Boyfriend wants to join the marines, but our futures no longer align

[Huneybearz]

Me (21F) and my boyfriend (21M) have been together now for 3 years now. Our whole relationship we’ve talked about our future, what we want, how many years we expect to be together before marriage, all the fun stuff. I’ve made it very clear that what I want in my future is a 2 parent household with both parents actively in our children’s life, not missing any important details of their childhood, and a stable partner, there for me emotionally, physically, just to be my rock. I’ve been thru a lot in my childhood, and I feel having a control over making sure my children’s lives are better than mine was, would heal me. He’s been aware of that, and agreed to a life like that with me due to us having similar values in that sense.

Now a few weeks ago he came to me, told me he wanted to do four years in the army, and he would be doing something safe, promises of coming home every night, and being there for me and our future family. I was taken aback as he had never mentioned the military, and I can’t necessarily say I was happy, but I agreed. Now he’s coming to me saying it’s his dream to be in the marines. He wants to be in the field. He’s not going to be home every night. And I just broke. Tried to compromise, there appears to be no solution. This is really what he wants to do, and he wants to start this whole little journey off married. Granted I already knew the question would be being popped soon, just not so happy about the circumstances it’ll be popped under. Among other things marriage is a commitment, a promise. And it feels like there won’t even be a honey moon. I’m at the point in my life where I want to get married soon and have kids in a few years. However I can’t necessarily see myself being happy if my husband isn’t around, if he’s missing their first steps or first words, or miss that first day of school. It would break me. The moving around constantly would break me. But I love him. Everyone around me has told me even though I love him he’s not thinking about me, he’s not thinking about our future, and that I need to leave him and put myself first. That if he won’t come to a compromise, about OUR future I need to just leave and focus on me. But I can’t wrap my head around it. That’s the main issue in our relationship and I’ve been dreading anything he talks about marine, his fyp being all propaganda, it’s just a trigger for me, and I can’t help it bc I see myself being so miserable. I feel terrible. I feel like a terrible partner because he makes it out to be me not supporting his dreams. But what about my dreams ? What about my values?

I just need advice. Did anyone else feel like this and still stay and it ended up being happily ever after? Am I overthinking it?

That’s fine, but when I said he’s selfish I meant it’s not fine to very selfishly expect this woman to marry him before he pisses off to follow his dreams.

You will be a completely different person by the time you reached 30
I’ve always said that’s a really good age to have children because you’ve got to know yourself and you’re comfortable in your own skin and you’ve healed everything that you need to heal by that age if you give yourself a chance
If you have children any younger you’ll literally just bury it and then it will come out to bite you much later on and be more impactful
Just give yourself a bit of time

Op, he’s 21and has just sprung on you that hes joining the army. you cannot trust any commitments he makes about 4 years because he can just turn around and say this is my vocation, and make you the bad guy for wanting to give it up. You need to say thank you and I know you care for me, but I can’t marry you when we may want totally different things. You may not want to leave in 4 years, and I do not want to be an army wife. I think it’s best we let each other go, but I’m happy to write.

Such a difficult path to tread when neither the family is supportive of the relationship
Sounds like it’s run its course

You are both very young. I don't think either of you are ready for marriage or children.
I think you should let him pursue his dream , if your relationship is as strong as you say it can survive some time apart.
You might both feel that you want to do other things though and live a little before your settle down .

When I was 18 my then boyfriend wanted to be in the marines. I knew this and he spent 1 year of our 3ish years training to get in. (It’s very very hard to even get accepted, never mind pass basic training and your boyfriend may not)

At the time, I planned on moving down south with him (I was starting my law degree in the north) and didn’t really understand the implications of being 300+ miles from family. Thankfully he ended things because “he wanted to try to date other people”, which was actually really mature given how young he was, because he could have just cheated. We dated (if you can call it that) periodically in our early 20s.

I’m now 34 (as is he) and I’ve been with my now husband for 8 years, married for 2. We met when I was 26 and I can’t express enough how much it works for me to have a husband who is my best friend and who I hang out with and I’m excited to see. You’ll have a job as busy as mine as a nurse (I’m a Head of Legal at a tech company) but imagine coming home to be the sole carer for kids? The only one doing the mental load of schedules and meal plans and cooking and cleaning? Some people really thrive off being solo, and I was a really ambitious, capable and independent young woman before I met my husband who would have happily “done my own thing” had I married a marine while he was away. I did not consider, which you sensibly have, “grown up” life together with kids. It’s really not for everyone and it’s not something you HAVE to accept. If he wants to join the marines, then you can’t discourage him, but perhaps this is where your journey together ends.

