Am I expecting too much from a long, lonely marriage?

[Maddeena]

Married 20 years, two teenagers, one at university.

We tried marriage counselling but I got the impression the counsellor saw me as unreasonable, despite DP addictions (previous alcohol and porn, he’s in support groups for those for the last four years, attends weekly when he can ).

I often wonder if I’m expecting too much with my nagging and desire for fun like we used to have. We sleep in separate rooms and he usually is in bed by 10pm. I used to want to socialise and see friends but I’ve become quite reclusive in recent weeks and I feel like I’m loosing friends in the process as I don’t want to burden or moan about him. He’s quite content in his own company, it’s always been me to instigate holidays, get together, outings with the family. He does cook and take the dogs for walks. Whenever we have done couple things, we’re never out longer than a couple of hours. I feel like I have to instigate conversations unless he’s in a good mood or we’re out with the kids, he’s lovely and jokey then.

He can get really defensive and tell me he feels he can’t do right and I’m always critical. He raises his voice to quieten me down and the teenagers tell me to stop going on, that I’m always moaning, miserable and their father is right.

I’ve got my job that pays not enough for me to get a separate mortgage. I have looked at rentals and it’s expensive. I try and keep myself busy, occupied and volunteer when I can, I keep fit. I’m fairly overweight so I could do more I suppose especially as I’m in my fifties. I’m on HRT which helps with flushes, I’ve tried antidepressants but they gave me serotonin syndrome which was scary.

I’m in therapy and talking about these feelings, I even use ChatGPT too!

I worry that I’m wasting my life away with someone who sees me as a platonic friend. I mean he doesn’t ever want sex, I get a cuddle if I ask for one and to others, including my mum, they believe I should just get on with it as there are men out there very similar to him. There are no decent ones according to my single friends.

I’m not sure what I’m asking on here really other than I feel so lonely and sad all the time. My teenagers social lives are more fun and romantic than mine. But am I expecting too much at my age? I know it’s not all sex and fun all the time but this marriage feels like hard work.

I’m scared if I do decide to take steps to leave my children would be really angry and friends and family would be shocked.

Currently he’s ignoring me as I texted him about feeling overwhelmed and depressed. He just got defensive and said his life isn’t perfect either. I tried to listen and say I get that. He’s lost family members over the years and I’ve supported him in his grief. I even after many years got him to go and get the help for his addictions all those years back. When I said can you not see how I feel and to listen to my pain, he just got frustrated and stormed off. This is how it always is with him so I’m really fed up.

So very sorry for this long post! I’m just at a loss with how my life feels and very moaning. I try not to but it is hard begging for love and care.

See a solicitor so you have a better idea of the financial situation. Really make an effort to see friends but keep the conversation light . Moan on here instead!

If your mother wants you to stay in an unhappy marriage you should judge her.

Your mother isn't always going to be around. Are you going to wait until she dies before doing the right thing for you and your children? Let's say she dies when you are 65. Will you look back on the years between then and now as wasted years?

Nobody who really cares about you will mind.
Anybody who minds doesn't really care about you.

You seem to be finding lots of excuses for not being brave enough to leave.
Guilt, shame, other peoples' reactions, not leave sooner, upsetting your mum.

You are in your fifties. Time is precious. If you don't change now the next three decades could be more of the same. Is that what you want? If no, act now or live to regret it.

I think you need to stop worrying about what your mother or friends will think about you leaving - it's your life, not theirs and you only get one! Stop wasting it being miserable with a man who doesn't care about you.

I have a friend who spent years being unhappy with a man who ignored her, didn't want to spend any time with her and didn't care that she was lonely and unhappy. Eventually she left him and I can't tell you how much happier she is now! She has a new partner who is kind and loving and they have fun together, travel, go out for meals, festivals, her life is full and happy.

Your children are old enough to understand that their parents are better off apart and happy than together and miserable. See a solicitor and make a plan to separate. You don't deserve to be this unhappy.

