Husband went on holiday alone after row and hid contact with ex

[EmuFace]

Good afternoon,

I am a long-time Mumsnetter. I remember Cod, Enid, CountessDracula, just saying for… I don’t know why I’m saying it? Credentials I suppose.

Husband went on holiday without me last week. We were due to go to Northumberland last Tuesday. We agreed departure time of 7am. Long journey. He went off to sit in the car in a strop at 6:30am. He said he shouted that to me. I didn’t hear what he said. I then realised he was sitting in the car and not around to help me down from our second floor flat with my stuff. That boiled my piss. In short order, I phoned him and said, if you’re going to be like that, go without me. He came up, shouted and swore at me and then left.

That’s not even the bit that has fucked me off! I then checked his iPad. Don’t know why. A feeling. He met up with an ex at a retirement do (both former police officers) in early March. I have felt she’s the one that got away, they were together around 2005 time, long before we met. Since then they have been in regular Messenger contact. Lots of reminiscing, shared jokes. She has a radio show and he has been requesting songs and clearly has been listening to it. I asked him the day after if she was at the do. He said no - they have been avidly messaging since then.

I have gone stratospheric. He says I’m controlling.

I don’t have many people to talk to in real life and anyway, this is so embarrassing!

What do I do?

Goodness, give it a rest will you? If you’re going to behave like this, go by yourself. Meaning I didn’t want to sit in the car for 6 plus hours listening to the nonsense.

If my DH went on an actual holiday without me after engineering a row, he’d have divorce papers waiting for him on his return.

There’s a lot going on here. Why did it bother you so much that he didn’t come to help you with your things from the 2nd floor? It may not be the most chivalrous thing to do but it’s hardly the end of the world either. Plus he was already annoyed so that’s kinda normal, really. You do sound a little intense.

I think you are absolutely right about him and his ex though, I’d be beyond hurt.

What do you mean when you say it’s your house? Did you legally ring fence it before you married? Otherwise it’s a marital asset.

From what you have said I would be looking to divorce. 💐

It doesn’t sound great. It sounds very deceptive on the face of it. But more details needed really on the level, frequency and content of their communication.

Secondly - your relationship doesn’t sound great either with this level of arguing.

Thirdly – don’t say things you don’t mean and expect not to be taken at your word, even in a fight. Take a breath and don’t go there.

OP sounds more than a little moody herself.

Not to me, she sounds like a saint ...pathetic sitting in the car childishness.
Stroking his ego chatting to an ex. Taking a holiday that was for 2...staying at his Mum's.

I then realised he was sitting in the car and not around to help me down from our second floor flat with my stuff.

Are you disabled or pregnant?

I don’t under why he needed to help you carry your things?

Your reaction to him waiting in the car was way over the top!

I am shocked that he went without you but honestly it sounds like it’s for the best.

It sounds as though this relationship is done - argument before the trip, you getting angry over something minor, going without you, speaking to his ex, checking his iPad, him staying at his parents.

Although it’s sad, I think it’s time for you both to recognise that the relationship is over now and you can both carry on arguing or playing games but it’s not going to change things.

If I was you I would get in there first and tell him you are done.

Yes, I think you’re right.

If you were ready ...you wouldn't help a friend? Odd

Its not your place if you're married. Doesn't matter who's name its in. Hth.

Yeah most people would find it shocking because their husbands like them and aren't dickheads like this one.

I don’t even help my teens bring their school/college stuff downstairs.

I wait for them by the front door or sit and wait in the car, especially if we’re running late.

I wouldn’t think twice to go and bring my DHs suitcase down.
If I managed to bring my own down then he can bring his down.

I’m not sure why that is so odd. I don’t typically run around after people if they can do it themselves.

Obviously if someone is disabled or pregnant then it would be different.

Whereas if I had the capacity to help anyone I would...especially if I was bringing timescales forward 🤷‍♀️

Eh, too much crap here, me thinks.
Short life.
Would you be practically better off and happier without him?

That’s nice of you.

Who the hell are you @ohyesido to police @EmuFace - so patronising!!

Use the phrase @EmuFace its fabulously descriptive and you don’t need the approval of pearl clutchers to express yourself any way you like.

and your “D”H is an arse btw

OP, this does sound engineered to me, I'm sorry. He thinks he has a chance with the ex and is busy working towards that.
To everyone picking over sentence structure and semantics, I feel like that's a dick/hun move when someone is asking for help?

This .
Going on holiday without me , combined with meeting Ex at a do & now constant contact would be curtains for me 💯.

It was over when he went on holiday alone

Actually… it was no doubt over long before that, you’d just not quite seen it as plainly as now

This would be the easiest, cleanest, quickest break up of all time… if I was in your shoes @EmuFace

The oldest trick in the book. Argue, storm out, do whatever you want.

That's a big enough picture on its own IMO!

Perhaps there are other aspects of your relationship that you haven't told us about, but based on what you've written here, I expect this altercation is the tip of the iceberg on what sounds like a terrible relationship. Neither of you sounds particularly kind or considerate.

Hello mate. What a coincidence I clicked on this.
sorry to hear things are shit. Xx