How can I repair things with my in-laws after postnatal OCD?

[Vix150]

To cut a long story short, when my baby was first born I really struggled with people holding him. I couldn't stand the thought of people touching him, my husband didn't take it seriously at the start because "people hold babies" and I ended up with a rather debilitating form of postnatal OCD where I thought my child was going to die. It didn't help that people kept kissing him (on the top of his head) and I just freaked out.

We eventually went to, no one is allowed to touch him because I just couldn't cope and I was really ill with worry every time someone would ask to hold him.

This really impacted my relationship with my in-laws as they struggled to respect the boundaries and one day my sister in law just took him and let him put his fingers in her mouth. My mother in law was also less than supportive and would touch his face when she was in.

Now my wee one is 23 months and whilst I am in a much better place emotionally the relationship with my in laws is totally fractured. My little one has a better relationship with my parents because I didn't retreat from them and I feel very guilty that he doesn't treat his grandparents equally.

What can I do to mend this relationship?

Kindly, I agree with this.

If you want to repair the relationship, you have to find a way to let all this go. Forgiving them, forgiving yourself, and moving forward into a new place together. Nobody's perfect - we all get things wrong. We don't all necessarily have the tools to cope with complicated situations and sometimes we just freeze up. But the situation has changed now, so your relationship can change also. There's time, and there's hope!

We have a cognitive bias, we humans, where we can understand our own behaviour contextually but we project a lot more agency onto others. It's called the Actor Observer bias. We attribute our own actions to external, situational factors (actor) while attributing other people's behaviors to their internal personality traits or character (observer). I was tired (situational), they are an angry person (dispositional).

If you can find a way to extend your compassion to them, you will find in that feeling a lot of compassion for yourself also. Good luck x

Eric - OP was unwell enough to be in hospital. I’m sure her DH wouldn’t have wanted to distress her further by taking the baby to see the ILs without her. No one should have to apologise for mental illness - explain, yes but not apologise. Did you not read the bit about the SIL putting the babies hand in her mouth - that’s such a strange think to do, and to do it when you know the mother is suffering it sounds quite deliberate.

I think you have to be honest with them. Explain you did have a mental health condition which is now well managed and you don't want them to be as distant as they have. I dont think you should apologise, but express regret that things are the way they are.

Then make plans for how you can move forwards.

I know lots of in laws on the Father’s side who have been excluded and sidelined after the birth of a grandchild. It is like parents bonding with a child. I have a young friend ( my friend’s daughter) who very much favoured her own parents and kept her in laws away from her child. They have very little contact now. The daughter bad mouths the in laws and constantly claims that they favour their own daughter’s children but she made it quite clear from the start that they would only ever have a minor role in her children’s lives. She has never come out and said it but she regrets the input ( financial as well as emotional) that her in laws give to their other grandchildren. To be honest, their relationship is damaged beyond repair.
If you really care about them being involved grandparents you will have to actively show willing. As I said the best way to start might be encouraging your husband to see them on his own with his son.

The solution to most problems on mn- talk to them. Preferably with cake about. Sorry you went through this op x

@Sandysandytoes I must be really sleepy this morning. I've re-read everything the OP has written on this thread three times and I can't see where it says she was hospitalised.

I could not see that bit either in the OP's post.

@faber Having re-read the entire thread a fourth time I can see that two different posters stated the OP was hospitalised but there's nowhere to get that from the OP herself. Very odd.

I think you need to talk to them and apologise, I know it’s not your fault but your behaviour would have made them feel awful.

Id be making an effort to spend more time with them.

I think the hospitalisation part may well be an attempt by some posters to demonise the in laws unfairly.

Your sounding so much better, that's really good news, congratulations getting through such a difficult time.
Your reflecting honestly on how things went, your not to blame for your mental health. Don't let this become your new obsession.
Write a letter, voice note whatever your comfortable with to them, your first post was really was clear on what's happened. Don't grovel, explain where you are now, your reflections and regrets. Possibly give time/offer a cafe catch up and take it from there. If they want to leave as is, that's fine, but you have opened a line of communication.
Still have boundaries, respect theirs

Hand washing before touching a newborn, not kissing a baby, and not sticking baby’s hands in your mouth are all pretty sensible and normal rules even without OCD. Not kissing babies that aren’t yours is literally NHS and Lullaby Trust guidance (THANKS guidelines). OP’s reaction to it might have been excessive but the rule itself was not. Disregarding the requests of new parents, especially when one is already in a mental health crisis, tells plenty about what kind of people ILs are. Being sad about not having cuddles and kisses is one thing. Going off in a strop and not engaging at all because they couldn’t do what they wanted, is quite another. I can completely understand OP’s DH being angry at them.