You seriously need to work through feeling shame! You only have one life, and if your mother loves you she will want you to be at the least content and at peace. You aren’t. A relationship is supposed to make you feel respected and cherished. You need to hold your head up high and say enough, I deserve more.

You could choose that you will no longer accept anyone raising their voice to your, no aggression within your home. Because raising voices, storming, unpleasant criticism etc is aggression. Explain this to your teens and husband very matter of factly, and the very first time it happens again start creating a new life going forward.

I’ve lived on my own with my children for years, no wider family and very few friends, but it is a very peaceful life and the house is calm and serene. Nobody gets to diminish me, ever. It’s not difficult to achieve, just take the first step and value You.

Get some counselling on your own OP. You clearly are very unhappy with your marriage and you should leave. However you are making excuses to hold yourself back from doing this.

It’s not up to your mother whether you remain married to this man. It’s up to you and your marriage is really to all intents and purposes over. And if she got upset over you being divorced that is her problem.

Your relationship with your husband, and your kids' relationships with their dad, are two separate things. He sounds like he's a dreadful husband to you, but that doesn't mean he's a dreadful parent to his kids.

You can end the marriage and he will still be their dad, and you will still be their mum. They may (quite likely will) be sad if you separate. It's a big change for everyone to process. But your kids loving their dad is not a reason for you to be miserable for the rest of your life.

I could have written this post myself. You are not alone. I don’t know if that is comforting to know but I think it might be a natural progression of how relationships end up. It’s sad. This is definitely not the situation I want to be in. Is it just a dream to expect things to be so different? Nobody else knows what goes on here. I wonder how many others are living like this. I would struggle financially to live alone. But the constant drag of ‘living’ in a soulless, loveless relationship is crushing and crippling me. I’ve been clinging to the tiniest bit of hope that things will change, that’s been going on for over 20 years and more. It’s difficult to accept but I look back on wasted years, my life, my time. It could have been so different. I hope you (and me someday) can find what we are looking for.

Hi OP, you’re not expecting too much here.

What you’re describing is wanting connection, warmth, and to actually feel like a partner, not a housemate. That’s a very normal need.

From what you’ve said, you seem to have a pattern of, you reaching for connection because you feel lonely,
he feels criticised and shuts down or gets defensive, you try a bit more to be heard, this makes him withdraw further.

Over time that turns into what looks like “nagging,” but really just unmet needs that haven’t been resolved for a long time and you're left with loneliness that starts to feel overwhelming.

It doesn't have to be as clear cut as should I stay or leave, it could start with opening space for true understanding so that conversations can be had that feel kind and caring instead of resentful and overwhelming.

I do not mean that in the way you are insinuating.

I mean for me as my mother believes you put up and shut up. She and her generation believe you stay.

No it’s about me wanting love and affection from my husband

Thank you, the financial situation is giving me sleepless worry. I am trying to save but it’s hard with still ongoing costs when children are in education.

I’m glad you see what I’m experiencing, I don’t think our counsellor did. I tried to tell him this and it got ignored and he focused on his pain and loss and his addiction.

Sorry, I think I made it sound accusatory by mistake. I meant it more like, if it's OK for other women to divorce their husbands, why are you not giving yourself the same grace?

Your mothers view isn't representative of society today. I really don't think you'd be as harshly judged as you fear, and if she judges you then so what? You know that the vast majority don't share her view.

It really is soul destroying and draining. I feel like my confidence and motivation is at an all time low. If this was someone else I’d be totally encouraging them to leave.

It feels daunting to leave him but I think the reality check I’m feeling from a lot of these comments and to get on with it, especially for my children’s sake, is what I need. I hope you find the encouragement too.

How do those who have left marriages like this, at what point did you get to enough of enough and leave?? How did you deal with the fear, sadness and worry?

