Am I a bad person for wanting to leave…with no reason

[fivesixseveneight8]

Married for 20 years, 2 teenage children. Been unhappy for a while but it’s now like I woke up a couple of months ago and want to leave. I don’t want to be in this relationship. Nothing has happened, no one else, no reason, husband is you could say the perfect husband.

I’ve spoke to him about how I feel and he is willing to do anything he can but I feel like I’ve made my mind up but I’m going to be judged.. has anyone else has this and all worked out ok

maybe just concentrate on doing something for yourself,new hobbies new interests rather than thinking it's your husband that's making you unhappy.
Unless it's the whole setup of family life that's getting to you.
You could just branch out a bit.
Go on a holiday by yourself but don't make everyone around you feel bad as ultimately it's you who wants to feel better.
20 years is a long time but what actually do you want.
Good luck.

But you did have a reason @FreeRider - different aspirations, which you have clearly explained. I think there is always a reason and I'm curious as to whether @fivesixseveneight8 can identify hers? Perhaps similar from the use of the word 'plodding'? But, yes, no point wasting your life if you're not happy.

Leaving the marriage isn't the problem. You not being able to articulate why is the problem. The answer to why is for you. Not knowing why is a problem because no matter where you go, there you are, and you will still not know what drives you. You are the one who needs to know otherwise this could become a real landmine for you.

Do what you need to do, but get some therapy, or go to a women's group, for yourself. The only people who are entitled to answers are you and your children if not now, then later, you will have to face them with an explanation.

That's all well and good, but even if it is peri, the OP has had the rose-tinted glasses taken off now, and there's no putting them back on again.

I’ve recently done similar, married for 10 years, children and no particular reason other than I’m just not happy! I decided I don’t want to look back when I’m older and wish I had done something sooner. Everyone deserves to be happy and I wasn’t happy

I think you need to work out why you want to leave, when you saying there's no reason. Otherwise you'll end up the same in your next relationship, or even when you're alone.

After 20 years or marriage, it's never going to be the same as it was at the beginning. And you made your marriage vows: 'for better or for worse, til death do part' or whatever it was you told each other. Not saying people shouldn't divorce or leave a broken relationship, but you did kind of promise to at least try and make it work. Not just throw in the towel when it feels a bit meh.

So at least try some marriage counselling, or individual counselling, and get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do, and see if anything can be done to fix it. Its pretty common for couples to drift apart, especially after raising children. You spend 20 years focussing entirely on the kids, working together as a team for them, that you can all too easily completely lose focus on each other. And then the DD get their independence and you're left looking across the room at each other wondering what you're doing there.

Maybe, just maybe you can get that spark back, if you both put the effort into rediscovering the relationship. Who knows, it coukd be like starting all over again together with that magical new relationship honeymoon feeling?

Or just walk away from something that's decent but no longer amazing, just because you can, without any effort. But be ready for your quality of life to plummet - with only one income rather than two combined.

How about before blowing up your life. Go on a short weekend away or fill your cup. Talk to your husband. Explore therapy lot of women do this and regret it. Hugs being unhappy sucks

I would honestly have a week or so away on your own and give yourself some headspace and have a really big think about what it is you are unhappy with - I’ve been there, and sometimes as others have said it’s your life as it is rather than the other person - that may not be the case here but it’s worth exploring your thoughts and without the other person around before doing anything rash - in my 1st marriage I went for the rash option in my late 20s because I wasn’t happy - 3 months later I had changed my mind - too late, he had moved on and was actually happier and being honest more suited to the lovely woman he met and married once our divorce went through -

I would not judge you at all.

I wouldn’t judge you as such. His happiness doesn’t trump yours. And what other people think of you should not be what you base this decision on.

I’ve not read the full thread maybe you already answered this. But does he do his fair share of housework cooking etc? If not then definitely leave him if you want. But if he does and he’s saying he wants to fix things then I think you own him couples therapy, that can be to see if it’s fixable or to help both of you process the ending. I do think when you are married those vows mean something and being bored isn’t enough reason to leave (being unhappy is though) vows work both ways though so if he vowed to love and cherish and doesn’t do that fair enough.

How in any way is this mature?? Abandoning your family on a whim.

Came here to say this, get your hormones checked before you do anything drastic

You totally have a reason. The reason is you don't want to do it anymore. That's a complete reason. End it and move on.

Your likely to feel severe guilt after leaving. Its best to try to work things out because a perfect husband does not come easy, ands you built this from hard beginnings. Your will thank me, and him if you stay committed and grow together.

Hi OP. In my experience when someone says "Nothing has happened, no one else, no reason, husband is you could say the perfect husband." It usually means that there hasn't been one single big event that has led to this. No deal breaker, so to speak. But rather a slow emotional disconnection that has occurred over time which has led to you feeling like you're not getting much out of this marriage anymore.

So what you feel as a sudden moment of clarity or a moment of waking up and realising, could be you finally acknowledging how emotionally drained you feel within the marriage.

Before making a final big decision it might be worth trying to figure out whether it's a case of I don't want this marriage at all, or is it more, I don't want the way this marriage has been feeling.

The fact that you've been able to discuss this and he's willing to do anything is a good thing. Maybe try to gently think of what could be missing for you emotionally. This will be helpful however things work out. Maybe you can try to work on what's missing or even if you still decide you want to end things, at least you'll know why and it will be easier for you both to move forward and get closure knowing that you tried.

This was me but I waited until my 50s to get free. That was a couple of years ago now. Honestly life is wonderful. I'm so happy I had the courage to break out.

I am completely my own person now living life on my own terms for perhaps the first time in my life.

I.was the main breadwinner so I think perhaps having the career and finances helped a lot.

But there's nothing lonelier than being trapped in a bad marriage.

I had a friend, unfortunately died a while ago, who used to say she didn't believe that you were meant to be with one person all your life , as two ppl age they change in their beliefs,ambitions etc. Weirdly she was still with her husband, but unhappy.
Why not book a week away to give yourself some space and relaxation and see how much you miss your DH. He is not responsible for your happiness and vice versa but are there ways you could make both your lives more enjoyable as you said he is a good person, not many about imo.

I also think it is your age and stage. I'm at a similar stage and I crave my own little place where I could be by myself.

In reality it would not be the right thing to do for my children or my future self.