How can I repair things with my in-laws after postnatal OCD?

[Vix150]

To cut a long story short, when my baby was first born I really struggled with people holding him. I couldn't stand the thought of people touching him, my husband didn't take it seriously at the start because "people hold babies" and I ended up with a rather debilitating form of postnatal OCD where I thought my child was going to die. It didn't help that people kept kissing him (on the top of his head) and I just freaked out.

We eventually went to, no one is allowed to touch him because I just couldn't cope and I was really ill with worry every time someone would ask to hold him.

This really impacted my relationship with my in-laws as they struggled to respect the boundaries and one day my sister in law just took him and let him put his fingers in her mouth. My mother in law was also less than supportive and would touch his face when she was in.

Now my wee one is 23 months and whilst I am in a much better place emotionally the relationship with my in laws is totally fractured. My little one has a better relationship with my parents because I didn't retreat from them and I feel very guilty that he doesn't treat his grandparents equally.

What can I do to mend this relationship?

Honestly I wouldn’t bother.

They weren’t supportive when you were seriously ill, and just thought about getting their own wants met.

No loss.

The OP asked about how she can repair the relationship. She didn't ask if she should bother or not. Most people would have found the OP's behaviour distressing. If she is serious about repairing the relationship there has to be an acknowledgement on her part that her behaviour was upsetting for them, no matter how justified the OP felt her behaviour to be. The in laws drive a three hour round trip every fortnight to see their grandson. These are people who are clearly bothered about their grandchild. Some kind of acknowledgement of her illness would help clear the air and also some acknowledgement of their continued efforts to see their grandchild. If the OP is really serious about repairing the relationship, these acknowledgements need to happen.

Op you can certainly try, but DH needs to be on board too if you’re going to make a concerted effort. From his perspective, his wife was in crisis and his family chose to actively act in a way that exacerbated your symptoms. It’s natural he’s furious, and it will likely take a bit of time to build up trust with them again.

It’s clear from their behaviour they felt entitled to a relationship on their terms. They knew you were ill, and they pushed hard, so it’s natural you pulled back. They could have taken a very different route and it would have ended very differently, like it did with your parents. Please don’t blame yourself for being ill or for their relationship with your DS not being the same as your parents. They weren’t passive bystanders and it isn’t your fault so you shouldn’t be feeling guilty.

I don’t see much point in apologising for being ill - do you think they will apologise for acting as they did? By all means try explaining your perspective in an open and honest way but if they didn’t understand/care then I’m not sure what has changed so that they will understand or care now? You also can’t force them to realise that their behaviour was unacceptable and unless they acknowledge it, you will be left shouldering all of the blame for the relationship breakdown when it isn’t yours to bear and that’s in itself will damage, not repair it.

It’s unfortunate that DS’ relationship isn’t as strong with them, but keep seeing them. He's still young and has years to develop his own relationship with them. It isn’t all lost. Under two years really isn’t that long.

I know it’d be difficult, but I’d be inclined to have a very honest chat with them acknowledging that the boundaries you upheld at that time were lead by the state of your mental health, and that things have changed.

I think parenting has changed a lot from even when I had mine twelve years ago, there seems to be even more anxiety now than then. We’re also not bringing up children to be part of a village even more so. So your in laws may have felt incredibly excluded and that it was incredibly abnormal.

Hopefully now you can see just how extreme your mental illness was in terms of these boundaries, so now is the time to build bridges and acknowledge that with them.

Yeah I’d leave it. You were unwell and they chose to call you names and leave you to it. If they couldn’t hold the baby they didn’t want to visit.

i wouldn't do a big apology anyway but you could message to say it was a difficult time, you didn’t want it to create distance but it’s something you’ve worked through.

honestly you’ve done the work here, they haven’t. But it is worth an olive branch if they are willing to reach out too.

Your inlaws were completely out of order. There is no way they should have kissed/ sucked the fingers of a newborn and they should have completely respected your boundaries. I wouldnt dream of doing that.
My own sisters didnt let anyone touch their babies without using hand sanitiser first and having their express permission.
Its them that need to mend their relationship with you. Not the other way round.

There is nothing wrong with OPs boundaries and she should NOT apogise for their appalling behaviour. It is perfectly normal for a new mum to be very protective of her baby and normal throughout the animal kingdom.

You are ignorant and stupid.

