Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Coming to terms with never getting married

96 replies

bellhooks22 · 08/04/2026 17:37

I've been with my partner for 5 years. It's an amazing relationship in nearly every way. He cares about me so much, can't do enough for me, gets on really well with my friends and family. We have lots of fun together and lots of laughs and we are a great team. No kids. He was married before and it ended in sad circumstances (she had some serious mental health issues, I won't get into the details here but it was a mutual and necessary ending). I have known them both for a long time so I saw both sides.

The issue now is that I wanted to get married, and while he was keen at first he later changed his position. He says that he just can't see the point of it this time around (there were outside reasons first time around, to do with her family). While he hasn't said this I suspect there's also a desire not to repeat what was quite a traumatic marriage breakdown. We've talked a lot about it and he hasn't ruled it out but just really isn't keen now.

I accept that he may never want to marry me, so the point of this thread is to understand whether anyone else has been on this position and how they got over it. I'm heartbroken as would have loved the feeling of being married, celebrating with all of our friends, everyone knowing the commitment that we are making to each other. I suggested compromising with a ring but he wasn't keen on that (I guess because everyone would be asking when we were actually getting married). I feel like I'll need to grieve this loss but I don't want to leave him as I don't think I'll find anyone nearly as wonderful. Does it get any easier?

OP posts:
Iocanepowder · 09/04/2026 07:23

Babyboomtastic · 09/04/2026 00:40

I get the feeling getting what you said that you've compromised on not having kids, as well as not getting married 😢.

Interesting take, that didn’t occur to me at all. Is it not more common for people to actively not want babies in their 40s?

BCBird · 09/04/2026 07:32

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/04/2026 17:59

If he cared enough he would marry you. Don’t settle for this and show him the meaning of the loss of you.

I don't agree. Him.not wanting to.get married does not mean he doesn't care, in the same way as OP wanting to.get married doesn't not mean.she cares more.

JoiseeeEileennnn · 09/04/2026 07:44

Could you do what Stacey Solomon has apparently done, like a commitment ceremony but not a proper wedding?

Original poster
bellhooks22 · 09/04/2026 07:46

@Babyboomtastic that's odd, what about what I've said suggests that? Neither of us want children.

OP posts:
stresshousemove · 09/04/2026 08:02

Is it because you knew the previous wife OP? I wonder if you need to (quite rightly) feel like you’re the main show now, especially if there was a lot of drama at the time.

In my opinion he should marry you.

I had a very traumatic marriage which I just walked into with little thought. I think there’d be a different way of doing it the second time round. If I ever get married again that’ll be my proper marriage— I’ll be sure I mean it.

Gardenquestion22 · 09/04/2026 08:07

I have 3 good female friends who met their partners when they were older, 40s and 50s, all been together 20 odd years now, houses, wills etc. 2 of them their partners had difficult divorces. Properly committed relationships but don’t want to get married again. The older couple, she was married previously and never seemed interested in marrying again.

the first 2 friends have gone through a range of emotional changes about the marriage thing but both now don’t seem that bothered. I think they realised their partners had reasons.

my DH wasn’t overly keen on getting married again, fairly amicable divorce, but he was amenable to it so we did and for us I’m glad we did…

lebin · 09/04/2026 08:29

I met my partner at 21 and we were so young and carefree we just didn't really talk about the future! We had years of holidays/ festivals/ fun and then one day he made a comment that made me realise he wasn’t interested in marriage or children. It honestly hit me like a ton of bricks. I just “assumed” that was the path we were on - but because I knew I didn’t want any of that until my 30s it felt like a million years off.

I had to really weigh up what I wanted for myself and how much I loved him. I came to the conclusion that I could live without being married but not without children. Which is basically where we landed! 15 years together, a mortgage, one child and one on the way but not married.

I guess I would say I’m at peace with it. I would still get married tomorrow if he wanted - but I also know that isn’t going to happen and I don’t think about it anymore. I know for lots of people it would be a deal breaker but I truly believe I wouldn’t have found someone else I liked as much as I like him 😂 - I read so many posts on here about husbands who sound awful an honestly my biggest complaint about him
would be that he snores.

Elanol · 09/04/2026 09:35

I've been the other one in this situation.

I was badgered into getting engaged. The pressure was always there. It was the elephant in the room. It was the ring on my finger that meant nothing. The wedding didn't happen because I didn't want to marry him.

