Slightly worried about DD’s lack of independence

[Capslocksmith]

DD is 15 and generally a lovely girl with whom I have a fantastic relationship. She’s an only child and I was on my own for most of her life (now living with her and DP who she gets on with). We’ve always been very close and that bond has remained into her teenage years. In most ways I feel extremely grateful. She’s bright, funny (usually) respectful and kind and doesn’t give me anything to worry about.

But I am starting to be concerned that we might almost be too close. Its very normal for teenagers to pull away from their parents and establish their own bonds and identities. She seems to have no interest in doing this really.

She has school friends, one close friend and a good broader friendship group. As far as I know there are no tensions and no signs of difficulty but she seems sort of uninterested in them and usually prefers to hang around with me.

To give an example: next week is half term and I am working most of the week so I am encouraging her to make arrangements to hang out with her friends. A small group of them are going to the cinema next week and I suggested she go and offered to pay for the tickets but she said she would rather wait and go with me?

At one level I love this. I realise I am lucky to have a nice, biddable and respectful teenager which I know isn’t always the case. At another a) it’s slightly annoying because it puts pressure on me to try to wangle time off work and sort out which she knows is hard, when there’s a perfectly good alternative. It also slightly worries me that at 15 she would rather hang out with her mum than a group of close peers, particularly when there’s no cost.

I have been trying to encourage her to sort more social stuff out and be more proactive about arrangements with friends and she does do stuff with them but more often than not she prefers to do it with me.

Should I be worried? Or is she just a late developer?

You take their lead.

DD1 is 18 and only really pulled away at 17 and now, at 18, we’re still really close.

dtds are 14 (year 10 at school) and still very close wanting to hang with me and dh a lot. We’re happy and like being together. The go out with friends and dh and I encourage it, always being flexible around last minute plans etc but most weekends they want to hang with us. They’re happy.

i know i was off out all the time at 14 but i guess they’re in touch with friends on their phones which i didn’t have until later.

i definitely wouldn’t push dd away to make them more independent. Plenty of time for that!

So I think being close is lovely. Her being overly dependant on you isn’t. I think there is a difference here.

Some parents who have gone through really awful splits (you mentioned DV) overly rely on their children and have an ‘us against the world mentality’. This can put subtle pressure on the child to support the parent even if they don’t mean it. She may be subconsciously afraid to leave you.

Add onto that her leaving her father, you introducing someone else into her life and the loss of her beloved grandfather and I would suggest she is subconsciously anxious and making sure you say constant for her.

Draw lines about the movie and keep encouraging her. She will need to be Independant and needs to start to learn this now. The shock of leaving home for uni could be detrimental so it’s important for her to psychologically feel some independence.

I am in only child and my dad died in my early teens, whilst I had a fairly active social life in my teens I do have a dependent relationship with my mum, I spent a lot of time with her as a teen, and this dependency became more apparent, ironically when I moved two hours away for work in my 20s.

Maybe this is based on my experience but I get the impression that there is an added depth of closeness of only children of single parents.

Hi op i have a similar situation with our son he is probably autistic and prefers to spend his weekends with us than ever see any friends from school in fact he hasn't had any friends from school to speak of for years. I don't worry about him anymore really he just prefers socialising with adults. Yes it puts more pressure on us but he's a lovely kid and we love his company.

I wonder whether you feel pressure to spend more time with your dp so that is part of the drive to help you dd become more independent? Conversely I wonder if your dp moving in amd your father dying have made you dd cling to you more?

15 year old girls who spend time with their friends aren't drinking cider, smoking splifs and snogging boys. Well most aren't!

At that age DD and her friends liked taking the bus into town, shopping, ice skating, going to the cinema, having a coffee, walking round the village, studying together. And spending time with their mums.

OP - I don't think there's anything wrong with your DD, just pointing out that some teens can socialise healthily.

Is that the only activity she does out of school?

It doesn't seem a lot - maybe she needs to be a bit busier?