If your in laws are intelligent people, they will understand. If they want to blame you through their own lack of education, fine. You can say you are sorry for what happened but your were very unwell. Send them information on OCD (which by the way, the World Health Organisation puts in the top ten most debilitating illnesses in terms of quality of life) and see if they can show the compassion expected. Your SIL putting her finger in your baby's mouth in the face of your OCD is actually disgusting on her part.

If people don’t show me respect or at least take my opinions on board then I wouldnt want a relationship with them,

they crossed a line, yeah your thoughts were irrational but you were unwell and they should have respected your thoughts and feelings.

If someone said I was allowed to look at a baby but not touch or hold it, I wouldn’t be super keen to go back, to be honest.

If your husband isn't interested in having a closer relationship with them, that suggests this behaviour wasn't out of character for them or that there have been issues in the past. Why are you so determined to address it against his wishes?

I think all you can do is explain to them very carefully that you were ill, give them some information on postnatal OCD and say that you know it was hard for them to understand. It wasn’t personal to them and it wasn’t you being difficult - you were ill. But you are better now and would like them to have a close relationship with their grandchild.

Then the ball is in their court.

She was ill! Or do you think she was just being nasty and difficult?

But this wasn’t a ‘healthy’ boundary as OP now recognises. It must have been very difficult for everyone involved and glad OP is now in a position where she wants to try and repair things.
I can see why in laws stepped back - I likely would have done the same.
i think be totally honest OP, as you had here. Why not write them a letter. Be open and vulnerable and hopefully they will have a better understanding of why this has happened and what you were going through. I think that first bit will be the biggest hurdle but then together you can work on repairing things. Good luck and hope you continue to feel better.

Of course I don’t, but I also don’t think having identified it was an illness that the not holding their grandchild should have been the end of the discussion.

OP - as this kind of post natal OCD can run in families, is there a chance that your DM also suffered from something similar, which made it easier for her to relate to what you were going through, and therefore easier for them to keep within your boundaries? If your MIL didn't suffer, or maybe did but had to keep her own poor mental health hidden (things were different in the past), all of this might influence their attitudes towards you when your baby was tiny.

Have you asked them if they had any problems post natally? It might be a way to start the conversation.

(Declaring an interest here, my DD has just had a baby and a DIL is about to give birth any day. I've already warned both of them that they are going to dislike me for at least six months...)

I agree with this and was thinking how to word it. Accommodating ocd never helps long term although it gets you through the moment.
also, a lot of people have weird rules around babies without having a mental illness - did your in-laws know you were unwell or did they just give up thinking you were being precious first born?

I had severe PND with my DD which manifested in a similar way (and has unfortunately morphed into other issues). My PIL were supportive, but I still managed to upset them with a couple of things.

IF your husband wants to repair the relationship, could you write a letter, explaining your illness the way you have here,
and inviting them to visit? That way you can write out exactly what you want to say without worrying about how they will react, and it gives them time to digest the information.

Then take it from there.

Sending a huge hug from me; pulling yourself out of PND is an achievement.

Your actual question was ‘ how do I mend this relationship’? Firstly you need to forgive yourself. What happened with them was due to illness, not spitefulness on your behalf.
Unless there is a huge backstory to their previous behaviour I would arrange to go round and speak to your mother in law. Tell her roughly what you’ve said here. If she loves you it will be ok. She might not fully understand but she should move forward.

You and your husband have clearly been through a lot. I’m glad you are feeling better now and I hope once you and your husband have that conversation it will be a more positive relationship with them. I hope it goes well.

We take him to see them. They come to us very rarely.

I would actually turn this round - what are your PILs going to do to repair the fractured relationship with you. I’m assuming they were aware of your illness but chose to ignore the seriousness of it?

@Vix150
To be honest your last comment makes it sound like you don't like them. Are you asking for MN permission to end your relationship with them? Do you really want to 'repair the relationship' as you put in your thread title. You have had a lot of suggestions to help re-establish a positive relationship. You don't need to heed any of it if you don't want to do so.
However, it sounds as if you might regret what happened so you can take the bull by the horns and talk honestly about your PND to them.Or you can cut contact. Will you have regrets if you allow things to drift? I think it is up to you to decide. As time goes by, it will become harder to make good a rift.

there has to be an acknowledgement on her part that her behaviour was upsetting for them, no matter how justified the OP felt her behaviour to be

The OP suffered from a serious post natal mental health crisis, which is very common. She wasn’t being fussy or awkward or unkind to her PILs. She was ill.
Please explain why someone with a mental health crisis needs to apologise.

Her last comment was to point out to your post that her PILs didn’t do 3 hour round trips to see their grandchild - that it’s to]he OP who actually does these round trips.