How can I repair things with my in-laws after postnatal OCD?

[Vix150]

To cut a long story short, when my baby was first born I really struggled with people holding him. I couldn't stand the thought of people touching him, my husband didn't take it seriously at the start because "people hold babies" and I ended up with a rather debilitating form of postnatal OCD where I thought my child was going to die. It didn't help that people kept kissing him (on the top of his head) and I just freaked out.

We eventually went to, no one is allowed to touch him because I just couldn't cope and I was really ill with worry every time someone would ask to hold him.

This really impacted my relationship with my in-laws as they struggled to respect the boundaries and one day my sister in law just took him and let him put his fingers in her mouth. My mother in law was also less than supportive and would touch his face when she was in.

Now my wee one is 23 months and whilst I am in a much better place emotionally the relationship with my in laws is totally fractured. My little one has a better relationship with my parents because I didn't retreat from them and I feel very guilty that he doesn't treat his grandparents equally.

What can I do to mend this relationship?

I don't think you'll be able to "repair" the relationship and that you should instead focus on building anew.

Your parents in law were in the wrong and the fact that they now have a more distant relationship is down to them and their lack of support and nastiness - it's not your fault and you don't carry the burden of responsibility here.

So stop feeling guilty, you were ill.

Spring/summer is a great time to build things up on neutral territory, suggest meeting them outside at parks etc for picnics and games or walks. Your toddler will love the time with them and your baby will become more familiar with them.

@Vix150 , you poor thing; I’m really glad you’re feeling better now. Are your in-laws aware that your own family were not treated any differently at the time? I don’t think they have reacted well to your situation but they sound hurt. Before you had your baby how was your relationship with them, do you think they had previously had reason to feel that you may be trying to exclude them?
I have two grown up sons and two lovely daughters in law who I get on very well with, I would have been so worried about them if they’d behaved as you did. They both have babies at the moment, I don’t ever ask to hold them but am always delighted when they are offered to me to hold. ☺️
Your illness must have been very stressful for your husband and while I can understand that he is cross with his family and it’s lovely that he’s so protective of you, you are right to say that your child would benefit from having a relationship with both sets of loving grandparents. Speak to him and impress upon him that you want to mend the relationship for the sake of your child, what is best for the child should always be the top priority.
If I were you I would write them a letter, not an email and preferably hand written because that is much more personal. Apologies and explain you were very unwell, make sure to explain that you were exactly the same with your own family. Tell them you understand that they were hurt, don’t whatever you do criticise anything they did. Tell them that you want them to be an active part of your children’s lives. Send a nice bunch of flowers and hope to hear from them. If they don’t respond after a week or so send them an invitation to join you and your child for a trip to the park and see what happens. I hope it works for you but if it doesn’t at least you know you tried. Don’t beat yourself up about this as adults we are responsible for our behaviour but not when we’re in the midst of a mental health crisis. Good luck!

There has been a lot of piling on the inlaws and two posters claimed the OP was hospitalised for her depression. As a number of other posters have pointed out, the OP made no mention of hospitalisation. It is all a bit weird.
The OP can decide whether to repair her relationship. From the sound of a number of her comments she doesn't much want to do so. That is her choice but the longer she leaves it the harder it will be to effect a reconciliation. Does the OP wish to live with a situation which might become increasingly uncomfortable or does she want to stop contact. If she makes the latter decision, she cannot mind if there is a permanent rift between the families. Will her husband mind if his family become closer to their daughter and he feels that he and his son are estranged from his family.

The op did not have depression - she had post natal OCD which is a very serious, debilitating mental health illness.

Seriously? You wouldn’t want to go back and support the poor woman suffering with a mental health condition? Right, so it’s just about what YOU would want. No baby cuddles, then I’m off. Lovely.

Her husband is the one that recognises that the behaviour of his parents actually harmed his wife, is angry about it and doesn’t want Op to do anything about it.

It’s a bit rich of you to be flagging other people’s errors when you were the one claiming Op was keeping her child from them when it was clear that she wasn’t because she had already said she was inviting them over.

Their behaviour was a significant contributing factor so why are you claiming it’s Op causing the rift? Where is the recognition of the part they played? op cant fix it alone. Op was legitimately ill. They were throwing a strop. They had control of their behaviour. She did not.

I think that’s a weirdly aggressive reply to my post.

If I went to visit someone and was told in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t allowed to touch or hold their baby I wouldn’t assume they actually wanted me there as support. I’d be more inclined to think my presence was detrimental to them and their feelings and that I wasn’t actually wanted at all.

