Slightly worried about DD’s lack of independence

[Capslocksmith]

DD is 15 and generally a lovely girl with whom I have a fantastic relationship. She’s an only child and I was on my own for most of her life (now living with her and DP who she gets on with). We’ve always been very close and that bond has remained into her teenage years. In most ways I feel extremely grateful. She’s bright, funny (usually) respectful and kind and doesn’t give me anything to worry about.

But I am starting to be concerned that we might almost be too close. Its very normal for teenagers to pull away from their parents and establish their own bonds and identities. She seems to have no interest in doing this really.

She has school friends, one close friend and a good broader friendship group. As far as I know there are no tensions and no signs of difficulty but she seems sort of uninterested in them and usually prefers to hang around with me.

To give an example: next week is half term and I am working most of the week so I am encouraging her to make arrangements to hang out with her friends. A small group of them are going to the cinema next week and I suggested she go and offered to pay for the tickets but she said she would rather wait and go with me?

At one level I love this. I realise I am lucky to have a nice, biddable and respectful teenager which I know isn’t always the case. At another a) it’s slightly annoying because it puts pressure on me to try to wangle time off work and sort out which she knows is hard, when there’s a perfectly good alternative. It also slightly worries me that at 15 she would rather hang out with her mum than a group of close peers, particularly when there’s no cost.

I have been trying to encourage her to sort more social stuff out and be more proactive about arrangements with friends and she does do stuff with them but more often than not she prefers to do it with me.

Should I be worried? Or is she just a late developer?

I have a similar worry op - I have a similar relationship yo my dd (17) and don’t want to stunt her independence. We’ve all had a tough time (2 older brothers) and their dad doesn’t talk to them any more so it’s just us and I think she views home and our relationship as safe but I don’t want her to rely too much on me. I do try to make sure I don’t treat her like my best friend, and I’m clear I’m her mum first but I understand your thinking. I just guess that when the time is right they’ll spread their wings - we’re just safe for now!

I was sort of like this; keep giving the opportunities whilst cherishing the bond. I found my feet more at uni age.

I’m sorry you have had such a tough time.

I can relate to the feeling of having to provide “safety”.

I have been the one constant in DD’s life. Her dad is around but not reliable and there was some DV when she was a toddler. She trusts my partner but they are not super close. She was very traumatised by the death of my dad four years ago. Much better now but she was seeing a counsellor after his death and the counsellor felt she needed a lot of security.

I am happy to provide that to her: of course I am. But I want her to be able to build close relationships with people other than me too.

Will she be going to university soon? That should help.

It's odd that she wants to see the film with you instead of with her mates though. I'd be tempted not to go with her - will she go with her friends then, or just not bother?

She’s 15 so still a few years away from university.

I have said I can’t go to the cinema so will have to see what happens.

Its quite frustrating. I have (gently) talked to her about needing to be more proactive and not assume that I am the default person for everything.

I am also a bit worried that she is being socially isolated but doesn’t want to tell me. I have had no evidence of this but it seems odd.

I could have written this about my DD14 OP. Also a single mum for most of her life, only child and I know she doesn’t feel “safe” mentally on the infrequent occasions she goes to her dad’s…Drawing from the similarities with your family set up, I think that’s our answer—they feel safe with us. Not sure how to build up her sense of security so she feels able to detach…

How long has your new partner lived with you and how long had you been together before he moved in?

Being a single parent and only having you for most of her life is a difficult adjustment as a young teenager, withban unreliable father and your bereavement, she may have abandonment issues.

Do you and your partner ever go out together, eg the cinema, without her?

We’ve been together seven years. She met him a year in. We have lived together two years.

Moving someone in to the household at 13 is massively disruptive, especially as your daughter was/is struggling with losing your dad.

I know you say it is difficult to get time off work to go to the cinema, for example, with her but do you have a set time each week where you do actively do something with just her? Such as every Sunday afternoon you go white water rafting, not just hang out.

Sounds similar to my 14 year old. Sometimes she will suggest “lunch dates” with me. She then talks and talks and talks, in the way that teenage girls do. It’s pretty exhausting to be honest….. the pace of the chat. She does want to spend more time with school friends but they’re quite sheltered themselves (my DD isn’t to be fair) but can’t socialise with them at the weekends if they’re busy with their families or dancing etc. It’s Easter and I know she will be suggesting some walks together etc. It is sweet really, just try and make the most of it 🩷.

I was the same with my mum loved the girly time 😂.

It’s all “normal” now. We are definitely not enmeshed. The fact that you’re aware about such dynamics makes it unlikely to happen to be honest. You’re not putting your needs ahead of hers and she is the one suggesting it.

I think this is something you need to relax about and allow to happen organically. You are the safe, secure constant in your daughter’s life, and at the moment that is what she wants and needs. That may always be the case to some degree, eg over time you will probably remain particularly close but she will also have other good relationships in her life. Being close to you and able to trust you absolutely will give her confidence and security, and that will help her whole life. You are obviously doing a good job as a Mum, it would be much more worrying having a troubled young teenager who you didn’t see much of and who didn’t confide in you or want to talk to you. By staying close she is actually being sensible, feeling her secure base that she will be able to move out from when she is ready.