My ex has one serious girlfriend after me of less than a year (and used to call/meet me constantly the entire time) and then maybe one more in his late 20s, for about the same duration down south. He has never moved in with anyone and his life is the military. He went on to join the SBS and since left the forces, I think he’s doing specialist training to be an armed guard. For a person that was quite a soft and loving soul, he must spend 90% of his time solo and I know he isn’t naturally like that. I am however, glad we never got married and my husband is literally the best thing that ever happened to me. I can’t imagine not having a marriage where I can’t call/text when I want, get excited for him coming home every day and spend Saturday mornings cuddling in bed with coffee. I really respect military spouses, but you don’t have to marry anyone if your futures don’t align and I think it’s really mature you see that now.

Because he’s asking me to marry into it as well. That should be a life choice for both not one.

What is an RBC please?

CNA I know as certified nursing assistants- but we don't have then in the UK and you said you were doing your degree. Are you in the US?

Absolutely you should say no when it's not for you.

There is no rush OP - there is no reason to get married at this point - you're both trying to work out what you want in life. Just see how it goes for a few years pursuing what you each want to do - resentment will set in in the future if 1 partner feels their dreams were put on hold for the other one. In 5 years, when ur both more established and you want to get married, you will be in a better position to decide how to make it work. I met my DH at 18, we're 40 now. I can remember how hard it was to establish your career and stay together. It worked out, but we didnt get married till we were 26 when we were both more settled. We didnt have kids till 29.

You're both too young to be tying your life choices to another person.

My family; not so supportive. They think the whole military thing is silly, and i should leave, as they say "hes being selfish and only thinking of himself yet still wanting me to marry now" And keep telling me to pray on it

OP your family are spot on, and you’ve basically answered your own question. I think you know this is relationship will not give you the life you want.

You have correctly pointed out he could end up signing up for 20+ years and not 4 years . You’d end up either a single mother or a married single mother ie. Married but feeling like a single parent .

Of course that’s always the risk when you have kids and get married, but signing up for a life you categorically don’t want from the outset, definitely increases the likelihood of a failed or unhappy marriage.

You would be very unwise to marry him before he goes off to the military, and the fact that his family isn’t keen on you and just expect you to fall into line with his dreams is also a red flag. He will probably always prioritise his and his family desires before yours. And just see you as someone to help facilitate his dreams and goals.

Even if you still want to stick around with him for a while, take care not to fall pregnant to this man or get married!

You are both incredibly young. He needs to follow his path and if it’s not yous let him go.

He’s asked. You get to decline, decouple your life from his and make your own life choices about careers and where you want to live etc. Much better for you both.

Is he planning on joining tthe Army or the Marines? The Marines are part of the Royal Navy.

At 21 years old you should be having fun and driving your life and career forward.

I certainly would not be thinking about marriage and kids. Total madness.

Don't get married now. But don't necessarily break up either?

He needs to join the Marines.

In the meantime you have your degree and career to build. And perhaps more of a life outside of this relationship, whether or not you end up staying together.

It might actually do you good to be long distance for now.

I do agree with the others who are saying you need time to work out who you are, as an individual. As does he.

You are on the cusp of your adult lives. It's a very exciting age and place to be. I hope you make the most of the next ten years to have varied experiences, meet people, go places. You'll be a long time settled and have 24/7 responsibility once you have children. Make the most of your freedom before then.

I also agree that having children will not heal you. It will reveal the wounds which need healing.

Quite honestly i’ve always said the military is one profession i said i would never date or have kids with.

Of the one person I do know, they are having to move around bases and locations and schools all the time.

I also had a friend at school whose dad went to war and she was constantly scared he was going to die.

This is an awful lot of angst for two people so young. Of course he should join the marines, or try to, if that’s what he wants to do, you should continue with your training and work towards a successful career too. Maybe your lives will remain intertwined, maybe they won’t, but talking about marriage when you’re not remotely established as adults is, gently, unwise and very unlikely to end in happily ever after. At risk of sounding very like my own dear mother, there is no rush.
ETA fwiw I wouldn’t want to be married to, or raise children with, someone in the military either. You’re not wrong for feeling that way, at all, but it is, I feel, unrealistic to say that at 21, you should be considering each others preferences to the detriment of your own individual desires and ambitions.

