Boyfriend wants to join the marines, but our futures no longer align

[Huneybearz]

Me (21F) and my boyfriend (21M) have been together now for 3 years now. Our whole relationship we’ve talked about our future, what we want, how many years we expect to be together before marriage, all the fun stuff. I’ve made it very clear that what I want in my future is a 2 parent household with both parents actively in our children’s life, not missing any important details of their childhood, and a stable partner, there for me emotionally, physically, just to be my rock. I’ve been thru a lot in my childhood, and I feel having a control over making sure my children’s lives are better than mine was, would heal me. He’s been aware of that, and agreed to a life like that with me due to us having similar values in that sense.

Now a few weeks ago he came to me, told me he wanted to do four years in the army, and he would be doing something safe, promises of coming home every night, and being there for me and our future family. I was taken aback as he had never mentioned the military, and I can’t necessarily say I was happy, but I agreed. Now he’s coming to me saying it’s his dream to be in the marines. He wants to be in the field. He’s not going to be home every night. And I just broke. Tried to compromise, there appears to be no solution. This is really what he wants to do, and he wants to start this whole little journey off married. Granted I already knew the question would be being popped soon, just not so happy about the circumstances it’ll be popped under. Among other things marriage is a commitment, a promise. And it feels like there won’t even be a honey moon. I’m at the point in my life where I want to get married soon and have kids in a few years. However I can’t necessarily see myself being happy if my husband isn’t around, if he’s missing their first steps or first words, or miss that first day of school. It would break me. The moving around constantly would break me. But I love him. Everyone around me has told me even though I love him he’s not thinking about me, he’s not thinking about our future, and that I need to leave him and put myself first. That if he won’t come to a compromise, about OUR future I need to just leave and focus on me. But I can’t wrap my head around it. That’s the main issue in our relationship and I’ve been dreading anything he talks about marine, his fyp being all propaganda, it’s just a trigger for me, and I can’t help it bc I see myself being so miserable. I feel terrible. I feel like a terrible partner because he makes it out to be me not supporting his dreams. But what about my dreams ? What about my values?

I just need advice. Did anyone else feel like this and still stay and it ended up being happily ever after? Am I overthinking it?

The army and Royal Marines are different. Both of course need a high standard but when you said Marines, whole different level.
I'm guessing it was get in the army comment.

Yes, he will need to go wherever he's positioned, whether UK or abroad and will not ne home every night.

Jeez, with all the sympathy in the world. Cut loose. I joined at 17, the marines at my trade school were dicks, thought they were god almighty etc.

You’ve got lots of work to do before you’re ready to have children, with or without this man. You need to do the work to heal, and you need to establish yourself as much as you can in a reasonable job so that you can support yourself and your children, it’s a fundamental part of being a parent.

You also won’t be ‘broken’ if your future husband misses first steps etc - it’s pretty normal for working parents (and you need at least one, to meet your responsibility to your children) to miss seeing some milestones in person.

OP said 4 years not me

I would browse the Internet. There are many forums, charaties etc run my military wives that can tell you what life is really like, married to the military. Worth a look. I hope you manage to fulfill your dreams together. Good luck

Who knows? Why do people start threads like this and then not come back?

Answers on a postcard...

he is a roofer. I am in college studying for my nursing degree and currently looking into rbt/cna training to get my foot in similar fields. His family; they support him. According to him his dad tried to force him into the military at 18, his father saying "it was my dream as a child and i didn't get to do so, so live my dream for me" HIs family has been trying to convince him to breakup with me since we got together (and if you're genuinely curious as to why, it's because they said a woman like me doesnt typically go for a man like him so i must have bad intentions) so they've told him if im not supportive im not what he wants in a wife anyways. No idea why he didn't just go then before we ran into each other again. My family; not so supportive. They think the whole military thing is silly, and i should leave, as they say "hes being selfish and only thinking of himself yet still wanting me to marry now" And keep telling me to pray on it.

My apologies. I am a college student and also trying to study for a few extra certifications. I'm reading over everything now that i actually have time.

I 100% was telling him im supportive of four years but am unsure if i can do it for 20 years. If he wants me to marry him while he goes in I feel like we should be able to compromise because i do want an active partner in my life when its time to have children. ALSO to clarify i do wants children around the ages of 25-26 age not at this current age, because everyone seems to be taking it as i want children now. I want children soon sure because infertility has hit majority of woman in my family at 30 and i worry, but i wasnt saying get married have children all in one year whatsoever.

HE is planning marriage, and is still talking about children. I want to have children when I'm around 25. However is it a crime to worry about being single in marriage, and committing to a life i never once foresaw? Being a single mother in my marriage? I'm worried about what's to come with this change and how it affects me and the future of the dynamic in a family setting. I'm not saying he cant grow but he also cant expect me to drop everything i have and marry into something that also doesnt match my future. I see what youre saying but please dont make it out to seem like im telling him to put a ring on my finger and inpregnate me.

