Ex is ruining our future 🥲

[Cococat85]

Hi everyone,

it’s a long one 🙈

I just wanted some advice really and maybe just someone to listen.
I (F 40) have been split up and divorced from my ex husband for over 5 years now , we have 2 children (12 and 7) and I met my new partner just under 5 years ago.
I absolutely value and love my man to pieces and i know this is cheesy but he really is my soul mate and my person.my children adore him and he has been the biggest blessing to us all. But we are struggling currently with my ex and his constant pressure and interfering in our lives.
I have a court order with my ex for the children and he has has breached the order from day one. Constantly in and out of my children lives and there is constant drama and upset. My partner has been amazingly supportive to me and the children and he treats the children like his own.
we bought our dream home together a year ago and we are building for our future.
my ex husband really doesn’t like this or anything we do and he makes our lives a absolute misery.
For context- he divorced me and left me after many cheating allegations on his part and was founded to be very controlling and was arrested for coercisive and financial control- which he was found guilty for.
So Iam confused and just wondering why he cannot seem to let us move on.
He wants the children at a drop of a hat, no communication and if I say we are busy or no because the children don’t want too, I receive loads of abuse via txts and so many threats of taking me back to court. Now recently the 12 year old is refusing to go to see their dad Which we fully support but do also try to encourage a relationship with their dad.
This has caused a letter from his solicitor stating he will be taking me to court if I do not make the 12 year old see him etc. my solicitor replied and advised them of many things and to stop hassling me.
Last week I recieved texts to say I was being taken back to court as he believes his parents should have rights with their grandchildren and he wants them to have the children whilst he is working abroad and if I don’t say yes, I will be take to court. Although this makes no sense to me what so ever and I have scoffed at the letter. It has caused me and my partner some stress. Yesterday I recieved a text to tell me he was buying a house 5 min walk from our new home and our local shop and pub will be the same as his.
This caused me major upset and my partner to feel angry (not with me) and a bad atmosphere in the home.
Iam just so disappointed and upset at my ex and how he can continue like this after 5 years of not being together and him leaving me.
I have said to my partner in the past he can leave and I don’t blame him and my ex will haunt me forever and he has always been sympathetic and said we are a team and he’s had my back always. But yesterday I was really upset and he was angry and I made the comment about he can leave if he wants, and he looked at me and said - i may have too, if this carries on as I can’t keep dealing with it.
I was really taken back and so upset, we haven’t spoken to each other day.
Has anyone else had similar? Please tell me it will be ok 🥲
Sorry for the long one, Iam just feeling sad and at a loss today and needed to let it out

Do all of this pronto.

Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been in the position of your new partner in this. My DH left his ex wife due to coercive control and abuse. She then did what felt to me like everything she possibly could to ruin our future. For example it took 5 years to get a financial settlement agreed, during which time we ended up moving through 4 different unsuitable rental properties that were too small, mouldy etc whilst having our own toddler and his/her kids with us 60% of the time. The fact she was willing to see her own kids suffering (youngest developed asthma due to mould in one place we lived) was totally beyond me. If she knew we were on holiday she would bombard him with abusive messages constantly to try and ruin it for us.

I realised early on that because of the kids this woman was going to be part of my life for the rest of my life, and there were various points when I thought I just couldn’t do it and that I would have to leave. It didn’t help that my husband was still scared of her and believed her threats to take the kids and live in another country, and I felt that his fear stopped him from taking the action that was needed to sort the situation out.

But for us it now seems to be finally over, she seems to be moving on with her life and we’ve been able to move on with ours.

I wish you all the best with this. Xx

As for your eldest child, don’t encourage her to see her dad, you step back and tell her that she’s old enough to make her own decision. Don’t encourage nor discourage just respect her need for some control.
I know it would be easier to encourage a relationship with her dad because you don’t want his aggravation but you don’t want your DC to feel they must be appease a bully so not to cause trouble for the rest of you. That is classic behaviour of a victim being coerced and manipulated!

There’s some really bad advice here. You can’t just ‘get’ a restraining order. It is issued by a judge and has to be a proportionate curtailing of the individual’s freedom. They don’t just hand them out.
someone suggested calling a DV line for a non molestation order. Again, this is a court application process and you require substantial evidence to reduce someone’s freedom. They are granted by a judge again, it’s a process and it can be incredibly stressful.
both of these orders are usually time limited. It’s not a long term solution. Plus you need to follow up on them and try to get police to see that the coercive behaviours breach these orders or not. That in itself can be a huge hurdle to overcome.

