Coming to terms with never getting married

[bellhooks22]

I've been with my partner for 5 years. It's an amazing relationship in nearly every way. He cares about me so much, can't do enough for me, gets on really well with my friends and family. We have lots of fun together and lots of laughs and we are a great team. No kids. He was married before and it ended in sad circumstances (she had some serious mental health issues, I won't get into the details here but it was a mutual and necessary ending). I have known them both for a long time so I saw both sides.

The issue now is that I wanted to get married, and while he was keen at first he later changed his position. He says that he just can't see the point of it this time around (there were outside reasons first time around, to do with her family). While he hasn't said this I suspect there's also a desire not to repeat what was quite a traumatic marriage breakdown. We've talked a lot about it and he hasn't ruled it out but just really isn't keen now.

I accept that he may never want to marry me, so the point of this thread is to understand whether anyone else has been on this position and how they got over it. I'm heartbroken as would have loved the feeling of being married, celebrating with all of our friends, everyone knowing the commitment that we are making to each other. I suggested compromising with a ring but he wasn't keen on that (I guess because everyone would be asking when we were actually getting married). I feel like I'll need to grieve this loss but I don't want to leave him as I don't think I'll find anyone nearly as wonderful. Does it get any easier?

Do yourself a favour and walk away. If you don’t, this will eat away inside you for evermore. It will erode your self esteem and in time your relationship will wither.

If you are going to have children, this needs to be a deal breaker.

how old are you? If you are senior citizens and not planning a joint financial future, it’s not as much of an issue. If you are relatively young, this shows he isn’t really committed. If you are planning a lifetime together, he should want to get married if he believes you are the one.

You won't get over it. Trust me. I'm 14 years in.

I would agree that you are at opposite poles about marriage. I don't know how you'd deal with that other than leaving the relationship. If you decide to stay the marriage issue will be sitting on your shoulder forever more.

It's fine when a couple mutually agree. You two don't. Think about that.

We are mid 40s, not planning on children. We would like to buy a house and maybe share animals together.

If he cared enough he would marry you. Don’t settle for this and show him the meaning of the loss of you.

To be fair, some people need more time - my in laws were together 25 years before they married (& it's their 10th wedding anniversary this year).
Equally, it's also true that previous bad experience is relevant - I respect someone more who says they don't want to risk a second divorce, rather than those who just bounce between marriages without any thought.
Buying a house together is a massive commitment - I think you both need to be very sure before you take that step.
But I do agree that just buying a ring, or "getting engaged", is pointless, because it's the actual marriage that matters.

Does he have children? If so, he may be wanting to protect their inheritance, which is reasonable.

What are your relative financial circumstances? This kind of stuff is more important for older couples, especially if they don’t have children together.

No, neither of us have any children. He has said that if it was a condition of staying together then he would do it, but I don't think that's a healthy basis for getting married. I think you should both want to and I have to accept that he doesn't.

Sorry and just to add that we are both financially independent and secure in our own right. Wouldn't really be about finances for me.

I divorced after 20 years. I left him as he was alcoholic and abusive. I know it was right to leave but I still loved the man he was when sober.

I met someone else and we bought a house together and for 9 years he kept asking me to marry him but I just couldn't. Much as I loved my new partner I still felt sorry for my ex and saw remarrying as a kick in thee teeth for him. I didn't remarry until after my first husbands death. Is your partner possibly conflicted this way?

@letmebetheone yes possibly. Didn't think of that.

@AnonymousCapybara if you don't mind sharing, what has it been like for you? And what made you decide to stay?