Sadly, for whatever reason he either doesn't want to get married again or he doesn't want to marry OP.

Edited to say -

People can be in mid/long term relationships with partners they don't want to marry or make a further commitment to. It sounds counterintuitive but it suits some people. It only works if you're both on the same page though.

GreenChameleon · 09/04/2026 12:16

ForCosyLion · 09/04/2026 02:32

I had a long and horrible marriage. It changed my entire thinking about love, marriage, and commitment. My parents also had a horrible marriage, and I thought it couldn't happen to me.

I never, ever want to marry or cohabit again. I would date and be monogamous, but I grew up with an angry atmosphere and then my marital home was the same. At post-50, my health can't take any more relationship ups and downs or volatile atmospheres. And then you've got the people who think everything's great and then find out that their partner is an expert cheat. I want peace and my home to be my sanctuary. Anyone jonesing for marriage or cohabitation would simply not be the right person for me.

Sometimes I think the maritally-burned and the never-married are just too different to understand each other. My ideal partner is also someone who has also seen the truly horrible underbelly of what marriage can be and wants no part of that ever again.

I wish I'd paid more attention to stats. Almost half of all first marriages fail. Then you've got the tranche who are unhappy but stay put. So how many marriages are truly happy longterm? Generously, 30 percent. Probably more like 20 percent. Then marriage is a technology that fails at least 70 percent of the time. I don't know why I was so sure that I'd be in the 20-30 percent rather than the 70-80 percent.

And a bad, failed marriage isn't like other setbacks. It can take you to some very dark places and be extremely challenging to recover from. You feel feelings you can't unfeel and realise things you can't unrealise. You are a different person afterwards, forever.

Iris Murdoch once said that the bereaved cannot communicate with the unbereaved. I think that the divorced cannot communicate with the undivorced.

Edited

This is a very profound and accurate post! Thank you

pomers · 09/04/2026 12:26

Reframe this, he doesn’t want to marry you. Walk away

Babyboomtastic · 09/04/2026 15:25

bellhooks22 · 09/04/2026 07:46

@Babyboomtastic that's odd, what about what I've said suggests that? Neither of us want children.

Sorry, I realise now I misread this post:

"No, neither of us have any children. He has said that if it was a condition of staying together then he would do it, but I don't think that's a healthy basis for getting married. I think you should both want to and I have to accept that he doesn't."

I can see now that you meant getting married, not talking about kids. Got the wrong end of the stick. Probably a mistake I made because it was 00.40 and I was still up with my own insomniac kids! Given that, you've probably made the right choice 😜.

Newgirls · 09/04/2026 15:30

why is his preference more important than yours?

I understand why you feel sad about this. I get why marriage didn’t work out for him before but that was the person rather than the institution of marriage itself

SomeTameGazelles · 09/04/2026 15:36

bellhooks22 · 08/04/2026 18:08

No, neither of us have any children. He has said that if it was a condition of staying together then he would do it, but I don't think that's a healthy basis for getting married. I think you should both want to and I have to accept that he doesn't.

Well. I didn’t in the least want to marry DH. I adored him and was committed to him for many years, but I didn’t want to get married. In the end, it clearly mattered so much to him that I said yes, but stipulated a no-frills wedding with two witnesses. He agreed. I wouldn’t have done some kind of extravaganza that washed my time and money. It’s made precisely zero difference to our relationship, which was always committed and happy. Within a couple of weeks I’d almost forgotten we’d ever done it, but it made DH happy, so win win, I suppose.

BaguetteLady · 09/04/2026 15:44

I'm friends with a couple, both previously married, who have lived together for 22 years. She wanted to get married, he didn't. After a while she insisted on a civil partnership, which he accepted. I think what's important there is that they compromised - she wanted a marriage, he didn't, but they compromised on the civil partnership. Neither one is living with a deal-breaker.

whiteroseredrose · 09/04/2026 16:09

Why do his wishes trump yours?

Thistleton · 09/04/2026 16:27

BaguetteLady · 09/04/2026 15:44

I'm friends with a couple, both previously married, who have lived together for 22 years. She wanted to get married, he didn't. After a while she insisted on a civil partnership, which he accepted. I think what's important there is that they compromised - she wanted a marriage, he didn't, but they compromised on the civil partnership. Neither one is living with a deal-breaker.

