Intense jealousy after miscarriage and neighbour friendship, will these feelings pass?

[IrrationalLobster]

I’ve developed intense jealousy and don’t know what to do. DP used to be quite chatty with a neighbour but she’s recently become single around Xmas time the same time as I had a MC and I just can’t cope.
DP to be fair has said he understands and my mind is just grieving and it’s probably temporary so he has ceased all contact with her (he gave her a lift a lot of days to school since Xmas with her dc as he does school run) and they used to chat a lot.
She did make a remark to me one day when she knocked to ask to speak to him and I said sorry but no.
I am having therapy but it’s so intense and I’ve never had this before. Will it pass?

I’d send a photo of me tucking into the egg with ‘Thanks 👍’ but then I’m petty like that

Well I think she is an absolute fool for not being a lot nicer to you and going through you to make arrangements. That last message is really stirring the pot. Well done your DP for shutting her down.

He gave her a lift a lot of days to school since Xmas with her dc as he does school runs

And how often has she reciprocated any favours to you and your family?

Taking lifts this way is way rude, who does she think she is? Miss Daisy?

Your dh should have known it's overstepping, not a good idea to spend morning after morning with a neighbour doing favours.

Being jealous is understandable. Your dh should have known himself to step away.

ANd her nerve to knock on your door to ask for him? She she your friend too?

Strange neighbour!! Glad she's not mine.

😮What a lazy madam

Yesss 🍫

Shes bypassing you to get to him. Didn't get you an egg as if you dont count.

She's looking for a provider.

Is she from the local area?

Be very careful OP. She's a provider snatcher.

Firstly I’m very sorry for your loss.
Secondly, I think your DH’s message was a great result.
None of it ever sounded great, at best she was taking advantage of nice neighbours and at worst she was using your DH to fill in where her own DH abandoned ship.
I was kind of in two minds until the Easter Egg was explicitly referred to as ‘just for him’ and that she thought it was ok, when she didn’t hear what she wanted to hear, to undermine you and your wishes and text him privately.
Your DH has shown her that you’re united and also that both of you won’t be taken advantage of.
When your intuition is twitching, I wouldn’t jump to it as being irrational jealousy immediately though. Concern and feeling uncomfortable about a partner and someone else isn’t the same as jealousy.
No matter what you’re going through, I wouldn’t look sceptically at myself and my feelings, until I was certain that everything was ok, and only then start to question the validity of my feelings about it. Jealousy/ anxiety when you know all is ok is worth questioning, but it’s valid if you discover that the situation warrants it.
Until you know for a fact what any situation is, I would say be naturally curious enough to find out for certain. This especially applies if there’s something you don’t like about it, even if it’s not apparent why at first.
Sometimes not everything that quacks and waddles actually does turn out to be a duck.

I love this idea 😂

Omg the cheek of her!
Fair play OP & hubby .... give the egg to your kids
Keep one little eye on her though....me thinks she will be persistent

This. YANBU at ALL. Having a husband/partner who feels the need to constantly help other people (usually women!) is exhausting, don't let him put you through this. She's an adult with her own home, and children, he NEEDS to tell her he's not giving any more lifts. People who constantly cadge lifts really boil my fucking piss. I will give the odd lift in an emergency of course, but not regular lifts. She can sort her own shit.

I will bet my house that he wouldn't be doing the same for a man.

YANBU to be upset and worked up, and I'm so sorry about your miscarriage.

p.s. Yes I'm aware that she may not be cadging lifts and your DH may be offering, but the fact is that she is always accepting them. Anyone with a shred of self respect would not keep accepting lifts off someone. Learn to be an adult FFS!

.

Just noticed she came around and brought an Easter Egg for your DH as a 'thank you!' Didn't even include you in anything. What a cow! 😆

Also, it looks like she intends to try and get him to carry on giving lifts to her, even though you have said it's going to stop! Be careful @IrrationalLobster If your husband has a scrap of respect for you, and loves you, he will cut her dead. If he doesn't, and continues to be friendly with her and give her lifts, you should be worried. Sorry.