You met your partner met not long after you and DH split up, he has been your rock and has helped soothe you.
Yes of course he is weary of all the problems that your ex has lobbed your way for five years. You need to stop reacting exactly as your ex wants and take control legally and grey rock your ex otherwise it will go on forever. You need to take the helm of your own problems and allow DP to step back, he is struggling to continue being your rock and soothing you not because he doesn’t love you but because it’s so draining without no end in sight.
You have had some fabulous advice on here so @Cococat85 find your strength and fight to get control of your life. X

No more communication with this moron. Get a parenting app. Keep logs of any abusive messages. Let him crack in with his ridiculous solicitor letters. He’s only telling you he’s moving nearby, or demanding things to upset you. And you’re letting him. Take back control. He does not need any direct communication with you. He will kick off as he loses control of the situation so be prepared for a hissy fit from him, more threats etc but stand firm.

Let him take you to court. It’s all nonsense and he is continually breaking the order which the judge will want to hear.
it’s bullying. Rise above it. Just reply, ok and leave it there. He wants a reaction, don’t give it to him.

He sounds pathetic!

I don’t understand the contact arrangements though.

Is there not a court order in place to say that he gets the kids every other weekend at least?

You need to have set days in place and if he’s away on those days then it’s up to him to find childcare - likely by using his parents.

If his job means he can’t do set contact days - tough!
He’ll just need to find a new job then.

The majority of these arguments seem to be based around contact times, so just have set ones in place.

I'm not surprised your current partner is upset if you keep on saying that he can leave if he wants to. It's not exactly helpful. All of this impacts on him as well.

I think it sounds like you and your DP are up to overflow point with the stress. And the threat your XH is going to move in on your patch is a complete nightmare as it moves it from a pesky fly buzzing at you through your phone to a complete menace that is physically there and in your space. All this time, the texts and the calls are a problem, but him actually being present in your idyllic living space? That's a huge issue and one you can't ignore. No wonder your DP is thinking about leaving...it's a never ending nightmare. Just let the dust settle a bit for now. You're both upset so one of you needs to calm down and be the adult with your feelings - you can't support each other if you're both in a state.

Me and my DH had a similar issue with his XW...we moved away from our (and her) town to a surrounding village and then she moved out too so she has the same local facilities as us now. I was totally gutted at the time as she is very territorial and abusive. We wanted to move again anyway as we were temporarily renting so it spurred us on to move another village away as quickly as we could. We still have to go to that village for the local shop, post office and bakery/butchers/fish and chips. In reality, we do cross paths often but I completely ignore her. It isn't nice and she will walk as close to us both as possible but you just have to rise above it. We don't share a pub though...we go slightly further afield...and I would be gutted if she turned up there. It's an invasion of your safe space and people isn't it? And it just adds tension when they turn up and you don't know if they're going to make a scene. It's all made me feel closer to my husband, I didn't really know what to think when he told me what his relationship had been like. I'd experienced an abusive relationship so always saw men as the problem in this regard as I was frightened of my XH physically as well as mentally. Now I've seen what she's like and I understand how it must have felt for him. And I respect him for being able to get away despite the never ending emotion abuse and weaponising of the children. They're all adults now but she still manipulates them and doesn't seem to put their emotional wellbeing first. Awful woman. They don't change I'm afraid.

So, yep, not the advice you want to hear from me but wait and see if he really does move, then move away further or change where you go. It wasn't clear if you're living in the home you bought a year ago - you said the new house and planning for the future? Are you renovating or in situ already?

Is your level of reading comprehension ok?

Sounds like you need to get some legal advice for yourself as to how to move this situation forward.
It is concerning that a court order is continually being breached - this needs addressing urgently.
Your ex is is abusive etc and this is continuing with his behaviour towards you. He doesn't want to move on because he wants to make your life miserable (especially if he can see how well you are doing and happy you are)
You may need to consider a non mol order or something similar, particularly if he is threatening to move to the same area as you. With his record this may be easier.
Make a list of his behaviour - time, dates etc and go back to the police with it.
Take this information to a lawyer and get them to write to him about basically 'backing off' - there's probably some proper legal language to use!
Contact a domestic abuse charity, as they may also be able to advise. Your ex is still continuing to abuse you anyway he can!

You do know solicitors have no power and will type up any one shite? ... Exh wrote via solicitor to demand I remove my newly fitted blinds as he could no longer see into my new home..
Oddly the judge ignored him
.
Ds 12 went nc with him despite a court order in place. Never heard a peep from him or his solicitor.. And grandparents have no rights.
Ignore and carry on.

You need to use a court approved app for communication which means, if needed, they can see everything he writes.

This is the one I know about and is usually suggested for when co parenting is problematic. I would tell him you are using this and block him

https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/

It has caused me and my partner some stress. Yesterday I recieved a text ... This caused me major upset and my partner to feel angry (not with me) and a bad atmosphere in the home.
... I have said to my partner in the past he can leave and I don’t blame him and my ex will haunt me forever and he has always been sympathetic and said we are a team and he’s had my back always. But yesterday I was really upset and he was angry and I made the comment about he can leave if he wants, and he looked at me and said - i may have too, if this carries on as I can’t keep dealing with it.
I was really taken back and so upset, we haven’t spoken to each other day.