Of course, if the OP was saying ‘please, I’m desperate for your support but don’t touch the baby’ that’s kind of different but I don’t think that’s the case.

Me too

It was your post that was weirdly aggressive.

If a new mum was suffering from a mental health issue and obviously distressed then interpreting that as them behaving negatively towards you and deciding you don’t want to be present because you don’t get what you want is unpleasant and selfish behaviour.

Why should OP apologise for being sick?

she wouldn’t be expected to apologise if she’d had a PPH which had left her in hospital for two weeks so the ILs couldn’t spend time with the baby.

Even without OCD not wanting your newborn kissed or having their fingers in someone’s mouth is entirely reasonable

I am a grandma. For goodness sake what right does any GPS have to be touching and handling a baby when their mother is struggling with that. There is a massive motherly instinct to protect your baby ..add in hormones..post natal stress and that gran especially should have seen what was happening and have some sympathy.
I was brought up on a farm and if you went next or near a baby calf after birth the mother could kill you. That might sound crude but nature is nature. I am sorry you had to go through this.
Let them come to you if they want to see their gc.

Your comment came across as curt and dismissive. It would be perfectly reasonable (but not necessarily true) to assume that someone with OCD might be more comfortable without your company at all but that isn’t what you said. You said you wouldn’t be inclined to return if you couldn’t touch or hold the baby. That’s all. You have now added context after the fact, but it doesn’t strike me as having been so much as hinted at in your initial comment, which is what I was responding to.

Also, if it’s even remotely relevant to you, I find that many people who are suffering with a mental illness don’t generally ask for support. Which is a great shame because then they are left to struggle alone.

This ^

It was the fact that the in-laws and sil were disrespecting these very basic and common rules that led to them to not being allowed to touch the baby at all. Yes OP might have been obsessing over the well being of her baby more than what is considered normal...but maybe if they had just followed these simple guidelines then things might not have escalated as they did.

I agree with this.

You were unwell, you weren’t being mean.
I’m aware of how hard it must have been for them but to know that you’re DIL is struggling with her mental health (rather than doing it out of spite or whatever) and not try to support in whatever way you can is sad.

Are you still in therapy? I think that it might be useful to discuss this relationship.

Was going to saw all this.

Not holding a baby is not actually difficult, especially compared to what you were going though.

It's not your fault but theirs alone for the difference in the relationship your DC has with them.

This is the natural consequences of their disgusting behaviour.

OP, I think the fact that you want to fix this is testament to how kind you are and what a considerate daughter-in-law you are. It would be really easy to avoid this but I think you should talk to them, or write a letter if you think that would make it easier to get your point across. You can apologise for how your illness might have made them feel, explain how awful it was for you and mention it as a mental health issue and nothing to do with your feelings towards them. Lots of people find mental illness in others difficult to manage. People often don't know what to do and so do something unhelpful or nothing, often due to feeling upset or stressed themselves. I feel certain that this can be fixed with some communication and some time, or at least I really hope so. It sounds like there are hurt feelings between your husband and parents, and he might need to forgive them for not knowing what to do in such a difficult and unexpected situation. Good luck.

Hey, I had a similar experience, though not so debilitating as yours. I also had a tricky time getting back onboard with paternal grandparents. I think we naturally lean to our own parents and forgive them more easily. I’d say take it slowly, suggest a drink/cake/meal out with them, or invite them round, or visit them. They’ll likely be so grateful to see their grandchild that all will be forgotten/forgiven. Don’t forget they were young parents too, and grandmother will no doubt recall some of the struggles she had when a new mum. I disagree with people who have said detrimental things about anyone in this. Is it natural to not understand a mental health issue if you’ve not had one, and also easy to forget how difficult it is being new to parenting. Invilve them in your lives and have a nice family time going forwards… you might be in their shoes in 25/30 years time with the next generation. You’d be devastated to be cut out for not understanding something they likely know nothing about. You’d could print something off about it, even discuss with them what a hard time it was for you. The fact you have posted this means that you are willing to repair. They likely dont know what to do. Much better for your little one to be in the fold of a loving extended family, and grandparents (whether you like them or not), will likely be a source of lots of happy times. I wasn’t a fan of my ex’s parents, but I endured their company and my kids loved being with them and now have very fond memories of time spent together. Also, from a purely selfish point of view, if they take your little one for a few hours, you get to put your feet up or do something for yourself. Definitely worth making an effort to repair.