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Original poster

Boyfriend wants to join the marines, but our futures no longer align

101 replies

Huneybearz · 01/04/2026 20:35

Me (21F) and my boyfriend (21M) have been together now for 3 years now. Our whole relationship we’ve talked about our future, what we want, how many years we expect to be together before marriage, all the fun stuff. I’ve made it very clear that what I want in my future is a 2 parent household with both parents actively in our children’s life, not missing any important details of their childhood, and a stable partner, there for me emotionally, physically, just to be my rock. I’ve been thru a lot in my childhood, and I feel having a control over making sure my children’s lives are better than mine was, would heal me. He’s been aware of that, and agreed to a life like that with me due to us having similar values in that sense.

Now a few weeks ago he came to me, told me he wanted to do four years in the army, and he would be doing something safe, promises of coming home every night, and being there for me and our future family. I was taken aback as he had never mentioned the military, and I can’t necessarily say I was happy, but I agreed. Now he’s coming to me saying it’s his dream to be in the marines. He wants to be in the field. He’s not going to be home every night. And I just broke. Tried to compromise, there appears to be no solution. This is really what he wants to do, and he wants to start this whole little journey off married. Granted I already knew the question would be being popped soon, just not so happy about the circumstances it’ll be popped under. Among other things marriage is a commitment, a promise. And it feels like there won’t even be a honey moon. I’m at the point in my life where I want to get married soon and have kids in a few years. However I can’t necessarily see myself being happy if my husband isn’t around, if he’s missing their first steps or first words, or miss that first day of school. It would break me. The moving around constantly would break me. But I love him. Everyone around me has told me even though I love him he’s not thinking about me, he’s not thinking about our future, and that I need to leave him and put myself first. That if he won’t come to a compromise, about OUR future I need to just leave and focus on me. But I can’t wrap my head around it. That’s the main issue in our relationship and I’ve been dreading anything he talks about marine, his fyp being all propaganda, it’s just a trigger for me, and I can’t help it bc I see myself being so miserable. I feel terrible. I feel like a terrible partner because he makes it out to be me not supporting his dreams. But what about my dreams ? What about my values?

I just need advice. Did anyone else feel like this and still stay and it ended up being happily ever after? Am I overthinking it?

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 01/04/2026 20:44

He's not ready for full time marriage and fatherhood and at 21, I don't blame him. At least he's sort of figured it out now rather than when you've had a kid or two.

The thing he's not getting is that when he's in the military, he doesn't have a say. They stick him where he's needed and you count for nothing in that decision.

You're now incompatible. Time to break up and go your separate ways.

Being a military spouse is difficult and you have to be very independent to function as one, be able to function as a single parent and that's not what you want.

Mogbiscuit · 01/04/2026 20:47

Tou are both very young and have not yet found your way. He wants to be a soldier and he can't simultaneously be home every night for tea and bedtime. Let hin go and explore other relationships and careers for yourself.

AlohaRose · 01/04/2026 20:48

You are very young and were even younger when you started planning this happy-ever-after future together. Now he has matured and wants something different to what he wanted at 18 - and that's allowed and understandable. He is naive however if he thought he could go into ANY army job (not just the Marines) and think he was going to be home every night. However, I'm also concerned about you taking about future children playing a part in "healing" you. You are not ready to have children if that is how you think about them.

What do you both do at the moment - work, study? What do your families think about your plans?

Sminty2 · 01/04/2026 20:53

You are both young and have/will change a lot in the next few years. That said, my husband worked away from home for weeks, sometimes months on end. We made it work because we wanted to and our children are beautiful, happy, functional adults.

Relationships like this are definitely not for everyone, but if you are prepared to try, they are fantastic.

Ilikewinter · 01/04/2026 20:57

Your 21, yet you've mapped out the whole of your life. I don't blame him for wanting to go live his life. You should do the same.

Catza · 01/04/2026 20:59

I think you should both try things, have fun, grow up a little and only start thinking about marriage and children once you figured out who you are as people. Planning your life in minute detail at the age of 18 and sticking to your plan no matter what seems...unwise.
You don't necessarily have to break up but surely there are other things you can focus on in the next four years other than being a wife and a mother?

DierdreDaphne · 01/04/2026 21:01

Clearly your dreams are no longer aligned. You do not have to support his dreams if they are not yours. If you were married you'd have to negotiate and compromise. Because the man is not the senior, you'd be partners.

As you are not married, you are still free to have different dreams, and if they take you on different paths, then so be it. You are not at fault to not want a marine for a husband. He is not at fault for wanting something that you don't want. He is at fault if he is telling you you should stay with him, go along with what he wants even though its not what you want, and just generally suck it up to be "supportive".

I think this is actually an opportunity for you both. For him, to spread his wings (though why on earth he want to go into the military god only knows...however we're not here to discuss his career). For you, kit is an opportunity to heal from your traumatic childhood - probably with some professional help - so that in a few years time you are whole , and properly ready to be a wife and mother, without your husband and children needing to be medicine to heal your trauma.

