How can I repair things with my in-laws after postnatal OCD?

[Vix150]

To cut a long story short, when my baby was first born I really struggled with people holding him. I couldn't stand the thought of people touching him, my husband didn't take it seriously at the start because "people hold babies" and I ended up with a rather debilitating form of postnatal OCD where I thought my child was going to die. It didn't help that people kept kissing him (on the top of his head) and I just freaked out.

We eventually went to, no one is allowed to touch him because I just couldn't cope and I was really ill with worry every time someone would ask to hold him.

This really impacted my relationship with my in-laws as they struggled to respect the boundaries and one day my sister in law just took him and let him put his fingers in her mouth. My mother in law was also less than supportive and would touch his face when she was in.

Now my wee one is 23 months and whilst I am in a much better place emotionally the relationship with my in laws is totally fractured. My little one has a better relationship with my parents because I didn't retreat from them and I feel very guilty that he doesn't treat his grandparents equally.

What can I do to mend this relationship?

When you say you didn’t retreat from your parents, were they also not allowed to touch the baby for the same length of time?

Sorry to hear you went through this. I think the best thing would be telling them exactly what you've said here? It sounds like they didn't fully understand the severity of the condition but theres so much time to sort it. Maybe your husband could say you'd like to have a chat and arrange it for you?

The SIL mouth thing is totally not on tbf.

My parents and family were also not allowed to touch him. They didn't find it easy but the intrusive thoughts I was having at the time meant that when someone held him I couldn't stop thinking about all the ways he was going to die (from the germs they carried). Initially we had tried hand washing however I didn't trust that people were doing it properly. Now I look back on it and think that sounds ridiculous but at the time I was ill with worry.

My mum and dad were very supportive and came over. Would look at him from afar and worked with me to get better. My in-laws would touch him (without washing their hands) and ignore me. They called me hysterical (which was true) but I needed time, not judgement. I am much better now but at the time I was terrified.

I don't want babysitting. But I'm aware that because I didn't go to visit and they didn't come to visit (I never said they couldn't but we did ask that they didn't touch him), my child doesn't have the same relationship which is sad.

My husband thinks that because they didn't support us at that point there is nothing he wants to do. I think he is quite angry with them for leaving us to get on with it/ leaving us to it because they weren't able to get cuddles. I know it was very difficult on my parents but they supported me I had never experienced any mental health conditions before so it was all very new to everyone.

However, maybe honesty is the right way to go about it. I know they are hurt but it was never a double standard and it's had a very big impact on us all. S

I honestly wouldn’t want to repair with them.

so what if you were, to them, “hysterical” - it’s your baby! You’re a new mother. It’s totally healthy for you to have boundaries and they just trampled on them…and they’ll do it again whether that be over a toddler’s snacks and sugar or something else.

I really understand this. It's hard.

I’m so sorry you went through this! Your in laws have been horrible in not supporting you and you are a very kind person to consider rebuilding the relationship. I had something similar with my in laws, they have fallen out with me over many things but including the request to wash hands before holding either child and my FIL was unwell but came round to visit 10 day old DS - they haven’t forgiven us for asking them to leave. My own personal experience was that although I tried to apologise and explain, my in laws are so narcissistic they haven’t been able to accept my apology and take no accountability. We are therefore very low contact with them
now. I hope things aren’t as bad for you. I’d say all you can do is sit down with them, and explain your POV and how you would like things to be moving forwards, if they can’t get on board or move past it I would say that is their problem, not yours.

You have done incredibly well to recover. It’s a debilitating condition.
And you sound really kind that you see the impact and want to fix it. Try explaining as you did in your op. And then let them make the first move.

Or if they come round anyway let the relationships build up
naturally. Your child is still young and adaptable.

What a horrible reply.

Have you ever read WW1 and/or WW2 as a bar fight? I could use that now to get a grip on the basics (without the very complex nuanced and historical politics).

Your in-laws sound horrible- they should be the ones to apologise! What kind of weirdo puts someone else’s baby’s hand in their mouth? Or even their own baby’s hand for that matter.
It doesn’t sound like you’ll ever have an amazing relationship because they sound like very unkind people. Perhaps your husband could explain very clearly how ill you were and what a difficult time it was and then the ball is in their court to apologise for making it worse. I dont think you should apologise though.

