Is it a mistake to be with a man who earns less?

[SofiaJessica4]

Time and time again I have seen men quietly (or not so quietly) hold resentment when their wives earn more at work. Even where it's not significantly more!

This translates passive aggressive comments, small digs, the inability to fully celebrate wins, insecurity, even cheating. I've personally had this on a small scale in previous relationships; also on my observations with friends. It's never large scale or crystal clear resentment, but it seems to be there hovering in the background. Nothing you say or do seems to reassure these men or make them genuinely feel better.

I have no real issue being the breadwinner, other than it may impact my lifestyle if I have to carry my partner depending on their income. I'm still willing to do it. What I don't want to do is commit to a dynamic where I'm secretly hated, as that never works. For women like me, if we just look for men in a similar position to ourselves, emotionally, financially etc, that really limits options and cuts out potentially amazing relationships.

I know we always say, well if the guy has good self esteem it shouldn't matter. How common is that though, for a guy to be in that dynamic and genuinely be secure? I'm starting to feel like those internalised messages about what it means to be a man are so deeply embedded they're impossible to really escape.

Have you seen this dynamic where there is resentment? What about when there isn't and it does work?

I’m not sure I’m a perfect example because we’ve both had turns of been the bigger earner throughout our marriage through various promotions, moves, extra qualifications etc but I’ve certainly never felt my husband ever resented me or had any issues when I was in the higher earning position. He’s actively helped me with promotion applications, always been my biggest cheerleader and proud of me just the same as I always am with him.

It's very much up to individuals. I think it works best when one is career driven & hungry & the other is family orientated, the sexes dont matter.

My female friend is the breadwinner, probably outearns her DH X3+ has a vocatinal job that she excels at.
He is completely unambitious but a good father & very committed.
She is very independent & would never depend on anyone else for anything.

I suspect my DH would hate it but he's always been very career driven & I'm not at all - very happy to ride the wave career wise & care for my family. Although I've just gone back FT and DH has been very supportive.

Every woman I have dated or been in a relationship with I have earned more than.

Interestingly, a woman I dated a year or so ago had a very highbrow legal job and was very insistent that men were intimidated by her earnings and quite honestly, without knowing [we earned similar amounts] I generally could care less.

Last woman I dated worked in a garden centre. I genuinely couldn’t give a monkeys how much someone earns.

The irony is, quite often women won’t give men [who don’t earn as well] a chance whereas for most men in the opposite position earning isn’t even a factor.

What’s important for us [well let’s narrow that down to me] is finding someone easy to get along with, who is nice to me and who can communicate like an adult. Money doesn’t come into that at all.

I would love DW to earn more than me! Share the mortgage stress

I earn more than DH. It has never been a problem. Between us we earn enough to live the modest life we like so that’s ok.

I think it would be more of a problem if we were short of money each month and both felt pressured to earn more.

I don't think most men would particularly care. I earn more than DP but a few of my friends have wives and girlfriends who earn a significant amount more than them and while I've certainly heard them vent about aspects of their marriages, the fact they aren't the breadwinner has never been one of the issues.

No. But it is certainly a mistake to be with a man who is pathetic and sexist enough to be threatened by the idea of being with a woman who earns more than he does.

Surely it's the same as anything else when it comes to attraction: if something particularly puts you off about a partner, you don't pick out people with those circumstances or characteristics as a potential partner in the first place?

Just like the people for whom it's crucially important that their partner be taller or shorter than they are - it just saves everybody a lot of bother and disappointment if they automatically discount as a partner anybody who isn't from the outset.

Thanks all this has been positive to hear. It's depressing hearing stories of men who have quiet resentment for their wives and deep insecurities. I guess the issue is more the insecurity than anything else!!

I think many times it works ok when you are just two and problems really start when you have children. The lower earning man still expects the ‘main breadwinner’ role and expects his partner to take up the majority of home care in addition to their job. Many men just don’t seem able to cope with a home carer role. She expects to share workload and points out it’s her job that pays for the family so she can’t pick up the slack (assuming she would even want to) and the resentment starts.
It can work. My DH was an SAHP and absolutely rocked it for 12 years before going back PT when the kids got a bit older. I loved that I had no housework or mental load tasks and he was in his element and a natural child raiser. He now is enjoying a second innings as favourite grandparent and chief childcare support.