For heaven’s sake — the egg was a thank you for the person who’d been giving her lifts! The OP hadn’t been giving her lifts!

It's THEIR car, their fuel, their resources that took her children into school and back.

It should be a thank you to both of them.

Do you believe the neighbour's intentions are 100% innocent and if so why?

You’re really reaching here.

I think the egg just being for him as a thank you would have been ok if she hadn’t underlined it. I’ve given people a small gift for helping me out and said what the gift was for but never felt the need to spell it out and kind of underline it.
As for lifts, when my kids were at school years ago they went on a school bus, next door neighbour’s kids where we lived then went to the same school. Neighbours kids were always too late to walk there on time, the husband would chuck them in the car to drive them to the bus stop after mine had set out walking. He’d feel bad driving past them, and my kids would tell me that X had stopped to take them the rest of the way. I then felt bad (I know it was his choice to stop but I still managed to feel bad 😂) so on crappy weather days I offered to take everybody.
He never came in the car with me, I just took his kids and would have thought it very weird if he came along too. My point is that there was no need for him to accompany me, or me him and it never even occurred to anyone to do so. I didn’t buy a gift for him because I reciprocated.
When I had an operation and a friend’s husband took my kids to their activities for me (with his own) for a few weeks, I bought a small gift in appreciation as I couldn’t return the favour. I just gave it to his wife and said thank X for helping me out but I didn’t say anything else or let her know it wasn’t for her.
This woman’s first thought probably should have been to reciprocate by offering to walk all the kids to school herself in rotation with OP / OP’s husband, I would have thought.
The gift in itself isn’t really a problem, the underlining its recipient and lack of offers of reciprocating the favour is.
Also I think accompanying her children in the car (unless one refused to go without her or needed her in some way and that was explained) is weird.
Refusing to accept OP’s word is beyond the pale and privately texting her husband to try to get her own way and undermine OP is atrocious.
Despite nothing flirty going on and OP’s husband doing exactly the right thing, I’d still keep an eye on this woman’s slightly odd behaviour and sense of entitlement.

I'm finding this thread rather illuminating (and alarming). While I get that some people can be predatory and take advantage of others, and that this might be the case in this instance, the general approach that 'taken/married men' shouldn't spend time with single women, and all the territory marking gestures advocated here, I find puzzling. I've been in happy and unhappy relationships and also been single. And, through them all I've always had single friends - male and female - and I would expect and respect that my partner has them too. If you have trust and a solid relationship surely both partners get to and should have their own lives and allowed to make their own decisions about friendships. Single women aren't all lusting after our/your men, and to be kept at arms length! Many single people, as we've seen in other threads, are delighted to be single, and most folks have integrity and don't make a beeline for happily partnered up people.

Exactly Delulu much @TheNorns 😂

Given that the OP has never given the neighbour a lift, admits herself she is ‘irrationally jealous’ of her, turned her away at the front door, and when accepting the egg for her DH, and made it very clear that the refusal of further lifts was originating with her, it’s surely not exactly surprising the neighbour isn’t overflowing with gifts for her?

Any woman buying another woman's husband gifts - and begging lifts, and still whining that she wants lifts FROM HIM (even when she's told she's having no more!) is not to be trusted. She fancies the OP's husband and you ARE deluded if you think any differently @TheNorns

The OP has every right to be pissed off with this woman.

I think it’s the DH’s issue to resolve, if he has an issue with giving school run lifts. The OP’s ‘irrational jealousy’ on no grounds whatsoever, has turned this into some giant territorial contest that doesn’t exist outside her own head,

Feelings of jealousy pass with self confidence and humbleness.

Of course people can choose their own friends, but this woman isn’t respecting OP and her husband’s marriage, doesn’t see them as a team, she tried to undermine OP by private messaging him to get her own way and is a complete taker.

timeline is important (:

I suspect she’s feeling a bit 👀 because it’s been ok for a term, however, the fact she’s gone behind your back to your husband is outrageous TBH cheeky cow! The chunky kitkat egg was piss me off too!