Intense jealousy after miscarriage and neighbour friendship, will these feelings pass?

[IrrationalLobster]

I’ve developed intense jealousy and don’t know what to do. DP used to be quite chatty with a neighbour but she’s recently become single around Xmas time the same time as I had a MC and I just can’t cope.
DP to be fair has said he understands and my mind is just grieving and it’s probably temporary so he has ceased all contact with her (he gave her a lift a lot of days to school since Xmas with her dc as he does school run) and they used to chat a lot.
She did make a remark to me one day when she knocked to ask to speak to him and I said sorry but no.
I am having therapy but it’s so intense and I’ve never had this before. Will it pass?

This doesn’t make any sense, it will be max a ten min journey there and back each day, with a car full of kids at least twice a day, no where is the op saying this ten mins means she’s not emotionally supported and less of him for her.

i think some people are reading too much into this and not reading what the op says, they are escalating it for her, and thays really unpleasant.

Or don’t share

but we’re talking about a poxy 25 minute walk here. No car needed.

just walk it

Presumably she walks home after the OP's DH drops her and the kids at the school and he continues to work. I assume that her child or children need to be accompanied to the door, or simply that she feels it would be inappropriate to send her child/children off with the next-door neighbour, unaccompanied.

Yep, the neighbour definitely should and leave everyone else alone.

And if the OP were an omnipotent deity, I feel sure she would arrange things like this, but as she isn't, she's going to have to deal with other people making their own decisions, as well all do.

Let’s get this straight

His wife is in a bad place mentally and emotionally

The school is a mere 25 minute walk away

The neighbour isn’t family; isn’t a friend; isn’t ill; immobile… just lazy.

So in the DP’s shoes… why not just prioritise your wife when she’s having a rough time of it and stop the lifts?

I'm not deflecting.

I don't understand your point.
Perhaps you missed the fact that OP's partner is giving this woman lifts every day and the woman is coming to the door asking to see Op's partner. It's one thing for OP and her partner to be friends with this woman if they wish to do so. It's quite another for this woman to latch on to OP's partner the way she is doing. That's not friendship: She is using OP's partner. What has that got to do with the scenario you are talking about?

Yeah because people don't have affairs do they? 🙄

We tell women to trust their instincts and when they express concerns there's always posters rushing to gaslight OP who would know better than any of us what the dynamics are.

I wouldn't like this either OP. The occasional time yes but not all the time. Unfortunately this can sometimes be the start of an affair so you are right to not like it.

She came round earlier with an Easter egg for dp as ‘a thankyou for all the help’ I said thanks that was nice to get something for him (he wasn’t home) and as she had mentioned it I said that after the holidays hopefully the weather will be nice as we had had a chat and going forwards don’t feel that he can continue to do the daily lifts to school. She said ‘what about rainy days then ?’ I said no sorry he won’t be doing any and she said ‘but you mentioned the weather ?’ I explained I was just making conversation and we wanted to give her time to make other arrangements and if she hadn’t come round he was going to message her on Tuesday. She said not to worry she will message him later and walked off leaving me standing there open mouthed with a kitkat chunky egg (his favourite chocolate incidentally which irritated me).

She said not to worry she will message him later

Aw, she's at your door again bringing him his favorite egg to sweeten the boundary crossing.

Has he said no to her about the rides yet? Because her not accepting no from you is a red flag. And her messaging him to try to talk him back into giving her rides is an end run around you and a way to start a disagreement in your marriage.

Throw that egg away.

This is madness. If she is getting lifts because of bad weather but shes walking back in bad weather?!

Surely his children need accompanying into school, so why cant he accompany hers in? If hes good enough for lifts hes good enough for that?!

Sounds like she just wants to spend time with him tbh

OP id love to know why she is in rhe car with ur hubby cant he just take all the kids?

What does she do after school run? Walk back?

Negates the bad weather comment then doesnt it

Also to add, my neighbours help me out on 2 school runs a week, its the husband who drives my child and his daughter, but when I thanked them at Christmas for their help I got them a bottle of wine and some chocs for BOTH of them.

They are a team, I recognise this. I thank them both.

This neighbour sounds predatory 👀

I wouldn't consider this irrational at all tbh. She's comfortable enough knocking at your door to expect your DP to fill the role hers left. If she was still in a relationship, I'd be uncomfortable. Newly single and potentially feeling emotional herself, looking for security or a feeling of being desired again - nope. Not for me!

In fact I would caution you from telling your partner it's the miscarriage making you feel this way. That diminishes the fact your neighbour is becoming overly reliant on your DP. It sounds like boundaries need to be established, and firmly. Starting with her & her DC's other parent sorting the school run out themselves.

I wouldn’t like this either. I would eat the easter egg out of spite.

She sent him ‘dropped an egg off as a thankyou for you for all the lifts it’s been a godsend. Don’t let anyone else eat it ! Would it be ok on bad weather days or if I’m running late to occasionally still car share ?! Hope you don’t mind’ he replied ‘thanks for the chocolate much appreciated. Unfortunately I won’t be able to help with the lifts anymore but as irrationallobster said to you earlier the weather should be much better. All the best’

Yeah I have a loving and healthy marriage but I would hate this so much. Married/taken men don’t need to be spending lots of time with single women

The audacity of her is rather astonishing. Clearly she thinks that as her partner has buggered off she can just use yours part time. Absolute cheeky fuckery. And to sneer that she’ll go around you to message him?? Nasty.

It’s good that he has put an end to her impositions but unfortunately I think she will be back at it before long. As long as he continues to deflect she should get the message. I’m glad that he’s supportive of you.

She was overstepping. You told her no and she went behind your back to try and get him to override you. You are not unreasonable and I'm glad you and your DH are a team and it hasn't come between you.

Very obvious she fancied him and I’m guessing she thought he fancied her back too. I got that vibe from the Easter egg “for him” rather than getting you all one. I’m assuming he’s dropping your DC off as well as hers anyway, I hope that’s the case! If he’s literally just dropping hers off every day then that’s weird. But yeah, she should have brought a selection of chocolate around. You both did the right thing nipping this in the bud now. She’s a massive pisstaker.

Unfortunately I won’t be able to help with the lifts anymore but as irrationallobster said to you earlier the weather should be much better. All the best’

He handled that well by letting her know he backs you up and her little divide and conquer effort failed. You two are a team and hopefully have better days ahead.

Great outcome, OP. She’ll be a much better role model for her kids not cadging off everyone else too. Massive pisstaker as PP said. She can stop herself from ‘running late’ - forward cow.

Really pleased your DH backed you up on that OP - great news.

Don't forget the "don't let anyone else eat it" aka- don't let your wife eat it.