Specifically I wonder about an activity that offers the opportunity to go away without you - scouts or guides is good for this but often drama or music groups also do a week away.

She studies an instrument and learns a language but she doesn’t do anything else “social”. She did do a weekly club until last year but she started to enjoy it less and I didn’t want to force her to do it.

I would like her to be more social too but she’s approaching GCSEs and I don’t want to overload her.

I’m completely aware of that and that’s what I want for her and am trying to encourage. She does do this a bit but not as much as I would like.

I’m sure that’s true, particularly when you have a single parent and an only child.

My DD has only really started to want to hang out with her friends, unless it was at their house for a birthday party or something, in the past couple of months - she’s 16 1/2. She really loves hanging out in town with her friends now. Don’t rush her!

I wouldn't worry too much. Things often change massively during 6th form. Many enter as children and leave as young adults. There's a difference though between preferring your company and being afraid of facing the world without you. It sounds more like the former but it would be worth checking that she doesn't need any support building confidence with things like arranging appointments, talking to the school herself etc. I'd focus more on this side of independence rather than less time together. It sounds like your relationship has given her a fabulous basis to launch from.

I see my daughter in you @ThinkingAbout2026. How did you cope/what made things better for you?

These children have been through a pandemic, remember. They’ll be fine. Just enjoy them - they will be doing their own thing soon enough.

Is it possible she finds school social stuff tiring and wants the holiday as a break from it?

Well that’s a bizarre take! 🤣

I think there is an element of this. She’s working quite hard for GCSEs and is very self motivated.

Again, not a bad thing. But everyone needs fun in their life and I don’t want to be the only source of that.

You can't force her to hang out with her friends if she'd rather not. I'm also not sure why you'd need time off work to take her to the cinema?

I would assume things will change as she goes to sixth form/FE and or Uni. She's still young and she'll probably rebel in a couple years and not want to be seen dead with you!

What a thoughtful and intelligently constructed post.

Yeah this isn't a good thing she needs her own life. Part of being a parent is teaching independence and teaching them to be able to cope with life without you. If my 30 year old son or daughter still lived at home with no intentions of leaving and starting their own life I'd feel like i failed them.

Just for balance. I was an only child of a single mum and I was not at all like your daughter. I was a very typical teen that wanted to be out with my friends all the time. That’s not to say we weren’t close or that I didn’t enjoy spending any time with her. I absolutely did but I also relished increased independence.

I’m just saying the above because a lot has been made of only children/single parents on this thread which may lead you feeling a bit guilty about her circumstances. There will be kids out there from nuclear families that are like your dd and kids (like I was) who are only children of single parents that are nothing like your DD.

For what it's worth, I think she sounds really under loaded not over loaded.

I am an introvert and did way more than that as a teen despite exams.

If she was a bit busier, she would do a bit less clinging to you

Thank you. Yes of course the family configuration doesn’t define your personality or social behaviour.

But I do think when its basically the two of you for years it does build a very close bond.

Hmmm I'm not sure I agree with this: she's got a lot on at the moment: she has a music lesson and a language lesson at the week plus volunteering, homework and what social stuff she does do. She's usually pretty tired by the weekend. I understand that it would be nice if one of these activities was social, but she opted out of the social thing she did do (aside from the volunteering). She did do guides but it became too complicated to get to from here.

The music and the language were her choice and she enjoys both of them. If she identified something she wanted to do I would support it but I don't feel that signing up to something additional and signing off something she enjoys just to tick that box would necessarily help.

It all costs quite a lot of money and involves organisation from me and I'm very busy.

I will discuss it with her as I do think something social could be beneficial but I don't want to force it.

I would be grateful that she is not filming self to camera videos on tiktok in her bedroom at night, and not chasing followers. You've got a win. If she is still like this at 25, then you may have something to think seriously about. She'll stretch her legs at university.

Yes I'm definitely grateful for that! She's not on social media at all (other than WhatsApp) and she's pretty contemptuous of that.