If you want to save your relationship, you need to shield your new DP from your ex, and just deal with it by yourself.
There is no reason for your DP to know if ex texts you. There is no need to show him solicitor's letters, or let ex's fuckwittery affect the atmosphere in your home.
Stop leaning on DP to help you deal with ex.
Stop pushing new DP away.

Block ex on your phone - tell him all communication must be via an email or special co-parenting app.
Ignore 90% of whatever he threatens, it is all bluster. Ignore solicitor's letters - let him take you to court if he really want to (the judge will see right through him).

Keep hanging onto the thought that within a very few years this will all be over, because the DC will be old enough to make their own decisions.

You need to manage your side of child custody better so that you have a more sound foundation legally to curtail the ex-husband's behavior: 1) get your 12 yo to a child psychologist immediately so they can write a letter to the court or testify if need be, 2) document the abuse, and by that I mean a detailed record of every contact, date, time, subject, abusive language, yelling, all caps, communication with you, your children, any family member, neighbor, school, etc., 3) consider his statement about purchasing a house near you to be threat to the family. Discuss this with a solicitor and inquire about getting a restraining order which is why you need the documentation. The ex is running amok because he can. Stop whining, put your big girl panties on and do what you need to do to protect your children and your family.

Following on from the suggestion about Chat GPT have you checked that his solicitors actually exist?

Also

https://www.sra.org.uk/solicitors/standards-regulations/code-conduct-solicitors/

In particular Para 2.4

You only make assertions or put forward statements, representations or submissions to the court or others which are properly arguable.

My emphasis

Before someone respect you, you must respect yourself.

You sound totally worn down. There is no mention of you disagreeing with anything the ex says. To me it seems that you are still frightened of him.

For the love of all things great, that have since happened in your life after you divorced him. You must fight against him...by yourself. Stand up for youself and stop being a by stander. Your children should be protected and Im really confused why you aren't battling this war for them.
I would imagine that your soul mate is shaking his head in despair and I can understand why he is ready to leave.

Ultimately, you need to grow some balls. Otherwise, the ex will still be controlling you and your partner will leave through true despair that you did fk all to support your children.

You need to hire a solicitor as a matter of urgency.

You also need to take the text stating he is moving in five minutes walk from you along with the record of his convictions to your local police and report him for harassment and stalking.

You need to fight back with the biggest guns you have at your disposal. Get a solicitor with a reputation for ferocity.

YES! To all of this.

Fight!!

Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

Leave your name and number. They will call you back.

Ask for a recommendarion for a real bulldog of a solicitor, and for any lists they keep of sympathetic therapists so your children can be assessed and reports kept in case of court action. (Not all therapists are aware of the impact on children of living with an abusive man).

The thing is not one of his threats are really legally likely. He can’t force a 12 year old to see him, a judge would want to see evidence of parental alienation and that is so incredibly hard to prove. Grandparents rights are only an issue if there is an established pattern, it sounds like he wants to establish a pattern, as for the holiday he can’t legally bill you. So all in all he is harassing you in the hope you will give in. If I were you I’d just tell him bring it on. He’s very unlikely to get anything he wants.

I am 7 years in to dealing with my husbands ex. And I’d go as far to say she is evil. She has ramped up her harassment over the past year and now one child refuses to come, she’s spouting a word salad of unsafe, privacy, force but with no evidence to back it up, in mediation she completely changes tactics and says they don’t want to come because of a club they want to attend. The reason she is currently giving, is that she felt unsafe when my husband posted in her letter box (child’s homework they forgot) and which is why the child doesn’t want to come. It’s got to the point where literally nothing would happen and we would get a ranting email stating we are being abusive because the child read a book (yes this has happened) a book the child chose and was reading with hot chocolate and marshmallows under a fluffy rug!

it’s brought us to breaking points several times over the years and how we survived is a miracle. But I think you need to remove the power from your ex and you have to do it. He’s ranting and bluffing to try to bend your will. You need to grey rock. Text on a parenting app only block him from anywhere else. If he won’t use it then still block him when that’s the only method of communication he will use it. If he refuses state well why? This is court approved, you don’t need to communicate with me in any other way, unless you want to harass me. If he threatens court then let him. We always accept the reasonable and reject the unreasonable. Which is often. Challenge him. And believe me he will back down because we are actually in his position and our hands our largely tied because my husband let her amass this power and all means of stopping her are not going to work I.e court no judge in the land would force a 15 yr old to see their father, proving parental alienation or emotional abuse is incredibly difficult, and ultimately if the child is so brainwashed they would be miserable.

you are in the position of power don’t let your ex take it away.