Please don't try to grow up too fast my love. Give yourself space and time to discover, and become, who you are.

CarlaLemarchant · 01/04/2026 21:02

He’s got every right to want to join the marines but you have every right to say no to marriage if you don’t want to be an army wife.

Neither of you are going anything wrong, but there’s either tough choices or compromise to be made.

TheNorns · 01/04/2026 21:03

Ilikewinter · 01/04/2026 20:57

Your 21, yet you've mapped out the whole of your life. I don't blame him for wanting to go live his life. You should do the same.

This. I’ve been with DH since we were 19 (we’re now in our 50s) purely on the basis that we never stopped one another doing anything, so I’m well aware how few of these relationships last apart from in situations where both people have very similar ( usually low) aspirations. You should be focusing on your own dreams. His aren’t incompatible. Wish one another the best and move on.

Mulledjuice · 01/04/2026 21:05

feel having a control over making sure my children’s lives are better than mine was, would heal me.

You cannot control this overall. You have to heal yourself.

Viviennemary · 01/04/2026 21:09

You are both very young. He wants to lead a life of what he thinks is an adventure. If you don't want the life of a service wife then don't sign up for it.

TheNorns · 01/04/2026 21:12

Mulledjuice · 01/04/2026 21:05

feel having a control over making sure my children’s lives are better than mine was, would heal me.

You cannot control this overall. You have to heal yourself.

Yes, children aren’t there to be your healing. Heal yourself first, before you have them. Show your eventual children the fruits of having healed.

Callalilly2016 · 01/04/2026 21:15

Agree with pp that said this is an opportunity for you both. Children can’t ‘heal’ you. That isn’t their responsibility or their role. You should consider what is best for you long term and it may not be with this person. It’s ok if his dream is different to yours. You were barely adults when you got together and you can’t hold him to a future that he doesn’t want. Take time to discover who you are and give yourself chance to explore options before rushing to get married and have children.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 01/04/2026 21:15

If you love someone let them go!

Rachelshair · 01/04/2026 21:16

You can't have kids hoping they will heal you OP. You need to find a way to heal yourself really, therapy maybe? Kids can be very stressful and fray every last nerve sometimes.
Your partner is being unreasonable changing his mind so drastically and wanting you to marry him anyway. You know what you want so split up, he can't give you what you want if he's in the military. Maybe you'll link up again later in life?

ExOptimist · 01/04/2026 21:30

As pp have said, having children won't heal you and it's wrong to embark on having them if you think they will. Having children means you have to give of yourself, rather than take, so you should be in as good a state mentally before you have them.

I'm struck by how young you are to be planning marriage and babies so soon. Plenty of people get together young and everyone in love likes to talk about their future together, but the kind of things you're talking about are usually in the "one day, maybe in ten years, when we've both got established careers, got money behind us, had fun, plenty of holidays etc" rather than planning specifics like you are. With all due respect I think you need to allow yourself to grow up a little.

I do not think you're compatible in the end. You don't want to be a military spouse( many wouldn't so it's perfectly normal) and he wants a military career with the excitement and danger that brings. It's fairer on you both to split up amicably.

LittlePetitePsychopath · 01/04/2026 21:34

feel having a control over making sure my children’s lives are better than mine was, would heal me.

Take it from me, this doesn’t work. You need to be healed well, well before you have children, which means that realistically your timelines might align more than you think, because he could complete his service before you TTC and you could focus on healing your own childhood wounds.

It’s time for serious reflection. I suspect that while you have feelings for him; your keenness to get on with things now is because you are desperate for that healing. You’re so young. You have time to make sure you’re healed and don’t pass the hurt on.

Sassylovesbooks · 01/04/2026 21:59

If your boyfriend joins the military, he won't have any choice where he is posted, and how long for. Even if he's posted in the UK, he'll likely be on shift (my Dad is ex RAF), so yes there will be missed moments. If he's posted abroad, it doesn't mean you'll be able to go with him either, it could very well be an unaccompanied posting. Moving around, is disruptive not only for you, but any future children too.

You are both young, yet you've mapped out your entire life. I think your childhood has possibly made you crave stability and security, and not having a plan makes you feel anxious. You need to follow your mapped out life plan, because it makes you feel in control of your life. Your boyfriend has thrown a complete curve ball at you, that's made you off balance. The military means uncertainty, and that's not in you plan.

Your boyfriend is maturing and has realised joining the military is something he wants to do. He's not unreasonable to want to better himself and his career prospects. You are not unreasonable for not sharing his enthusiasm.

The military way of life isn't something you want, and pretending otherwise is pointless. You have reached a crossroads in your relationship. Your future plans no longer align, and you both want completely different things.

Personally, as hard as it will be, I think you have to end the relationship. I would urge you to seek some therapy. You need to heal from whatever has happened in your childhood. Children can't heal past trauma, that's not their place to do so, and it's not a reason to have children. You can't control every aspect of your life, and expect to be able to keep to a rigid life plan, it's simply not realistic.

