Coming to terms with never getting married

[bellhooks22]

I've been with my partner for 5 years. It's an amazing relationship in nearly every way. He cares about me so much, can't do enough for me, gets on really well with my friends and family. We have lots of fun together and lots of laughs and we are a great team. No kids. He was married before and it ended in sad circumstances (she had some serious mental health issues, I won't get into the details here but it was a mutual and necessary ending). I have known them both for a long time so I saw both sides.

The issue now is that I wanted to get married, and while he was keen at first he later changed his position. He says that he just can't see the point of it this time around (there were outside reasons first time around, to do with her family). While he hasn't said this I suspect there's also a desire not to repeat what was quite a traumatic marriage breakdown. We've talked a lot about it and he hasn't ruled it out but just really isn't keen now.

I accept that he may never want to marry me, so the point of this thread is to understand whether anyone else has been on this position and how they got over it. I'm heartbroken as would have loved the feeling of being married, celebrating with all of our friends, everyone knowing the commitment that we are making to each other. I suggested compromising with a ring but he wasn't keen on that (I guess because everyone would be asking when we were actually getting married). I feel like I'll need to grieve this loss but I don't want to leave him as I don't think I'll find anyone nearly as wonderful. Does it get any easier?

it’s perfectly possible to marry privately and with no display of commitment in front of others, though. I mean, we did it with two witnesses fourteen years ago and a few months ago, an old friend who’s known us for years said ‘What, you’re MARRIED??’

Yes but you know he loved you enough to do that. I don't think it matters how many guests it's that he loved you enough to make the commitment. Sounds lovely your way though.

We were together for 13 years before we got married. It began to be important to me after about eight years. We got engaged but he wouldn't commit to a wedding. He said he didn't want to because he would be embarrassed saying he loved me in front of his dad. Anyway, it was important to me because I wanted to start a family and wanted to be married. So I gave him an ultimatum - marriage, or I leave. Thankfully he agreed, on condition that I made all the arrangements. We had a low-key wedding three months later and had a brilliant day. We'll be celebrating our 33rd anniversary soon!
So I would recommend giving him a talking to about why it's important to you.

What if he said he'd marry you but not in front of family and friends?

I know a couple who are not married because she wants a big wedding and he sees that as wanting a wedding more than a marriage. He's right too

I never wanted to get married and I did it because it was important to my now husband , relationships are about giving and taking and he is not giving much . Personally o think if he truly loved you he would marry you .

I’m sorry, OP. I’m guessing it’s hurtful and disappointing.

It’s obviously for you to decide whether it’s a deal-breaker or not.

From my point of view I’m thinking about things like you being his next-of-kin if he’s in hospital. You inheriting his estate without having to pay inheritance tax. You being paid a widow’s pension.

The one-day party that is a wedding is just one day in your life. You could have an amazing housewarming party and invite everyone who’s special to you?

This sounds like sunk cost fallacy. He hasn't gotten over his trauma with his ex and is projecting it onto your relationship with him. The idea that there's no better guy than him for you is just you talking yourself out of leaving him.

If a man doesn't want to commit fully to you, he isn't all that great as you described. Marriage isn't just a piece of paper as some argues. It's a legal commitment, in officially realising each other as family. You can go to family events without being branded as a girlfriend in your 50s. You can be involved in making family decisions and medical decisions.

Walk away if you still can if this man is never going to fully commit. If you don't want kids anyway you don't have any time pressure in finding the right man for you.

Isn't a civil partnership exactly the same as a marriage though?

The main reason me and my DH got married is due to protections around kids, money and medical treatment. Kids aren’t in the picture for you but he needs to show commitment to you by doing some serious financial planning and getting things in place so you can act for him if he loses capacity etc. If you’re not married most hospitals don’t give you any authority.

I have to say, I don't quite understand this. It's one thing if you've had a long and horrible marriage, like mine. But if you're happily married, I don't get why you'd be so against doing it again?

Also, if lots of happily married people would never do it again, it doesn't say much for marriage, does it???

I always say that you have to be married in order to know the full horror of it. 🤣 It's not something you can experience second-hand.

If you're committed to the extent that you're thinking about medical treatment, inheritance, etc. then marriage makes a lot of sense. I'll never marry again but then, I'm not interested in commitment, either. My niblings are going to inherit everything if I outlive my sister, and they'll probably make medical decisions in that case, too. It's odd to be committed in every way except marriage, imo. I don't want marriage, but then, I don't want commitment, either.