I don’t think you need to do anything.

You were unwell.

Your in laws behaved appallingly.

They are the ones who owe you an apology for being unsupportive and cruel.

They were dammed if they did and dammed if they didn’t. I note you said your DH struggled initially to take your OCD seriously. Do you think he feels some shame about this and is punishing his parents for effectively having the same reaction he did? I think all you can do is be honest with them, say sorry, explain your diagnosis and see what they say. If they persist in labelling you hysterical then you know you tried, but they may surprise you and be understanding. I don’t think people saying you were holding boundaries are helpful as your behaviour was being driven by the fact you were clearly unwell. I really hope you are feeling better now and are getting the support you need.

Babes are known for grabbing, scratching, holding noses, grabbing glasses, fingers in holders eyes and mouth. What was she to do? Slap his hand away?

I think arrange a time to sit down and talk to them to fully explain how unwell you were (though I don’t know how they couldn’t see that). If they’re reasonable, decent people, they will understand and will still want to have a relationship with their grandchild.

You know what you do when a baby reaches for your mouth? You keep your mouth shut. Funnily enough, small babies don’t have the strength to force their hands into an adult’s mouth unless the adult allows them.

Not hold or touch him like she'd been asked would probably be a start.

Op I wouldn't bother trying to repair the relationship - they've proven they can't respect any kind of boundaries, are you actually having contact with them now or is it more thinking about it? Id say they've made their choice of not being involved so let them.

@ThisTimeWillBeDifferent The OP's baby is 2 years old now. Did your one year old never force their hands all over your face? The in laws been kept away from the baby for two years

OP, I really feel for you. I had a similar experience where my MIL started getting coldsores (I’d honestly never seen her get one before DC was born, and then she had them pretty solidly for about the first three months of DC’s life). She just wouldn’t take any precautions around them and even my DH thought I was overreacting. I ended up begging him to look up the NHS information on new babies contracting herpes if he didn’t believe me. It was really awful and definitely damaged my relationship with my MIL and other ILs as everyone thought I was being a neurotic new mum. Nobody seemed to believe me that herpes can be extremely dangerous to babies - it was always ‘just’ a coldsore.

DH eventually spoke to MIL to explain how I was feeling and she was very upset by it. In my case, unfortunately it still feels like the elephant in the room (DC is now 17 months old) and our relationship still isn’t yet the same as it was pre-DC. I do think something must have sunk in though as my SIL had her first baby this year and MIL happened to be ill when DGC was born and didn’t visit for the first 10 days to avoid passing anything on.

I hope you’re in a better place now. It’s really hard to go through something like this, and even worse when nobody takes you seriously 💐

I don’t let my own baby’s hands in my mouth. It’s not that hard. I turn my head or lean away 🙄

Oh my gosh! Not kept away! We've seen them! And when we did I asked them not to touch the baby (or my husband) did and they would touch his face or pick him up anyway which caused great difficulty for me.

There is now an atmosphere when we seen them as my 2 year old doesn't really want to go to them. We see them probably once a fortnight - they live an hour and a half away. My parents live in the next town over so we see them more regularly.

I HAVE NEVER KEPT MY SON AWAY from any of his grandparents but I did request that they didn't hold him or touch him. My parents didn't until I had been in therapy for a while and I eased into it. My in-laws made a fuss so my attitude to them changed but I tried the same easing into cuddles as I did with my parents and it was always taken to the next step further (if that makes sense).

Anyway! I didn't actually post this post for a discussion on my handling. I just wanted to know if I could make it better. Honesty and just trying seems like a good place to start.

If they don’t understand, could you perhaps send them a card and write down that you were mentally ill and apologise that way?

@Fablerconsidering their behaviour was ongoing from day one it is just as likely the baby was months old, not a year, but regardless, I can honestly say no one has allowed my child’s hand into their mouths, and somehow I have also managed to not stick other people’s baby’s hands into my mouth either. At my mouth for a brief moment, sure. Not in it. Face grabbing is normal, but you redirect their hands and move your head, you don’t just allow them to shove their fingers in nor do you need to “slap it away” like the Pap suggested. Given OP said she let him, it’s obvious SIL wasn’t attempting to stop it and didn’t apologise for it, which suggests she didn’t see anything wrong. I can quite imagine someone with poor boundaries doing it so they can kiss or pretend to eat the little one’s fingers in the way a parent might.

They haven’t been kept away. They were allowed to see him, just not touch him. They weren’t told to stay away. They chose not to go over as much. They decided it was touching or nothing and they weren’t willing to work with the parents to form a relationship or to support Op with her illness. They made their choice and it showed exactly where their priorities were.