How to handle DP stress?

[supersop60]

Today is my first official day of semi retirement. I work Monday Tuesday Wednesday only from now. DP is also off work today as his school term starts next week. It’s 10.30 am and he’s driving me mad already with his stress. This is not new, by the way, he is very much a hugger and puffer, very sweary at inanimate objects, constantly worrying about money, his health, the future of the planet, Donald Trump, people who park on grass verges, pigeons, lack of work etc etc
Because I am here, I am on the receiving end. How would you handle this?

I’d tackle it.

He is behaving like this because he can - it’s lazy bad behaviour because he’s safe in the relationship, he can’t be bothered to make the effort to make you feel happy. He just dumps on you.

Id say, “your stress is getting worse - I can tell it makes you feel bad. I’d like to help you recognise it and tackle it, firstly because I love you and I hate seeing you getting over-wrought and worn out by the monotony of life.And second because your stress spills over to me because I’m nearby. I don’t want us to end up stuck together in misery! Do you recognise what I’m saying or is this all out of the blue?”

And take him for a long walk in the countryside or a nice woodland or even just a towpath near home, or a bike ride, or a wild swim, or an outdoor yoga session, or a Paddleboarding or kayak session! He needs heaps of fresh air and exercise to reboot his system.

If he refuses to cooperate with diagnosing why he can’t cope and doing something g about fixing why the little irritations are blown out of proportion (maybe a “final straw” if there are big dramas, recent bereavements, financial or health insecurity?) - if he refuses to cooperate in fixing it all then you need to call him out very calmly every time:

”you seems out of sorts, why are you growling at me about pigeons again?”

”are you aware you’re glaring at me? It doesn’t feel very nice to be glared at.”

”I only mentioned the mossy lawn as a fact, I didn’t blame you, I wasn’t hinting you should fix it. I can fix it myself. I should be able to start a conversation and have a reasonable discussion with you. I don’t react angrily when you say you like chips by replying “oh so you’re saying you don’t like my cooking? I can’t be expected to make chips everyday just because you want them.” Think before you speak, and we’ll both be happier.”

This sounds a lot like DH. There are a couple of things that help-

Schedule in some stuff you will both enjoy. It’s helpful to dilute the irritation and to build/top up both of your resilience.

Organise yourself around not hearing him- make a space for you where he isn’t, use headphones etc. schedule yourself to be elsewhere at his particular peak times.

Ask him to think about some healthy stress management techniques because you are concerned about his well being. Offer to join in or help if you can bear it!

However, is he the same when you aren’t present? Does he huff, puff and bang if he doesn’t have an audience? If not, then he’s actively trying to communicate with you. Not necessarily helpfully, but communicating nonetheless the less. Maybe he’s saying ‘look at me, I’m working so hard’, or ‘I hate my life and wish I was retired’, or ‘I’m so important busily working away at my very important busy job’.
I have said to mine, that it isn’t fair on me to have to listen to him being bad tempered. That him banging like the world is ending is really upsetting and makes me feel unsafe. It hasn’t fixed it, but I think he’s a bit more aware now and has stopped the performative bit of it.

I think you have to have a conversation about it. Maybe he needs therapy to help him deal with his stress without using you as a dumping ground.

I wouldn't want to be looking at spending the years of your retirement like this.

Can you either just tune him out and ignore him or “hmmm…” intermittently. My partner does this and just not giving the rants any air time has reduced them.

I do feel for you, I find it makes me really tense when DP is in a ranty/sweaty mood even though it’s not exactly directed at me. It just makes the environment feel unstable.

Or say something like…

“Shall we allocate half an hour to having a rant about things then we will brush it off and get on with the day…?!”

”how do you think we can be more positive and happier about life?”

”id really like to work on my positivity now I have more free time…”

Or there’s always…
“yes dear, I’ve decided to start listening to podcasts to improve myself while doing house jobs now I’m semi retired… these noise cancelling headphones are good…”

You can express yourself as long as you're not criticising him... But when talking about the mossy lawn, you weren't criticising him and he still managed to make it about him. You're afraid to be honest with him, walking on eggshells - this is not healthy.

@supersop60 Advising you to "go out" or wear headphones is daft. Who the hell wants to live in headphones inside their own home all day, or have to flee at every single opportunity. He isn't going to change OP and in fact he'll only get worse with age/once he retires. You need to issue a short, sharp verbal slap. Tell him you can't and won't live like this anymore and that your relationship is no longer viable if he doesn't stop. And mean it.

My LAT partner of 16 years is much the same. He ruined a 4 and a half hour flight to Greece by constantly going on at me about numerous things...I wasn't able to get away from him and couldn't tell him to shut the fuck up in public!

He's just gone and got himself diagnosed as ADHD - he's 56 this year. I've told him that might be the reason, but it's not an excuse. He's now using it as a 'get out of jail free' card, which is pissing me off. Can't discuss it in any depth with him at all, the defensiveness is off the fucking scale. I accidentally broke a glass in the sink the other day - water was too hot - and when I said 'oh damn it' out loud he automatically thought I was having a go at him! I called him 'Kevin', and told him that I was no longer putting up with his 'main character energy'.

Luckily we don't live together, I would have fucking murdered him by now!

My (diagnosed) autistic ex husband used to do this. Kind of fixated a bit on his health and stress and we’d walk the dog hours a day with him going on non stop about it in circles. Not his fault perhaps but draining as hell. I left him for unrelated reasons but realise in hindsight my heath and stress were never even a consideration. Wish I’d left sooner as I gave my own health supporting his.

Given the recent surge in awareness of late diagnosis of autism and adhd, I wonder if DP fits the bill. Not excusing him, but it might explain the lack of awareness, the hyper focus on things, plus disorganisation and losing things.

@supersop60 I read this article, and it was illuminating (and depressing) as my OH does every single thing listed.

https://mindsuccess.co.uk/i-love-them-but-im-exhausted-living-with-a-partner-who-has-adhd/

OMG. A spot on description of DP.

It sounds like he's a neurotic man who's never learnt to self soothe, probably exacerbated by poor sleep and irregular eating habits maybe. It's his job to sort that out though and be mindful of it, not yours, but unfortunately many men don't.

He sounds like he's in need of an emotional support dog. Poor dog though. Apparently they tend to absorb and exhibit the emotional state of their owners. Maybe it would given him even more to stress and complain about in the long run.

😂

Does he have enough redeeming qualities? They all sound like grumpy, pouting children to me.

Tbh, since he turned 50 his redeeming qualities are getting harder and harder to see...

The only thing that's keeping me in it is the fact we don't live together. I'm being treated for C-PTSD (and have been for the last decade) and of course that's never mentioned...either by myself or him. It does however mean that, along with the menopause, my ability to deal with selfish men is now non-existent.

Sorry OP, I'm not much help, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone.

Retirement is awesome, i am away from work for a time myself. Its nice alot of good night but its just a season. I retired as a KP of restaurants which i did for 15 years.

Thank you all for your comments and insights. I am re-reading to see what I’ve missed.
DP is out all day working, so nice and calm.

If DH read that, he’d think he was the carer and I had ADHD! That self referential empathy thing. He’d class himself as the grown up because he does the finances and his memory is better than mine.