Husband went on holiday alone after row and hid contact with ex

[EmuFace]

Good afternoon,

I am a long-time Mumsnetter. I remember Cod, Enid, CountessDracula, just saying for… I don’t know why I’m saying it? Credentials I suppose.

Husband went on holiday without me last week. We were due to go to Northumberland last Tuesday. We agreed departure time of 7am. Long journey. He went off to sit in the car in a strop at 6:30am. He said he shouted that to me. I didn’t hear what he said. I then realised he was sitting in the car and not around to help me down from our second floor flat with my stuff. That boiled my piss. In short order, I phoned him and said, if you’re going to be like that, go without me. He came up, shouted and swore at me and then left.

That’s not even the bit that has fucked me off! I then checked his iPad. Don’t know why. A feeling. He met up with an ex at a retirement do (both former police officers) in early March. I have felt she’s the one that got away, they were together around 2005 time, long before we met. Since then they have been in regular Messenger contact. Lots of reminiscing, shared jokes. She has a radio show and he has been requesting songs and clearly has been listening to it. I asked him the day after if she was at the do. He said no - they have been avidly messaging since then.

I have gone stratospheric. He says I’m controlling.

I don’t have many people to talk to in real life and anyway, this is so embarrassing!

What do I do?

Sounds to me like he's trying to make you appear unreasonable to justify him falling into another's arms
story as old as time.

Stop. Telling. Women. What. They. Can. Say.

Sorry, I've had a shocking few days. He has moved out most of his belongings. Said him going on holiday without me is "regrettable". He is sorry I am upset about messaging the ex, says she wasn't a threat to me. I am still reeling, but it is over.

It has been a challenging marriage for many reasons. When it's good, it's very good, but there have been some real lows. However, this is the final nail in the coffin, as someone said upthread.

Thank you.

I think I love you, Anyahyacinth. Thank you!

Regrettable? He's not a politician, is he by any chance?
Hang on in there EmuFace, you'll get through this.

Sorry to hear that your problems are continuing, but I stand by my opinion that he was working his way towards the ex anyway. I don't think anything you did /said would have made a difference, if that helps. It's not you, you're not the problem.

Yes, I think you could be right, even though he vehemently denies it. I feel sick and finding it hard to put one foot in front of the other, but this does help, thank you.

Yes. This. It's not you.

I am sorry you are going through this rough time @EmuFacebut you are worth more than him.
He is absolutely gaslighting you about the ex, by mere virtue of the messaging. What a twat

I wish I had real power to unwind time and make him shape up. You don't deserve this. I can't bear the bullies who appear when someone posts something true and vulnerable.

I know you'll be hurting.
I found booking a series of massages with the Clarins ladies (when they were in Debenhams) was really healing..each gorgeous therapist had a heart break story that showed I wasn't alone..true solidarity. I hope you can lean on people to get through. I absolutely flourished after losing the emotional misery of a grumpy male. You will too 🌄♥️

Wow - sorry to hear that, @EmuFace. It may ultimately be for the best but that doesn’t mean it’s not horribly difficult and painful to go through. Thinking of you.

I'm sorry m8

My DP went on holiday without me a few years ago now……plus met up with my parents for lunch out. that’s the bit that still gets to me all these years later. I had to tell my parents, as we’d arranged to see them, so I had to explain I wasn’t there so they met up to offer him some support and to check he was ok. It was a holiday I had saved up for and booked, which he enjoyed without me.

we’ve been struggling with our relationship ever since tbh as the lack of support and communication is hard. It’s taken it’s toll on me in the last year.

sorry about your DH OP.

@OneNewEagle that’s rubbish. I’m sorry. And I’m not surprised it still rankles that he met up with your parents! I hope you sort things out xx

The biggest problem is the content of his messages to ex. They are disrespecting your relationship.

But alongside this it sounds like you no longer have a very cooperative relationship. You’re sick of each other’s flaws. And don’t bring out the best in each other. Maybe a degree of problematic ‘co-dependency’ there too? eg Blaming each other when things go wrong; not taking a reasonable share of responsibility, over-reactive, sense of entitlement. It’s really hard to tell from a few snippets.

All I’d say is that before you get into another long term relationship (with your husband or someone else) you might benefit from looking into ‘co dependency’. I know I did after my marriage broke down. On reflection i realised my parents have a loving but highly co-dependant relationship. And I fell into a similar pattern. I should never have married ex- and persevered as long as we/I did. I am 11 years into my next long term relationship and it is so much calmer, so much less hardwork, and i am so much happier. The drama and fireworks come from the kids (who push people’s boundaries much too hard - but we forgive them bc they’re learning) - with my partner it is respectful & cooperative.