Lookingdownthebarrell · 01/04/2026 22:02

The conversation you seem to have had about values are pretty serious. You’ve mentioned the reasons why they were important to you, what were his? Have his changed, as in does he want to join the marines for only four years and only have kids after he leaves? That would presumably from an age perspective be ok for both of you unless you agreed to having kids sooner. This is on a practical level.

On a deeper level you may need to sit down and discuss again your values now and going forward. And if things have changed for either or both what you want to do about it. People change throughout adulthood and that’s ok, marriages only fail when those evolutions don’t work for both.

frecklejuice · 01/04/2026 22:02

He shouldn’t be thinking about you he should be planning his own life and following his dreams, he is only 21 and has no ties so he can do anything he wants. Maybe you need to have your own dreams?

Silverbirchleaf · 01/04/2026 22:10

This is one of those situations whereby you are both perfectly entitled to feel how you feel. Neither viewpoint is right or wrong.

Your bf has decided that, for his career, he wants to go down the military route, whilst you want marriage, house, 2.4 kids etc. It does appear he wants what you want, but just not know. He’s not ready to settle down, and I think that’s the crux of the matter.

Pleasealexa · 01/04/2026 22:19

He will always regret not trying so he has to give the military a go. He may not make the selection or complete training as it's very tough but he has to try.

Don't get married, you would both be crazy to commit at 21. If he goes off for a year and you can maintain the relationship then reassess if it's the life you want.

scotscorner · 01/04/2026 22:22

Hello @Huneybearz, you have my sympathy - about 8 years ago I was you! And was similarly unenthusiastic about being an army wife.

Now I am one, with two small children, and I’ve dealt with all the things you mentioned - childcare alone, husband missing things, moving around.

There are upsides as well as downsides to army life, and I’m very happy with my decision, but in your case I would strongly advise you to end the relationship. You’re much younger than I was, you’re both very young, and there’s a very good chance you’d be unhappy in the situation you describe. I could be mistaken, but I am guessing you haven’t established a real career yet, and to become an army wife and mum is very limiting in that sense. You have to accept the whims of the army, and that’s terrible for your own independence and career.

Give yourself a bit of time to discover life - if this person is really the right one for you, you’ll find your way back together.

Dery · 01/04/2026 22:40

As PPs have said, you need to work on healing before you have children, not expect them to heal you. You hopefully have another 60-70 years to live - possibly more. There’s plenty of time for children in your future. Now is the time for experimenting with different careers, travelling, finding what works for you in work, in life and in love. You’re completely wrong to try to clip your BF’s wings at such a young age, just as he would be completely wrong to try to clip yours.

Dancingintherain09 · 02/04/2026 19:38

Huneybearz · 01/04/2026 20:35

Me (21F) and my boyfriend (21M) have been together now for 3 years now. Our whole relationship we’ve talked about our future, what we want, how many years we expect to be together before marriage, all the fun stuff. I’ve made it very clear that what I want in my future is a 2 parent household with both parents actively in our children’s life, not missing any important details of their childhood, and a stable partner, there for me emotionally, physically, just to be my rock. I’ve been thru a lot in my childhood, and I feel having a control over making sure my children’s lives are better than mine was, would heal me. He’s been aware of that, and agreed to a life like that with me due to us having similar values in that sense.

Now a few weeks ago he came to me, told me he wanted to do four years in the army, and he would be doing something safe, promises of coming home every night, and being there for me and our future family. I was taken aback as he had never mentioned the military, and I can’t necessarily say I was happy, but I agreed. Now he’s coming to me saying it’s his dream to be in the marines. He wants to be in the field. He’s not going to be home every night. And I just broke. Tried to compromise, there appears to be no solution. This is really what he wants to do, and he wants to start this whole little journey off married. Granted I already knew the question would be being popped soon, just not so happy about the circumstances it’ll be popped under. Among other things marriage is a commitment, a promise. And it feels like there won’t even be a honey moon. I’m at the point in my life where I want to get married soon and have kids in a few years. However I can’t necessarily see myself being happy if my husband isn’t around, if he’s missing their first steps or first words, or miss that first day of school. It would break me. The moving around constantly would break me. But I love him. Everyone around me has told me even though I love him he’s not thinking about me, he’s not thinking about our future, and that I need to leave him and put myself first. That if he won’t come to a compromise, about OUR future I need to just leave and focus on me. But I can’t wrap my head around it. That’s the main issue in our relationship and I’ve been dreading anything he talks about marine, his fyp being all propaganda, it’s just a trigger for me, and I can’t help it bc I see myself being so miserable. I feel terrible. I feel like a terrible partner because he makes it out to be me not supporting his dreams. But what about my dreams ? What about my values?

I just need advice. Did anyone else feel like this and still stay and it ended up being happily ever after? Am I overthinking it?

I married a Soldier *(hes now retired) I loved military life and if he plans on only doungvit for a short time then it will be before kids are in the picture. Though my kids were brought up on base, I made so many wonderful life life friends and I miss it terribly.
The military wife community is a wonderful supportive community if it support you crave