Coming to terms with never getting married

[bellhooks22]

I've been with my partner for 5 years. It's an amazing relationship in nearly every way. He cares about me so much, can't do enough for me, gets on really well with my friends and family. We have lots of fun together and lots of laughs and we are a great team. No kids. He was married before and it ended in sad circumstances (she had some serious mental health issues, I won't get into the details here but it was a mutual and necessary ending). I have known them both for a long time so I saw both sides.

The issue now is that I wanted to get married, and while he was keen at first he later changed his position. He says that he just can't see the point of it this time around (there were outside reasons first time around, to do with her family). While he hasn't said this I suspect there's also a desire not to repeat what was quite a traumatic marriage breakdown. We've talked a lot about it and he hasn't ruled it out but just really isn't keen now.

I accept that he may never want to marry me, so the point of this thread is to understand whether anyone else has been on this position and how they got over it. I'm heartbroken as would have loved the feeling of being married, celebrating with all of our friends, everyone knowing the commitment that we are making to each other. I suggested compromising with a ring but he wasn't keen on that (I guess because everyone would be asking when we were actually getting married). I feel like I'll need to grieve this loss but I don't want to leave him as I don't think I'll find anyone nearly as wonderful. Does it get any easier?

The reasons you list are why I wanted to get married - I think it means something to be committed in front of the people you love - and to celebrate your own love!

The problem when someone refuses to get married is they are holding the cards - he is ultimately disgregarding how you feel in a big issue. Would he have counselling with you?

I would ask him why he has changed his mind given that he was initially in favour of marrying again. He owes you a proper explanation rather than some fudged one.

I am sorry that his previous marriage ended but his ex is not you.

If you were living together as a couple the law will treat you as two separate individuals as you are unmarried. Your rights in law and limited and cohabitation splits can be very messy indeed .

Is he prepared to make a will naming you as the benefactor or the beneficiary of his pension?.

Just another take from the other side..

DP and I have been together for 5 years too, we’re also in our 40’s, no dependent children at home (I do have a DS 21). We’re both as sure as we can be that we’ve found our DP for life. He would prefer to be married, I don’t really feel the need to. It’s not my priority, but if it became really important to him I absolutely would. Not simply for the sake of it, but because I’d do it for us, and that’s the key thing, it’s not just for him, it would be for both of us, to keep our relationship alive.

I wouldn’t be shocked if you eventually split and he then married his new partner.

I’m about same age. Long term partner but not living together. I’d like to get married at some point, but not yet…or anytime soon. If my partner asked me now I’d say no.

That’s because I have just come out of a traumatic divorce. The thought of doing it again makes me feel sick- even though I’m 100 % committed to my partner.

there is also little financial incentive as we both want our own kids to inherit what we have.

im usually the first to say cut your losses, but this doesn’t sound like a young guy dragging his heels to commit because he isn’t that into you. It sounds like someone with similar misgivings to me.

I also feel a bit like ‘what’s the point?’ while still secretly hoping that one day I’ll want to yes. And it’s nothing to do with DP- if we split up, I’d happily be alone.

@TigTails why, what on earth are you basing that on? Just seems a bit mean and unnecessary to be honest!

Thanks @Walker1178 and @ADHDandtakeaway , useful to hear perspectives from the other point of view

a 1 day celebration isn't a marriage, that's a wedding - it's quite possible to be married without a bells and whistles celebration

it's a difficult one OP because everyone here can give you rational reasons why it shouldn't matter - ages, financial independence, no children - but it matters to you and it's your life not ours

If you’re financially independent, no kids, and the relationship is strong, for me, personally, this is a compromise I’d be prepared to make. It sounds like being legally tied to someone with issues previously and the trauma of divorce are holding him back. I think the fact he’s said he would do it rather than lose you, would mean a lot, although I wouldn’t give ultimatums.

I think comparing this to younger commitment phones who want kids but refuse to get married, leaving a female partner potentially vulnerable, is misleading. There is no legal need for marriage in your case, it’s just an understandable want. I think I’d see it as the compromise I had to make for a great relationship as every relationship comes with compromises. I’m guessing he started off all bright eyed and bushy tailed about his first marriage then watched it painfully fall apart. Trauma can take a long time to get over and at the moment marriage may just carry bad connotations. Given time this could change but for now I’d lean into enjoying what you have (many never find that kind of relationship.)

But op is not his ex. Many people do remarry and take the chance that this time iI will work out.

There is a fundamental disconnect here:
OP wants marriage and whilst he was initially keen he has now changed his mind. That is his right but it’s a decision not without consequence to her or he for that matter. Someone is going to have to compromise and that could lead to resentment. And cohabitation splits whilst three is no legal process of divorce can be very messy. I’ve seen couples argue over who gets to keep the animals they’re both attached to.

I have also seen the scenario played out where the man does not want marriage to his current partner and subsequently gets married to his next gf.

I was thinking about this topic today.

I'm more sympathetic to men like him because they have actually been married, and so have more of a reason to be reluctant.

However, he's the revealing part for me.

When men say it's just a piece of paper (manipulative bullshit), or there's no point (in your case), they are deciding what should be important for you or what you should have based on what isn't important for them (apparently).

It pisses me off when they say things like 'it's pointless' because nowwhere in that sentence is there any room to consider how you feel. What you feel or think about it, what you would benefit from it is of zero relevance, apparently. It's all about them. If he really cared about what you thought, if he was eager to please you, he would have at least had a conversation with you about it to see what you feel, but he hasn't. He's just decided 'it's pointless', and that should be enough for you and something you settle for.

