Husband went on holiday alone after row and hid contact with ex

[EmuFace]

Good afternoon,

I am a long-time Mumsnetter. I remember Cod, Enid, CountessDracula, just saying for… I don’t know why I’m saying it? Credentials I suppose.

Husband went on holiday without me last week. We were due to go to Northumberland last Tuesday. We agreed departure time of 7am. Long journey. He went off to sit in the car in a strop at 6:30am. He said he shouted that to me. I didn’t hear what he said. I then realised he was sitting in the car and not around to help me down from our second floor flat with my stuff. That boiled my piss. In short order, I phoned him and said, if you’re going to be like that, go without me. He came up, shouted and swore at me and then left.

That’s not even the bit that has fucked me off! I then checked his iPad. Don’t know why. A feeling. He met up with an ex at a retirement do (both former police officers) in early March. I have felt she’s the one that got away, they were together around 2005 time, long before we met. Since then they have been in regular Messenger contact. Lots of reminiscing, shared jokes. She has a radio show and he has been requesting songs and clearly has been listening to it. I asked him the day after if she was at the do. He said no - they have been avidly messaging since then.

I have gone stratospheric. He says I’m controlling.

I don’t have many people to talk to in real life and anyway, this is so embarrassing!

What do I do?

Why was he in a strop at 6.30? Did you miss communicate because that’s easily sorted out with a conversation.

‘I have gone stratospheric‘. What does this mean… more shouting?

is he not allowed to chat to his ex?

why don’t you have people to talk to in real life? Why is it embarassing to talk about your relationship? Is it because you overreact to things? Your whole post I guess doesn’t tell the whole story and there must be some bad blood in your relationship beyond this?

what does you do? Sit down calmly and chat about your feelings and behaviour with him?

You may or may not be controlling, but he is 100% a liar.

He was in a strop because he later said we agreed to leave at 6:30am. We hadn’t.

I don’t think it’s particularly odd to go stratospheric if your husband goes on holiday without you?

Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of. What do you think he is lying about, out of interest?

But going stratospheric isn’t an actual thing. What did you actually do?

I’ve threatened to leave without my DH numerous times but would never have the guts to follow through with it! In ways you have to admire his commitment- to actually drive all that way without you and not back down. I think most people would drive for a bit, feel guilty and turn back.

The issue with the ex… I don’t know, you say they have always maintained contact and split 20 years ago so I doubt anything will happen if it hasn’t already.

Well, I told him I’d seen the messages. He can absolutely message who he likes but can not lie about them, text late at night when he’s been drinking, or say he much he enjoyed he “loved every minute” of their chat at the retirement do.

Why did him going and sitting in the car 'boil your piss'? Hideous phrase.

You both sound very volatile. You calling him straight off the bat with "if you're going to be like that", going 'stratospheric' etc.

Why do you think she was the one that got away?

Well, quite!

They had not been in touch from 2005-2024. Then became FB friends, a couple of odd messages, no big deal. Then it heightened after the actual meet a month ago.

Well, you did tell him to go? It doesn’t sound like a great relationship. I would enjoy the peace without him. Just let him go. But whether the marriage ends or carries on, hang on to the realisation that you need to exist as an independent woman , the main character in your own life. Start building the foundations for that now. Ask yourself what you like and what you want from life, and then work out the small first steps to achieving those things. I wouldn’t be angry he went without you, but I would be unhappy that he’s concealing contact with his ex. You could ask him about that, or choose to keep your powder dry for the time being. Or you could fall into another furious row before the last one is even resolved. Surprise him!

It does sound like communication between you is bad with a lot of anger, shouting and aggression on both sides:

"Husband went on holiday without me last week. We were due to go to Northumberland last Tuesday. We agreed departure time of 7am. Long journey. He went off to sit in the car in a strop at 6:30am. He said he shouted that to me. I didn’t hear what he said. I then realised he was sitting in the car and not around to help me down from our second floor flat with my stuff. That boiled my piss. In short order, I phoned him and said, if you’re going to be like that, go without me. He came up, shouted and swore at me and then left."

But yes, I agree that going on holiday without you absolutely is a nail in the coffin of your relationship. It sounds to me like it may be over particularly if he is busily communicating with an ex.

I wonder if he planned to go without you all along, so that he could meet up with her? That's probably just my imagination, though, although it's not unheard of for men (and women) to engineer an argument in order to do a pre-arranged disappearing act.
I wouldn't like my DH chatting so friendly and flirty with an ex, either, so I guess I must be controlling, too.

I don’t disagree with the volatile actually. On a Monday evening, the night before we left, we were carrying multiple bags from the car. No lift. I trod on the bottom of my coat and fell. Just managed to save myself from going down a flight of stairs. So yes, him not being around to help boiled my piss!

You told him to go without you though?

You didn’t go ‘stratospheric’ because of that, you went stratospheric with the ex discovery.

This is all a bit muddled.

I did. I didn’t think he would!

But no, as you correctly say, what has really upset me is the ex discovery. I feel very betrayed by that. He says it’s just chatting with an ex and catching up. I am a bit dubious.

Didn't you say he met up with his ex at a retirement do, but told you she wasn't there?

Yes. Sorry, I thought you might have meant there was a bigger picture to the lying that I hadn’t even cottoned on to yet! Sleep deprived!

@EmuFace - were you really more bothered by him being in touch with his ex than him going on holiday without you? I would find the latter devastating. DH and I can get a bit irritable and fractious with each other at times, particularly with an early morning start that's a bit rushed and demanding but if one of us actually went on holiday without the other, I would see that as a sign that our relationship was over. Or is this the kind of drama that often happens in your relationship?

Yes, that was the part that bothered me more. I could have caught a train or driven up myself. This just feels
deceitful. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve even processed the holiday part yet.

What do you mean by “stratospheric”?

don’t use phrases like “boils my piss” that’s so crass. I would be angry if my husband went on holiday without me and got into deep conversations with some former flame yes. But I wouldn’t tolerate it, I would leave

If I want to use phrases like boil my piss, I will. Thanking you.

And he will be the one to leave, not me. As it’s my place. But a marriage is not something to be easily discarded, is it. It’s very sad.

Did he stay away the whole week on his own, or did you join him?

It is if he’s lying about another woman. And finding excuses to go off without you.