My 14 year old is like this and had no significant upheavals.
I am married to her dad and she has two brothers.
she has two close friends and hobbies but would rather be with me. I find the same OP, it’s a lot of pressure. I was at work today and it’s the first day of the holidays (she came to work with me and then wanted to go to Starbucks together)
I wasn’t close to my mum growing up (we are now) so I’m trying to make the most of it.

Yes we spend a lot of the weekend together. We always do something together just the two of us on Saturday or Sunday. I always watch TV with her (just her) every night for half an hour. And my partner is away for work two midweek nights so its just the two of us.

What about time with just your partner @Capslocksmith?

Do you leave her home alone for a few hours at all?

Thanks for your comments all. Its reassuring to know that others have teenagers who are similar.

Do you mean her with just my partner or me?

She has just started to be OK with being left on her own in the evenings for a few hours. Only in the last six months really. I never leave her alone past 11.

My dd14 is similar in some ways. She’s our only child and we are incredibly close. She lives with me and her dad. She loves hanging out with me (I don’t know why- but it might be the nice cafes/ shopping trips and expensive concerts 😭). She is very socially motivated though, but also loves doing stuff with me (we’ve had the cinema situation where she’s said no with friends as it’s a film I’d like to see too). Just today she finished school half day and went into town with friends. I was working but she text to ask if she could meet other friends to go for pizza (and could I send her money!) this evening (no problem). She said tonight after she got back ‘thanks mum for letting me go for pizza. Sorry I wasn’t here when you got back. I feel like I haven’t seen you today’. told her she didn’t need to apologise. I wonder if dd feels like she’s obligated to be with me. That’s not the case at all. I have friends, hobbies etc , but I think it’s a reflection of our very close relationship. We do lots together. Going off tomorrow on holiday with her and her cousin. Can’t wait!
your dd sounds lovely. My dd is a dream- does have her teenage moments but they’re short lived. I am biased of course. Enjoy it

Yes I feel the same. I wasn’t close to my mum and I love that she trusts me. But I want her to gently spread her wings a bit.

My feeling is don't worry too much now, just be that steady constant and do nice things with her, but don't overdo it, or try to push her away with friends, because she will cling tighter. Just say 'that's a shame, I won't be able to go to the cinema' and then leave it, she'll either go with friends or she won't. I don't think any amount of pushing will get her more independent, and at 15, where are you pushing her to- do you want her to hang out at the park, or round someone's house drinking, that's what one of mine was doing at this age and it gave me grey hairs. I think as she goes to college or sixth form or gets a job at 16, there will be one natural step towards independence, and then if and when she leaves home to go to university or move out, there's another. I think the more reassuring and calm you are about it, the more she will feel confident to go out into the world.

One of mine has been extremely like this, but over time, she's managed to launch into the world, we still chat a lot and we still get on very well but I no longer worry she'll be living with me when she's 30!

I get that OP has asked for opinions, but I think it’s so unfair to label it as “odd” when you know nothing about OP’s child. In a similar situation I checked with my DD if they wouldn’t rather go to the cinema with their friends instead of me and the answer was no, because her friends talk too much/go on their phones/are never away from the toilet/generally dick about and she would rather actually watch the movie. That’s not “odd”. 😏

My mum was my best friend in my teens, I felt safe and accepted with her. I’d even go along to do boring stuff like go to Tesco. I would have chosen hanging out with my mum nearly every single time at that age, and thank god I did, because I lost her when I was 28. I have so many memories of just passing time with her (watching Poirot on Sunday nights with tea and biscuits, chatting about books, talking about her childhood) and being blissfully happy and at ease. All tiny things but they shaped me and made me a good mum (I think). My siblings were more sociable and were out most evenings and weekends with their mates, I just wasn’t that fussed about hanging around in parks, drinking cheap cider and being felt up by spotty boys.

You are also perhaps underestimating what she's been through but also what she's seen you go through, which is DV, death of her dad and the new partner moving in which even if she likes him is a threat to her primary relationship which is with you. She is also keeping her eyes on you, as well as you on her.

I think 15 is a slightly strange time to try to launch her into independence, plenty of girls and some boys are still quite home-based at this time, and although they may have friends, they may not quite have found their people yet, and that's probably why she isn't that keen to socialise out of school that much.

I honestly think it's fine to leave her well bonded with you for now, and as she sees opportunities or suggests things, allow her to lead with that rather than you suggesting things (I'm sure she's thought of how she could hang out with her friends if she wanted).

Does she have a weekend job or hobby that encourages independence for a few hours a week? If not, might be a good idea to encourage? You have a decent runway before university years (if she goes) but you want her to gradually become less dependent on you to make that transition easier later.

I was like this and so was my eldest son - he's now 17 and at the pub with his mates. I realise it's a lot of pressure on your free time but many parents I know WISH their teenagers would hang out with them.

I think it's important you go at her pace - gently encourage her to go out with her friends but don't push it. By hanging out with you she's learning social skills in a safe space - how to make conversation, make other people feel comfortable and entertained, how to be herself, etc. Many teens are poor at talking and eye contact so you'll be a good role model. When she's ready, she'll be excellent company and a good friend to her peers.

Sounds like she's on her way to becoming more independent. If she's only recently started being happy home alone of an evening for a few hours, given she has had a lot happening in her pre to early teen years, imo you're both doing fine.

Just keep encouraging her to socialise with her friends, even if that means they all do movie night at your house with pizza and snacks.