I’m going to give you the take from the other side. I met my husband in my 40s I went through a horrific divorce, indeed on my medical records it records it as 7 years of being domestic abuse victim I wasn’t living with him for 6 years of that but he dragged me to and from court numerous times. I had to protect myself and the children and he got given a life long restraining order 4 years in. When I met my husband I said very clearly from the off I meant my vows to my ex and he had betrayed me in the worst way possible by hounding me for 7 years and he cost me nearly £100 K in legal fees. I said I would NEVER remarry and having changed my name for my ex and had to fight in court for the children (that he didn’t see and had parental rights removed from) to have my name that I would NEVER marry and NEVER change my name. Ever. Indeed I said my house if for me and my children and that it. He said ok, he showed up and proved himself. When it came to buy a house together he had far more money than me and he said I’m putting all my money in but the house is going to be 50/50. At this point I’m thinking this man means it. He said I’m in and I’m committed and I want in. One day the children asked (we were living together at this point) why aren’t you married and he said because mum said she doesn’t want to get married and that’s fine all I care about is being with her. I want to be with her and you guys married or not. I said a few days later I might consider it actually and he said ok. He then changed his to my surname by deed poll and gave me the document and said I’m in. I said ok I want to marry you. By this point I knew I was totally in love with him and trusted him 100%. We got married, tiny affair 12 of us including the kids. He still says now, I just knew I wanted to be with you and I knew what you had been through and I was ok with that.

I would go back and say I want you and want to be with you but it is IMPORTANT to me I want to be married to you for all the practical reasons and just to make that commitment and yes I really want it please but in a time frame and when you want - as low key as you want but I do want to be married to YOU.

My friend Paul like your partner didn’t want to marry due to a horrific parental divorce, his wife Karen said but I do and I want to be married and I don’t want to buy a house without it. They got married. They had years of infertility and couldn’t have kids but they have been married 30 years and he said to me last time I saw them - I was really indifferent to marriage but it was important to Karen and actually it is best thing I ever did and I don’t regret it for a second and I would marry her again.

You can leave your wonderful partner and marry a right doofus and end up divorced in a year and losing everything. Do you want to be married to anyone or do you want to be married to him? If it is the later, tell me and wait. Marriage is a legal partnership, ill health the works and its not a romantic stroll in the sunset.

good luck

We have children, a house, pets etc. Everything else is exactly what I've always wanted and he is a brilliant partner otherwise. But it does really get me down and I can feel the resentment building. If I was in your position with no joint finances or children I don't think I'd stay to be honest.

Would he become a civil partner? Now we're hitting mid-40s, a few straight couples we know have done mainly for inheritance, and so that if one is in the hospital, etc., the partner makes the decisions and has the right to visit.

This is utter rubbish. You could just as easily say that if she cared for him then she would let it go.

What she wants is no more important or valid than what he wants.

I'm going to give my perspective whose husband went non communication about having children and then said he didn't when I finally got it out of him. I still have a huge amount of resentment but I can't leave due to financial reasons. So, my point being, if it is a deal breaker (getting married), then make some hard decisions, otherwise the resentment will eat away at you.

Marry me or I’m leaving might work- but would go against what he wants and he would probably be reevaluating the relationship

In that the only thing marriage will bring you is financial problems if you get divorced
just buy a house together- if you split up simply sell the house or one can buy the other out

If you are both financially independent, don’t have and won’t be having children and you are over 40 why do you want to get married?

I completely understand.
Too many times a guy who won’t marry you ends up marrying someone else when the relationship ends.
i remember a guy I worked with said that his wife was the reason he wanted to be married. He met her and he knew. I always remember this and feel sad at my own situation (no sign of marriage and 4 years in).

I also think you’re right not to force it. It won’t feel the same. I guess you need to work out if it’s a deal breaker for you. For me it is.

@Theresabatinmykitchen I like the idea of the security of it, and celebrating with family and friends, having a special anniversary to celebrate. I feel like the relationship would be more respected by people around us if we were married, and people would know how committed we are to each other. It also means something to me for us to make that commitment publicly in front of the people we love. Just a few of the reasons.

I’m not married and never will be. Especially when we’re a bit older I don’t see its purpose. So I agree with your DP. But if it does matter to you I agree you should walk.

I never want to get married and so I pretend to know how you feel.

However, I do know many people who have been married before and never wants to do it again.

So say if you separate, it is not guaranteed that you will find someone who wants to get married.

You need to decide if you are ok with never getting married and not feel sad/resentful that you never did.

What’s more important to you - him or a celebration/party on 1 day?