Husband went on holiday alone after row and hid contact with ex

[EmuFace]

Good afternoon,

I am a long-time Mumsnetter. I remember Cod, Enid, CountessDracula, just saying for… I don’t know why I’m saying it? Credentials I suppose.

Husband went on holiday without me last week. We were due to go to Northumberland last Tuesday. We agreed departure time of 7am. Long journey. He went off to sit in the car in a strop at 6:30am. He said he shouted that to me. I didn’t hear what he said. I then realised he was sitting in the car and not around to help me down from our second floor flat with my stuff. That boiled my piss. In short order, I phoned him and said, if you’re going to be like that, go without me. He came up, shouted and swore at me and then left.

That’s not even the bit that has fucked me off! I then checked his iPad. Don’t know why. A feeling. He met up with an ex at a retirement do (both former police officers) in early March. I have felt she’s the one that got away, they were together around 2005 time, long before we met. Since then they have been in regular Messenger contact. Lots of reminiscing, shared jokes. She has a radio show and he has been requesting songs and clearly has been listening to it. I asked him the day after if she was at the do. He said no - they have been avidly messaging since then.

I have gone stratospheric. He says I’m controlling.

I don’t have many people to talk to in real life and anyway, this is so embarrassing!

What do I do?

No, it was four nights. I didn’t join him. Once I saw the messages, I was too upset and just felt ridiculous. Like a previous poster said, it almost felt engineered. I don’t think they met. Geographically it would make no sense. But nearly 54 years has taught me that anything is possible.

Ok ok. I’ll bear that in mind.

That's nasty and unnecessary.

@EmuFace - yes, it makes sense that you have not processed the holiday part yet. Is your husband still away? Did you join him on holiday or has he been away without you for the whole week?

Clearly it is in some kind of parallel universe! 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

As are phrases like boils my piss and telling your DH to do one and then being surprised when he does

How unpleasant

Is he still away (given that it's Wednesday). How do you plan on interacting on his return as it's a week later and probably getting increasingly more difficult if you've not spoken in that time?

What do you want to do next?

Edit: seen that he's back in the spare room

No, he has come back in his mother’s spare room about 5 miles from me. I didn’t join him, no.

My Goodness ..concrete thinking …OP said IF you are going to be like that go alone…clear to see that meant snap out of the mood and not go alone 🤦‍♀️

Maybe you feel minging and unpleasant enough to need to pussyfoot around a man in order to keep him but most of us are no longer in the business of censoring ourselves for any man's benefit.

Thank you. He came up, shouted and swore at me in the open front door with young children in the flats on either side of me and then went.

If you tell your DH to go without you, should it come as a shock when he does?

I’m wondering if you can contact him and ask if he wants to talk? I definitely wouldn’t be accepting too much blame for the ridiculous sitting in the car 30 minutes early and would want to understand why he lied and doesn’t feel completely disloyal. Is it generally worth saving OP?

So he’s staying at his mums. Is he moving there? Are you meant to get him to come back? What’s going on now?

Yep…had this…aren’t they moody? Emotion sapping vampires

You need to read the OP with some degree of accuracy…look for the word IF ..then ask what it brings to the sentence 🤦‍♀️

I would be very annoyed at the lying and subsequent messaging. Them being in touch for last 18 months isn’t so much of an issue but his behaviour afterwards definitely is.
As others have said, people often manufacture arguments to absolve them of the responsibility.
How has your marriage been other than this episode?

She told him to go without her. He did.

Pikachu shocked face?

Tbh, you both sound like you fly off the handle at the slightest thing. It must be exhausting to live like this, but you are both responsible for the poor behaviour. If you love each other, and want to stay together, maybe you'd benefit from some counselling to help you communicate better.

Thats not what happened OR what was said

Reading comprehension matters, as does a command of grammar IF introduces a conditional clause to what ever statement follows it 🤦‍♀️

Tbh not much point trying to reason with anyone who thinks Pikachu shocked face is an argument clincher.

So what did happen and why is a hypothetical use of the word if so critical?

Note the question mark on the end of the sentence, thereby not a final statement…

I think your marriage is over. Sorry OP.
The argument was possibly engineered by him deliberately - or quite possibly just happened - because he wants to get back with his ex, and thinks he has a chance since meeting her again. Is there a chance he met up with her, rather than going to the holiday?
He's now come home to his mother's spare room.
Whatever is going on, he has behaved very badly towards to you.