stress of it will be affecting both of you. I think if you're able to get yourself to a more detached way of dealing with your ex like above...only dealing with what you literally have to deal with and not allowing all the bluster and non enforceable threats to affect you, it will probably reduce the general stress of it overall?.

So much good advice here. Make sure you take it op and put an end to his empty threats.

Firstly, block him on everything and download a court approved parenting app and use that to communicate. All messages are recorded and can’t not be deletedx
if he is sending you lots of messages and threatening to move next door to you to cause distress - that is harrassment - report it to the police and let the deal with it.

id the court order states that the other parent unavailability they stay with the other parent reiterate that and say you are following the court order.

allow him to take the children on holiday, as long as it is in his time with the children.

How long was it between splitting with your ex and getting with your soul mate?

relevance?

It gives some indication of how chaotic the parents have made the lives of these children. It tells is whether the new man was on the house "treating the kids like his own", a couple of weeks after their father left.

I came across jessrunsforsurvivors on Instagram. It seems as if she’s going through something similar to you. She discusses interactions and breaks them down very clearly. I wonder if these would help you? She’s also linked to a group who support mums with post separation coercive control. It sounds as if this is what you are experiencing.

You need to take back some control. Contact national domestic abuse helpline for a non molestation order. Change your number and advise his solicitor you will now only contact via court approved app and let him make a court application.

What does your solicitor advise?

Now is the time to get a restraining order and have no contact with your ex. Contact can be via a solicitor and child drops offs can be via a third party. Block his number, block his email and any other method he uses to contact you. Just send him one last text saying from now on only contact via solicitor.

Him messaging you constantly is causes you stress, which is what he wants. You can't solve any of his problems so best to ignore them. Everything through solicitor or courts.

He's clearly not reasonable and you cant have an amicable relationship with him.

The threats about moving is to wind you up. You are a reasonable person, he isn't. He's clearly trying to hurt you as much as he can and probably wants to break up your perfect marriage.

Tell your husband you obviously don't want him to leave you and you will now be stronger and put in place measures to stop your ex having a control of your lives.

Your ex is clearly jealous that you have moved on and you're now happy while he is clearly miserable and his affairs clearly didn't work out. You should be laughing at him. He's pathetic

1. he may be using ChatGPT rather than a real solicitor for this nonsense.
2. your partner is reacting to your reactions rather than the situation.
3. a lot of this is empty threat aimed at causing the reaction you’re giving

You need to calm down, grey rock this man, research your actual rights and potential actions. And then stop making every conversation with your new chap about this - that is what he is reacting to, continue to enjoy your life and plan things for your family. Your ex is currently ‘winning’ because you are falling into the trap of believing he’ll do what he says he’ll do. The more you show him his behaviour is having the desired effect, the more he’ll continue.

First off all OP .. deep breaths.

Just don't panic. He is trying to get under your skin and you need to try to take a step back here.

What are the red lines and what are the things you don't need to worry about?

There's been good advice here and I hope you have a good solicitor. His solicitor is just writing the letter he asked for, it is not based in law and some of it won't happen. Get the parenting app as suggested, block him or mute and only read the messages at set times. If the order needs to be varied then get that done. Just stick to the court order and that's the main thing.

Are his parents not good people or are they mean or problematic?. Why don't you negotiate and let the children have a relationship with them. Offer him time with his parents. Ìsnt he moving abroad?. Sounds really difficult

I'm not surprised your partner is fed up. Why can he still text you? Use a co parenting app and block him on everything.

Change your number so he doesn’t have it, and then communicate via a parenting app.

You are still allowing your ex to control your emotions and actions. It’s putting a strain on your relationship with your DP but most importantly your DC are in the firing line. Not only is he trying to make their home life as unstable as possible I should imagine when he has them he is very manipulative and tries to destabilise them.
I would get in touch with your solicitor as he is not adhering to the court order in. Ask about using a court approved parent App that is admissible in court, as he keeps threatening to take you to court and sending abusive texts and harassing you via his solicitor.
Once you install it you send it to him via email or text message and say all communication about children goes through the App. Block him on social media, phone and email.
I would also speak to police as he is still harassing you and ask how you can get a non molest order as he is threatening to move near you.
You can’t change ex actions or words but you can change your reaction and seek legal advice.

You have allowed him to communicate you on texts and emails, he’s pretty cocky and thinks he’s in control. Keep all the messages, emails as proof because hopefully as the saying goes give someone enough rope and they will hang themselves.