This sounds sensible

Jj987 · 09/04/2026 18:06

My partner is perfect too but isn't bothered about getting married, I would marry him tomorrow given the chance. 16 years together and it still upsets me.

birdskirt · 09/04/2026 18:11

I have a theory that if you want a man to marry you you it's best to get it done in the first two years or so or at least have a commitment at that stage via engagement or a date booked. In those first two years he is still in the loved up romantic phase after that even if he loves you dearly he's just not that fussed about getting married. Its expensive, a hassle and so on and some might even think about the extra potential risk it brings them. Once they start dragging their feet you probably need to issue and ultimatum although that is at your own risk of course.

lemonraspberry · 09/04/2026 18:18

If there are no children involved I would suggest what is it about been married that is so important to you. At the end of the day it is a legally binding contract between two people- the wedding part is just the PR side of things.

can you manage without it? Would a civil partnership work instead to cover the legal aspects? See what alternatives could be agreed. Him buying you a ‘non wedding’ ring sounds reasonable.

rockinrobins · 09/04/2026 18:25

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/04/2026 17:59

If he cared enough he would marry you. Don’t settle for this and show him the meaning of the loss of you.

Some people don't want marriage and that's OK. It's not about caring or not caring.

You could equally say that if OP "cared enough" about him then she would accept not being married.

IggyPopsPlasticTrousers · 09/04/2026 18:56

The problem with this - is there’s no real compromise. If you want it and he doesn’t, only one of you can get your way.

A friend of my Dh didn’t want to marry his gf even though she really wanted it. His solution? To refuse to talk about it. In his mind, that meant nobody won. But clearly he did.

ultimately, it’s down to which of you feels most strongly about it.

10namechangeslater · 09/04/2026 21:36

Enrichetta · 08/04/2026 17:40

Do yourself a favour and walk away. If you don’t, this will eat away inside you for evermore. It will erode your self esteem and in time your relationship will wither.

This OP. It’s really important to you and he should want to make you happy. Instead it’s a relationship on his terms.

PiglingBlandings · 09/04/2026 22:03

What FourCosyLion said - especially this bit
Sometimes I think the maritally-burned and the never-married are just too different to understand each other. My ideal partner is also someone who has also seen the truly horrible underbelly of what marriage can be and wants no part of that ever again.

I am quite happily married and wanted to be married very much and he proposed. Our life is nice with the usual ups and downs but I romanticised it in my head. Should I be widowed or divorced, I will never marry again, never. I say this sometimes to unmarried friends who are hoping to be married and they can’t understand it. But other perfectly happily married friends of both sexes, quite understand and often feel the same.

tuiblue · 09/04/2026 22:16

OP I'm grappling with this issue too. My partner and I are in our early 50s - he's been married before, I haven't. I want to get married for all the sorts of reasons you described. Money doesn't come into it as we are financially secure in our own right and were we to get married , we'd protect our kids' claim to their inheritance.
He says he doesn't see the need to get married as it won't change anything about his wanting to share our lives for the rest of our lives. Some days I'm fine with this, life's good, but part of me feels it as a rejection and I start to feel a lot of sadness about it. Then I tell myself I'm being a bit silly.

A previous poster said about how someone who's never been married can never understand the point of view of someone who's experienced a traumatic marriage and divorce and therefore doesn't want to do it again. But to offer another viewpoint ....I was in a relationship for 20 years that became very angry and volatile, communication was terrible. We weren't ever married but we had children and the separation was difficult. What's so different about that than if we had been married, emotionally speaking? It was the toughest thing I've ever experienced.
I had a lot of time on my own after that ....and now I'm in a relationship that is poles apart, healthy, it's a friendship, with someone I fancy the pants off, and I trust.. I actively want to be this mans wife, not his girlfriend or his partner, but I don't want him to agree to it just to make me happy, so .... it's tricky. I don't have any suggestions yet about coming to terms with it, but I'm looking forward to he and I talking about it soon (he's agreed to that) so I can listen to why he doesn't want to get married - (he says he didn't really want to the first time either but went along with it).

Loubelou71 · 09/04/2026 22:22

I think it's about knowing they love you enough to marry you. I've been married and it wasn't what it was cracked up to be but it's that idea that someone loves you enough to show everyone.