Not just a horrible reply but a really stupid one. The op was in hospital she was so unwell. She mentions nothing about babysitting, you just made that up. Go and be a troll somewhere else.

Op, I think your DH has a point actually. I'd be lead by him in terms of the relationship with your child. I'm glad you're better, don't do anything to jeopardise that by making yourself vulnerable to people who might not have your best interests at heart

There is no way what OP has described is normal, healthy boundaries. It was so abnormal that it was classed as mental illness.

@Vix150 My husband thinks that because they didn't support us at that point there is nothing he wants to do. I think he is quite angry with them for leaving us to get on with it/ leaving us to it because they weren't able to get cuddles

What was expected though? From what you have said, you wanted to be left alone ‘to get on with it/leaving you to it’ as anything else seems like it would have been distressing for you? What was it that your DH expected them to come and do, that they did not do in this situation?

So you were very unwell after the birth of your child, with postnatal OCD and your in laws ignored the advice on ways to see your baby without triggering this and now you want to repair their relationship with you and your baby?

Your child doesn’t have a different relationship with in laws because of your OCD, I think your guilt over having a postnatal mental health problem is clouding things. I get it, I’ve been there and it’s still cropping up years later unfortunately.

Your child has a different relationship with the grandparents who are respectful and supportive of you and your husband than the ones who aren’t respectful and supportive. That is your in laws problem, not yours. Even if you fix this, there’ll be further problems as unfortunately they just aren’t respectful and supportive right now and things won’t change until they do.

The difference is probably that your PIL came to see the baby, while your own parents came to see the baby and you. I get on well with my PIL; no animosity or hostility, but they don’t come to visit me, they come to see the children and DH.

So while I am not condoning them I can see that it was a different set of circumstances in many ways. I don’t think it’s as simple as good = your parents and bad = PIL; it’s a different relationship so of course it’s going to present itself differently.

I think it's not at all uncommon for various mental health problems to cause people to react unreasonably and to make demands and requests that aren’t on reflection entirely fair, but that doesn't mean it's OK. I don’t think people should have to accept ‘boundaries’ if they aren’t reasonable ones, to be honest. Identifying that anxiety is the reason you're behaving unfairly should be the start of the process of trying to resolve that, not the end of the process where you know why and so everyone else has to accept it.

Did you really need to be such a dick? Do you think people have control over their mental illness?
What was happened to this place? So many nasty, bitchy people who just want to stick the boot in.

yes I think talking to them and letting them know what was going on is important. Of course your own family is going by to be understanding and they could see and understand you weren’t well and your health and wellbeing is important to them.

IL will be different as they don’t know you as well nor do they have access to the same information

I think l would be lead by your husband here. You say he doesn't want to try to repair things with his parents and that he is still angry over the way they behaved. He knows his parents better than you and maybe he is well aware that they have form for being unsupportive and unreasonable.
Tbh they sound very selfish and lacking in any kind of empathy towards you when you were struggling with a serious post natal condition. I am glad you are well now but l think l would be keeping your in laws at arms length. Be polite, keep them informed but don't rush to build bridges. Let them be the ones to repair things.

The trouble is that you and your husband excluded them even if it felt justified. Did you allow your husband to see his parents on his own with the baby or was the baby really just your baby? Whatever posters say , your in laws will have felt very shut out. I would encourage them to see your baby just with their son, the baby’s father for a few sessions. That will help them bond with the baby and feel connected. They probably feel very judged by you. Once they feel connected to the baby then slowly reintroduce whole family sessions.
It is every grandparents nightmare to be excluded from a grandchild’s life. Your child is now nearly two years old. You have to decide if you want them back in your life. If you do, you will have to actively show them that you very much want them to be a part of your baby’s life. If you decide you don’t want them in your life that will be hard for your husband in the future.

You need to be honest, acknowledge that your actions were due to being mentally ill and apologise. It's not reasonable for someone with OCD to demand that other people follow their
'rules' and it also doesn't help the OCD symptoms - what helps is seeing that someone kissed your baby and the baby was fine. I hope your mental health is better. Posters flaming your in-laws are being very unreasonable- if anything their response was more healthy than your parents reinforcing your irrational 'rules'.

Nasty...really, really nasty