@Huneybearz

What are your plans in terms of your career after graduation, OP?

@Huneybearz

He's far too young to be thinking about marriage and kids - and you're too young to see it. He wants to do something different before he settles down, which is perfectly reasonable and normal at his age. If you talk him out of it, he will regret it forever and blame you for the rest of your lives. Your "dreams" don't align anymore which at your ages is also perfectly normal. I suggest you decline his proposal because military life obviously won't suit your plans and to be honest you aren't alone. They don't suit a lot of women. Get on with your studies and career and let him do the same. At the end of 4 years you'll probably be very different people and no longer attracted to each other, but if you both still feel the same way then you've really proved the strength of your relationship.

Some of the comments here must be really hard to read, but i think they are largely correct. I also think you are absolutely right to want children with a man who will be an active father, its something thats wise to give thought to, its a really important part of your life and will impact you massively. I understand you love this man, but something I've learnt in life is that I takes a lot more than love to make a relationship work. Love makes it very hard to split, but a relationship takes empathy, kindness, a shared sense of goals and morals, teamwork and support in order to work.

Don't compromise such an important core value, you will live to regret it, and the resentment will end up killing the love you have for him anyway.

Your both 21 and you want different things in life. There is nothing wrong with this.
Neither of you are ready for marriage because of your age and lack of life experience.
He wants to move away and do his own thing. He can't expect you to get married and be waiting at home for him when he sees what he is doing and the army ect are deciding where he is going next. You don't want this life of staying at home possibly with small kids on your own in a few years time or moving to different places with him and kids.

Tell him that you have no interest in being a military wife and that you want to get your degree ect so you have decided to end things with him because long term you both want different things.

I know that this won't be easy but it the best thing you can do for yourself now. Let him go off and do what he wants. You concentrate on your degree and do any additional courses or any extra work experience you can get.
You told us that you had a poor childhood and you want different for your own kids in the future. I would get some counselling and deal with this before having kids yourself. Kids are hard work and they need a mother who has dealt with her own problems before having them. At 21 you have a few years to build up your career, get your own physical and mental health in a good place, save a bit of money and do some traveling before marriage and kids come along.

I have relatives around your age that are just coming to the end of there degrees or in there 1st jobs. I would say the same to them if they were talking about getting married or having kids within a few years. My relatives are doing exams or getting settled in there 1st jobs, making new friends and going on holidays and enjoying life.

I had a friend who got engaged around your age and she wanted to try for kids shortly after she got married a few years later. 6 weeks before the wedding he called it off because he did not want to get married. She had put him and his needs first for year's. She moved to where he got work and did temp work before she got a permanent job. She was very upset when this happened but after a few months she realised he was not the right man for her. She started to go out with friends, went on a few holidays and enjoyed her life.

A few years later she met another man and she was honest early on that in time she wanted marriage and kid's. They got married and waited a few years before having kids as they both wanted to build up there careers and savings before having kids.
They are now married about 18 years with a 14 & 12 year old.
They had some hard times due to different things but they were on the same page, wanted the same things and were willing to work together to deal with and improve certain situations.

Some time the most adult thing to do is end a relationship after a few years when you realise that you and him want different things long term. I have seen couples getting married and having kids that should never have gotten married. They end up missable and the kids are caught in the crossfire or listening to parents constantly fighting. Then they break up and the kids are going from one place to another.
It not fair on either person and it can be very hard for the kids as well.

You’re so young I would go explore the world yourself for the first half of your twenties at least before thinking about children

I think its fair to say that you are both young and a lot could change in the future.
However, you know what you don't want, and it seems to be the route he wants to take, which makes you incompatible at this point in your lives.
Don't stay with him waiting for him to choose a life that works for you at some point. It's not fair to put that on any relationship. Wish him well for now and move on. If in 5 years time he has done his stint in the marines and is happy to move on to different things and is still thinking about you, he can get back in touch then. Spend the next few years doing what you need to do to get the life you want. Do your degree, qualify, work, be happy. If you find in 5 years time you are still thinking of him you can see where he is in his life and whether that fits with what you are looking for. But in all honesty, I think you will both find you take very different paths in life and it just wasn't meant to be. It's sad, but neither of you will be happy if you stunt yourselves for the other person.
Good luck, and I hope you are OK.