I'm sorry, but despite how well you think you get on with him, this isn't really the approach of a man who is really keen on impressing the woman he's with, or who is really invested in making her happy. It's the behaviour of a man who has been with his partner for a few years and is quite confident that he won't lose her, so he went from keen to being against the idea.

I think there are many men out there who are quite happy to coast along with a woman for years, as long as some of his basic needs are met, like sex, but when it comes to marriage, that's when you know how they really feel.

I think its weird that he wont buy you a ring. Is he stingy and a 50/50, go Dutch, kind of man?

If so, there's your answer, he doesnt want to pay out in the event of a divorce

I wouldn't give up my wanting marriage - for a man - sorry x

@bellhooks22 I wanted to get married, and while he was keen at first he later changed his position.

Not sure at what point he changed his mind, but that would concern me as well. Did he conceal his feelings about re-marriage in order to secure the relationship with you? If so, that was manipulative and duplicitous, so one aspect of getting over it would be to realise that it would not actually be a good idea to tie yourself to him legally and financially. A good marriage is a partnership based on trust, as well as having fun and laughs together.

I get the feeling getting what you said that you've compromised on not having kids, as well as not getting married 😢.

I've been with my partner for 5 years. It's an amazing relationship in nearly every way. He cares about me so much, can't do enough for me, gets on really well with my friends and family. We have lots of fun together and lots of laughs and we are a great team. No kids.

Sounds fab to me. Better than a lot of marriages you read about on here.

Enjoy what you have, spend the money wasted on the wedding - you're together anyway - on an amazing holiday, or a celebration of your relationship with your family.

I think that’s a good enough reason

Before my marriage ended I'd have agreed with this poster.

Post my marriage ending and huge trauma, I would NEVER marry again no matter what.

So now I'm with your DP.

Also, marriage is not the protection people on here seem to think it is - or hasn't been for me.

Neither of you are wrong, you need to decide if you believe his reasons and if it's a deal breaker for you.

What’s more important to you - him or a celebration/party on 1 day?

@Tacohill - you are referring to a wedding rather than marriage!

Getting married is a lifetime commitment - to stay together and share everything, until death. Very different from cohabiting.

There can be practical reasons why a mutually committed couple choose not to get married, for instance to protect the inheritance rights of children, but this doesn’t apply to the OP’s situation.

I had a long and horrible marriage. It changed my entire thinking about love, marriage, and commitment. My parents also had a horrible marriage, and I thought it couldn't happen to me.

I never, ever want to marry or cohabit again. I would date and be monogamous, but I grew up with an angry atmosphere and then my marital home was the same. At post-50, my health can't take any more relationship ups and downs or volatile atmospheres. And then you've got the people who think everything's great and then find out that their partner is an expert cheat. I want peace and my home to be my sanctuary. Anyone jonesing for marriage or cohabitation would simply not be the right person for me.

Sometimes I think the maritally-burned and the never-married are just too different to understand each other. My ideal partner is also someone who has also seen the truly horrible underbelly of what marriage can be and wants no part of that ever again.

I wish I'd paid more attention to stats. Almost half of all first marriages fail. Then you've got the tranche who are unhappy but stay put. So how many marriages are truly happy longterm? Generously, 30 percent. Probably more like 20 percent. Then marriage is a technology that fails at least 70 percent of the time. I don't know why I was so sure that I'd be in the 20-30 percent rather than the 70-80 percent.

And a bad, failed marriage isn't like other setbacks. It can take you to some very dark places and be extremely challenging to recover from. You feel feelings you can't unfeel and realise things you can't unrealise. You are a different person afterwards, forever.

Iris Murdoch once said that the bereaved cannot communicate with the unbereaved. I think that the divorced cannot communicate with the undivorced.

If it means that much to you then maybe you need to leave and find someone else.

Me, I would far rather be in a committed relationship - which doesn't have to mean marriage - than hankering after something which really doesn't matter, although obviously it does to you. It sounds as though you have a good man, why not be content with that.

Well, considering the number of divorces it really isn't a lifelong commitment to stay together and share everything until death is it?

Well it is, at the time of getting married. Call it triumph of hope over possible outcome, but not many people who get married plan to get divorced at some point in the future…

Of course they don't but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen at some time in the future, which rather makes a mockery of the "til death us do part".

I’ve been with my partner almost 15 years. He asked me what order I wanted to do the major things in - house, marriage, kids. We agreed a house took priority over spending £1000’s on a one-day event in terms of a wedding though we did get engaged. We also decided to try for children early in case there were any problems. We conceived straight away. The house was a doer-upper and lots of life events and traumas later we are still not married bc my partner can never justify the expense. I have mixed feelings. I know that I am financially secure bc we have been through life policies and pensions etc, but I also know that weddings don’t have to cost tens of thousands of pounds. The truth is, I know he’s not bothered about marriage, or it would have happened by now, and as the years have gone by I’m no longer at all excited by the prospect. I never wanted the big white wedding, but I did want to have one. Now it seems a bit silly at our age and a waste of cash which could go towards family expenses and the house. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t massively resentful about it in the past, and sometimes that can resurface, but other than for financial reasons I can’t really see the point now.

From your op it sounds to me like you are more bothered about having a wedding day than a marriage. For the sake of one day, i wouldn’t give up a good relationship tbh.

He is allowed to need more time. You have been together 5 years. I got married after 4 years so not much different.

If you split up with him because of the marriage thing, another possible outcome is that you don’t find anyone else or if you do, they may not want to marry either.

My mum got with her partner in her 40s and they have been together for over 20 years but never married. Being married once does genuinely put some people off.