I can see that it would be very upsetting for people to be deeply committed to someone yet not married. There's a mismatch between those two things.

OP, you said that you have this amazing relationship and that you would like to buy a house together. So are you not living together now? I ask because it's much easier to have an amazing relationship when you don't live together or have any tangible ties like a house. Personally, I think relationships are all downhill the more committed you get. Once you do house, marriage, join each other's families, there is SOOOOO much more to argue about. And the families often react weirdly. Because when you marry, you make people into in-laws. They're cast into the role of sibling-in-law/parent-in-law whether they like it or not, and believe me, some people come over very strange. They feel like you're taking their family member away, and they can display quite a bit of social aggression towards you. And men almost never stand up for their wives against their own family, which is a huge source of tension in many marriages. They relax a lot more once they've "got you," and not in a good way.

Then, you can find out that you want to be insured up to the eyeballs for peace of mind, while he doesn't believe in insurance. Just an example of things to argue about.

Then there are the different ways you might live, and the opportunities for conflict there are endless.

Marriage is not the romantic notion that you think, it really isn't. Not for nothing do many previously-married folk think that the ideal is a monogamous relationship where you stay together a few nights a week but maintain separate living spaces.

Still, I'm probably talking to a brick wall. You'll never know the full horror of marriage until you do it.

We've been living together a couple of years now and it's gone really well.

I don't think it's that he doesn't love me enough. All his everyday actions show that he does really love me. He is constantly putting me first and thinking of me, and it's clear that he really cares about me and wants to make my life better in every way (just not this way). He makes such a big effort with my friends and family.

He would marry me if I said it had to be that way i.e. if it were more of an ultimatum - but getting married on the basis of an ultimatum doesn't seem great to either of us even though I see that PP have done that.

But all this is is just a performance of marriage. You actually have everything a marriage is already. Is it really worth throwing away the actual relationship and companionship because the performance of marriage is more important that the actual bones of your relationship? I say this as someone who has been happily married for over 20 years. Yes it’s nice to reflect on the wedding day but what actually matters is your relationship your wedding day and anniversaries don’t carry you through day to day

I say this, happily married for over 20 years. I wouldn’t bother getting married nowadays just because (aside from the legal practicalities) it offers nothing you can’t get from a committed relationship.

Wow. What a selfish attitude. It's obvious you care more about a pointless ceremony than him.

Because you do not have children and are past the age when you can have them then I think that’s fine. The only issue is inheritance tax if over the threshold it would be good for when one of you dies or if you do have someone you both want to leave assets to.

@ForCosyLion I would not bother to marry again because I am past the age of having children now plus no one will ever compare to my DH.

Just read all the MN threads about mental load and husbands not pulling their weight. Frequently realationships going south a couple of years after the commitment. Plenty of threads about how awful men are.

There's a reason fairy tales end at the point they get married.

Enjoy life and be grateful you both dodged a bullet.

He’s changed his mind and has now decided that he cannot see the point of it this time around according to your initial post. His decision of course affects you more than he and he still has the majority of both power and control in your relationship. Don’t just roll over and blithely accept his pronouncement, tell him how upset you are and how you feel.

The man’s happy enough for you to live with him however. I would still show him what losing you would be like as this may well sharpen his mind some more.
I would also remind him that you are not his ex.

Are mirror wills in place?. Are you named as a beneficiary on his pension?. You need to protect yourself as much as possible here because legally your rights in law are few. If he died today the law will see you as two separate individuals unrelated to each other and will treat you as such. You could well become reliant on his parents good will towards you as well as grieving for him.

Wanted to add my personal experience. Have been with partner since 2004 - we are now late 50s. He proposed in 2006/7 and I accepted (he was divorced with no kids and we have know each other since university). I had said I liked the idea of getting married and forging a life together. We never got round to getting married but bought a house together and had two kids. I completely went off the idea of marriage. About 3 years ago we decided we better get married for inheritance tax reasons. Still couldn’t be bothered to do it. Last year he re-proposed and we decided to do it for having a big party reasons. So over the decades we have both veered in and out of wanting to be married but mostly just cba.

I would have a very small simple wedding for inheritance tax/legal purposes ... you're vulnerable unmarried.