That’s my experience as well, thankfully.

I earned more than DH and it was no problem. Where is has caused an issue, is when we had dc, I nearly broke under the pressure of a high pressured job and all the childcare (he worked away all week). I ended up leaving my job, and now he is resentful at being the main earner. I do work almost full time, but no where near as much as I used to earn

He is completely unambitious but a good father & very committed.

Do you only see ambition as relating to your employment/professional career, though?

Are women who work in less all-encompassing and lower-paid jobs and/or part-time - so that they can focus more on the child-related tasks whilst their DH focuses more single-mindedly on contributing the lion's share of the household income - not ambitious? If anything, I'd say many of them are probably more ambitious with the amount of fine balancing that they willingly achieve.

I earn more then DH and its not a problem.

I think taking mumsnet as a barometer of marriage issues is the problem. People don't come on here to say my marriage is good and we're not having issues. The subset of marriages where something like this may be an issue is disspoportiantly represented.

I earn more than DH now, but he earned more previously. I think sometimes he wishes he could earn more like me, but he doesn't resent me, and we don't need more money from him.

I outearn DH and always have. He’s my biggest cheerleader. I would never have married a man who felt emasculated by my success. DMum outearned DDad and DDad was ridiculously proud of her so it’s simply what I expect and I wouldn’t have accepted any less. DH (like most of my friend’s DHs) does his fair share of DC related and house related stuff.

When I met my husband, he earned slightly more than me. 17 years later and I now earn nearly double what he earns. We’re in very different jobs so it was always likely to go that way. He is my biggest supporter and cheerleader. No resentment on either side.

I out-earned DH throughout. We are now both retired early. When we met I was already earning twice his salary and that just increased over time. Upside is he was in education so we never had any issues with holiday childcare. Downside was that we could only go away in school holidays.

He loved his job and was excellent at it and it never bothered him one iota that I earned loads more - he benefitted and celebrated every career win with me.

Men who can't stand the thought of being 'less' than a woman in whatever way aren't worth the time of day.

I think it's possible to be focused on your career and be family orientated. You need to be organised and get outside help.

I think there’s a fundamental issue with “main breadwinner” attitudes. Fair enough to divide responsibility based on one person working ft and another pt but if both work the same hours then the one in the higher paid profession doesn’t get “breadwinner” privileges. Especially as some lower paid jobs are more physically exhausting.
“Main breadwinner” only really applies if one person supports all the family outgoings and the other either doesn’t work or does very pt work for treat money.

Everyone is different.
Speaking for myself, I'd rather live alone.

I think there are different dynamics that can work

We are both ambitious and career driven - it means we have a lot in common. We share the domestic labour and outsource a lot too

I have never had any resentment for earning more from either of my two long-term partners. If I had, I would have left.
I would say, though, that I get less cheer-leading for my professional achievements than most (but not all) of my male colleagues. Generally speaking, I think men are less likely to enthuse over (notice!) someone else's accomplishments. It would be nice to feel that someone was proud of what I have done professionally but DP makes me feel good in other ways so heyho.

I think it's getting a lot better with younger people, ie this isn't seen as a stigma and men don't care so much anymore. I am 51 and it definitely still is more of an issue in my age group and above. I sadly know quite a few cases where men felt robbed of their purpose as breadwinner, looked down upon by peers, insecure and emasculated and other such rubbish when their wife or girlfriend was the higher earner over a longer period of time. All such pathetic stuff. In some cases the "answer" was an affair, as clearly they weren't paid enough attention... I can only hope this disappears with younger people.

obvs I’m aware that the plural of anecdote is not data.

but, from my own experience, and knowledge of a few close friends who have similar household set up: being a woman who earns more than my husband is absolutely fine.

weve been together 25 years: I earn around double. At no point he has ever been resentful: delighted when I get a bonus or pay rise (all money is family money). He more than pulls his weight in family life.