Intense jealousy after miscarriage and neighbour friendship, will these feelings pass?

[IrrationalLobster]

I’ve developed intense jealousy and don’t know what to do. DP used to be quite chatty with a neighbour but she’s recently become single around Xmas time the same time as I had a MC and I just can’t cope.
DP to be fair has said he understands and my mind is just grieving and it’s probably temporary so he has ceased all contact with her (he gave her a lift a lot of days to school since Xmas with her dc as he does school run) and they used to chat a lot.
She did make a remark to me one day when she knocked to ask to speak to him and I said sorry but no.
I am having therapy but it’s so intense and I’ve never had this before. Will it pass?

Hmmm - I don’t think anyone should rely on a neighbour for regular transport arrangements.

Assuming there are taxis, buses in the area etc, as well as the ability to walk, she should really only be asking your DH/DP if it is an emergency.

Aside from the jealousy stuff, it’s giving CF vibes.

I don't understand why she couldn't tell you the appointment message and you tell him.

.

Your neighbour seems to be taking advantage of your partner.
Your feelings of jealousy might be (forgive me if I’m missing the mark) because he’s helping another woman and her children, which might sting after your own loss of a child.
I’m glad you’re in therapy, I hope you feel better working through things.
You’re not entirely unreasonable to stop DP from being your neighbour’s taxi service. Maybe a lift once in the rain if she’s running late or her taxi cancels or the buses or on strike but relying on your partner every single day is ridiculous from her.

Because the OP’s partner is the one who does the school runs,
presumably because that’s what works for both their working days.

DH/DP has absolutely no obligation to take her kids to school. Absolutely none.

That would be the same whether she is single or married.

Even if I wasn’t going through this it wasn’t an arrangement that was going to last the next few years

I posted just because I wondered had any else had these feelings and managed to overcome it

Don’t be hard on yourself. You are in crisis and its all hands on deck in your house. She is in crisis and is overly reliant on your household because her ex husband has defaulted. She needs to figure her situation out without extracting resources from your household—and specifically your dh.

Keep working on calming your nervous system. Do more with your dh and family. Reenter safety snd these proprietary/jealous feelings will go away.

Nothing unreasonable with what you have requested from your husband.

You are going through a difficult time and he needs to put your needs first. It’s not controlling to want that. You have had a miscarriage and need your partner now more than ever. It’s a traumatic experience for couples, especially the mother.

Your neighbour needs to sort her own transport and not rely on your husband so much.

You are not doing anything wrong.

She is being a CF!

We’ve all had intense, awkward irrational feelings that were difficult to manage. I still feel that this is your emotion to deal with internally, not your partner’s responsibility to assuage. He hasn’t done anything wrong, from what you say. Telling him he has to do something because of your MH is a dangerous road to go down. What else might you require him to do to appease you?

The feelings after loss will ease over time. You’ll never forget your child, but the intense feelings will subside.

The feelings of your partner being taking advantage of (or even willingly running to a damsel in distress) would intensify for me personally. I can’t speak for everyone.
If my neighbour had got to the point where she’s now asking my partner for lifts to an appointment I’d have to say you are utterly taking the piss, get a bus or a taxi you cheeky fucker.

Both mine and my direct next door neighbour’s children go to the same school and we’ve never lift shared, get your own kids to school 🙄

I was a jealous mess after my miscarriage. Like you, I’d never felt like that before. I put it down to a combination of hormones and grief.

But is he going out of his way? How is it an inconvenience? I drive my colleague home every day. We finish at the same time and I can drop her at traffic lights on my direct route home. If she needed to change her timings I’d not take her.

Unless he’s neglecting your relationship, I can’t see what’s wrong with the school trips. You’re neighbours and your kids go to the same school. It makes sense to travel together.

Find ways for her to help you guys out as otherwise she’s being a CF.

But your jealousy issues are your issue and sounds unreasonable as there’s nothing to suggest anything improper is going on.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Your jealousy is making you very controlling and I hope your therapy sessions help you to stop this, alongside healing from your grief. I imagine the intense feelings will fade with time.

A controlling and jealous partner can often push the other one away, something to be mindful of.

It is not being irrationally jealous
to not like seeing your partner and another woman becoming inappropriately close.

This woman is becoming dependant on OP's partner and how can that be appropriate? She is taking the piss. She should be making her own arrangements re her children. My H and I were a none car owning family so I know from personal experience that it is possible to bring up children and live without a car and be independent and not cadge lifts from people. We either used public transport or walked. I would have been totally embarrassed to ask a neighbour for lifts as this woman is doing.

It is not controlling to talk to your partner and explain you aren't happy about something in the relationship. That's how relationships work: with communication.

It does sound as though she is taking your husband for granted. Whether you call your feelings jealousy or insecurity, it would probably be best if he gives her a wide berth.

It certainly is irrational jealousy. The partner has done nothing wrong. He gives lifts to a neighbour and chats to her while they have a car full of children.

I don't think you're being unreasonable or controlling at all, to be fair. I wouldn't be happy with that situation either and I think a term is more than long enough.

I'm not sure your jealousy is completely irrational tbh - long chats, lifts to school, knocking on door to ask about an appointment (did she want another lift?) - with the newly single woman next door - I don't think I'd be too happy about that.

She's veering into CF territory.

I remember a thread where the single mum across the hall kept asking a poster's Dh to carry shopping up the stairs, drive her to appointments etc - it's just like that - very 'damsel in distress' to another woman's DH.

Oh right so you know OP and her partner and this neighbour? Because if you don't you have absolutely no right to state with such certainty that OP's feelings on this matter are irrational jealousy.

I'm assuming from what OP has said that this feeling of jealousy is out of character for her. And yes some of it may stem from how she is feeling after her unhappy miscarriage experience. But she is the one who knows her partner, who knows this woman, who is seeing the dynamics of their interaction. Therefore she must be picking up on something not right otherwise she wouldn't be feeling the way she is.

And thats leaving aside the natural annoyance at this woman's bare faced cheek in expecting lifts in the first place.

So he’s to get in the car and refuse to take her to the school going at the same time to the same place? Thay feels a bit much.

if you feel he’s going to cheat then you need to deal with this, stopping him being neighbourly and making it awkward and difficult won’t stop him cheating.

im sorry about your miscarriage, but this feels extreme.

Are you quite well?

The OP herself, who should know, describes her jealousy as ‘irrational’.

Are we going to assume that a bunch of territorial internet strangers, who think their Darren exercises an uncontrollable fascination over other women, know better than she does?

You’re angry and grieving and want someone to blame.

This is not the way to do it.

You are being controlling and you’re going to push your DP away.

These are your issues that you need to continue to work on.
Don’t ruin your relationship because you are grieving.

Did you maybe not read the ops posts, she herself said it was irrational.

Why do posters such as yourself always jump into hyperbole to mock and deride those who have a different view point?

I take it you are one of the "Cool wives" who refuses to acknowledge that friendships can develop into emotional attachments? This situation has all the potential for that happening.

I would assume OP.is calling it irrational jealousy because she hopes that's what it is and that she feels that is the best way to describe the feeling of unease she iis experiencing.