Thank you. You're one of the few who can see where im coming from.

What exactly did i map out? That I want a good family dynamic? That i want stability? I'm only 21. I dont have my life figured out, but i do have ideas for what sort of values and dynamics i need/want for my future

@Huneybearz

Which qualification will you have when you complete your nursing degree, OP?

I don't plan on having children as soon as i get married. I plan on having children about 4-5 years after i do. But if hes doing 20 years i'm not sure thats how i want my experience to be. I have nothing figured out except for the fact that when it is time for me to have children, they have a two parent household. I don't want to be married and still not have a father figure in my children's lives, raising them by myself, and always being the bad guy bc I'm the one whos constantly discipline and he's the "fun guy" whos back home with presents.

Well I bet he's saying he wants to get married first: it's win-win for him to have someone keeping the home fires burning while he's out there living his best life!

But honestly, you're both so, so young. Neither of you can be expected to know what you want from life - you have so little to go on. How do you know what else is out there, who you are, what you life, what you want? So much changes in our 20s. He needs to be out there experiencing and trying out different things and people, finding out who he is, and so do you.

This man, and this relationship, and any potential children with him are NOT the way out of your negative past. I mean, they can be but you'd be storing up a whole lot of trouble if anything goes wrong (anything!) not just for you but also for those future children. You need to be a whole and well person on your own before you can go about finding a life partner who matches you. Why make your wellbeing so dependent on a 21yo man who wants something else more than he wants you?

You sound like a lovely young woman, working hard to build a stable life for yourself and your children. He doesn't sound like he wants the same thing. He wants to be away from you, doing something incompatible with a stable home life. I'm afraid that's all there is to it.

It’s unlikely he’ll pass the selection process and will probably end up in a normal job where he does come home every night. However, you’re 21. It doesn’t sound as if your personalities and goals are the same anymore so just move on would be my advice.

Being a military wife isn’t easy, what you have described as wanting from a family unit, 2 parent household will not happen. It’s so much harder than you can ever anticipate being left with the children all the time. It would also be really really hard to balance your job as a nurse if shift working unless you have a really good support network.
You aren’t unreasonable for wanting the life you want, and he’s not for wanting his. It just sounds like the relationship has run its course.

Definitely don’t get married. Tbh I think this relationship has run its course.

You’re 21. That’s so young. Don’t get married but go chase your individual dreams. You never know what might happen.

I got married at 33 and had my first child at 35. That’s half a liftetime away for you.

you’re far too young to “settle” and have kids. Go do what you both want to do and worry about it in the future.

My husband and I had been together a similar amount of time (met at uni) when he announced out of the blue he was thinking of joining the military. Unlike him my grandparents were in the military and one of my parents grew up as an army child. I also grew up surrounded by army families as there’s a lot of army camps nearby. So I was under no illusions as to what being a military wife would involve. Same as you I was not thrilled at the prospect.

I encouraged him to join the cadets at uni and give it a try before committing to the idea. He did join and gave it a try for our final year at uni. Although he enjoyed some aspects of his time as a cadet he quickly decided it wasn’t the career for him after getting a small taste of the reality.

That was almost a decade ago now and he’s thankful he decided against it. We’re still together, married with kids both working in office jobs.

I never laid it down as an ultimatum but I privately decided if he continued with his plan we would go our separate ways as it was not a lifestyle I was keen on for the same reasons as you.

In all of this chaos, why dont you put yourself first, you matter too, don't forget that. You should contin̈ue with your nursing degree and he can do what he wants to do. If you are meant to be together, you will, but never give up everything you want, because he wants to fulfill his dreams. You both deserve to do what makes you happy.l recognise its such a difficult decision, bit if you dont follow your dreams, you just may end up resenting him...l wish you lots of luck.

You're babies, and whether or not he agreed with all your future plans to begin with, he's obviously changed his mind and fair play to him. First heartbreak is hard, but I don't think this is the relationship for you.

I was engaged at 21 to a Canadian soldier who u met in London when he was on leave. Ended up living 6 months with him in Canada and thank god I didn’t marry him. He was posted all over the world and had affairs, cheated on his girlfriends. He never cheated whilst he was with me though. I luckily kept in touch with one of my London friends who wrote and told me I was too young to get married. So I broke off the engagement and returned to London.

You’re way too young to be settling down and he wants his marines career and to travel and have you waiting at home. Your career and studying would probably end if you live on base or whatever the term is.

Oh by the way, looking back now I knew I’d be divorced if I had married him and back in UK with kids or not.

Why shouldn't a 21 year old be 'selfish' and only
think of themselves when considering their career/ work plans. I think it's crazy to have to consider a gf or bf at this life stage and abandon your aspirations/ career goals for someone else.