@Maddeena my enough is enough moment came when he suggested we'd book a holiday that would take place 8 months later. I had gone around for years thinking I need to leave, I'm unhappy, not knowing how to leave etc. When he said the thing about the holiday it just dawned on me that there is no way I am going to still be with him in 8 months time so I told him that there and then. I felt immense relief once I had said the words, and then came the guilt, the anxiety and all the negative feelings. I followed through with it though and once he realised that I actually meant it he became really horrible to me so after that it was easier to just be stone cold and carry on.

There will come a time when you know it's time, and it might be the most random thing that is the catalyst.

That sounds tough! It's never nice to feel ignored. Loss and addiction are huge things to deal with but you deserve your own space to have your wants and feelings heard and taken into account. It can't have been nice to have them dismissed.

Thank you for this, I noticed you felt like this for years before. How long did it take to separate? Are you okay now? X

My mother is in her 90s. She would consider your mother's views out of step for their generation. Plenty of your mum's generation divorced. Plenty more, then as now, stayed in unhappy marriages and stayed unhappy as a result.

Why are you letting her views rule your life?

I really tried, I did the dates and couple time she suggested but he was still non commital and only did when he felt like it. Yet in the meetings he talked about how much the marriage meant to him and he’d be lost without me. Such mixed signals.

I’m trying not to, it’s been good to talk on here now

It's hard to say because it would get slightly better at times and then I wanted to keep trying, then it would get worse again etc. I think the last 3 years or so I was pretty convinced that it would never get to a place where our marriage was good again. The pandemic hit then and us being locked in together really cemented that he was not my person anymore and couldn't think of anything worse than spending the rest of my life with him. We also had 2 teenage kids and they moved with me to my home country when we separated and they no longer have contact with their dad, neither do I.

The divorce was quite brutal, it took almost 2 and a half years to finalise because he would disappear for months, hide assets etc. The day we met up and signed the last piece of paper is probably the most nerve-racking day of my life and afterwards I went out and drank champagne with my friends. I remember my hands were still shaking when I picked that first glass up.

My life since is unreconisable. I have so much energy, so much joy, so many friends. I live on my own with my dog and it suits me perfectly. I have dated a bit but didn't really like it. Might date again at some point but I am not looking to live with another man. I want to be free. Financially I am much better off too as my ex was very controlling financially and I didn't ever have access to much. Now what's mine is mine and I get to do what I want with it.

I really hope you get the courage to leave him. There is a whole other life out there that you could live. If you stay you know what you are getting (and it's not great) but if you leave you could be surprised.

I understand how difficult it can be to feel like you're giving everything and gaining so little.

When he was saying those things in the meetings, did he seem genuine? Did you believe him in the moment?

He may really want the marriage to work and genuinely not know how. Just as you want to try and not know how.

It can be hard to do dates and couple time while having unresolved feelings of hurt and resentment. You need to learn how to create feelings of being emotionally safe with each other as well so that when you do have dates you can be more open to connecting if that's still what you both want.

Just to pick up on a point upthread, 'dating' etc doesn't have to stop after 50.
The rules change and one has to realise that nobody comes without baggage at this age, but if you want to explore a sexual relationship...honestly, there are some interesting men (and women) out there.

The lessons I've learned are: be sociable. Join things. At worst you'll end up with friends. Don't expect things to happen straight away. Appreciate that people get broken over the years - not our job to fix them, but we may need to hold some space for them at times. Accept that a potential friend may have other commitments that weren't a consideration 25 years ago!

(For transparency, my lived experience is: since my 20 year long marriage broke up at 50 I have had one one-year relationship, very intense and burnt itself out; one 3-year relationship which has morphed into a friendship, and am now, after a year single, being chased by a younger bloke. Haven't decided how far to take that one yet - need to look at his intentions and whether he can cope with me and my fabulosity. I am so much more my own person than I was 10 years ago! I have my own place and my peace, and know I can be happy in my own company if I choose to be.)

You'll get there.