Slightly worried about DD’s lack of independence

[Capslocksmith]

DD is 15 and generally a lovely girl with whom I have a fantastic relationship. She’s an only child and I was on my own for most of her life (now living with her and DP who she gets on with). We’ve always been very close and that bond has remained into her teenage years. In most ways I feel extremely grateful. She’s bright, funny (usually) respectful and kind and doesn’t give me anything to worry about.

But I am starting to be concerned that we might almost be too close. Its very normal for teenagers to pull away from their parents and establish their own bonds and identities. She seems to have no interest in doing this really.

She has school friends, one close friend and a good broader friendship group. As far as I know there are no tensions and no signs of difficulty but she seems sort of uninterested in them and usually prefers to hang around with me.

To give an example: next week is half term and I am working most of the week so I am encouraging her to make arrangements to hang out with her friends. A small group of them are going to the cinema next week and I suggested she go and offered to pay for the tickets but she said she would rather wait and go with me?

At one level I love this. I realise I am lucky to have a nice, biddable and respectful teenager which I know isn’t always the case. At another a) it’s slightly annoying because it puts pressure on me to try to wangle time off work and sort out which she knows is hard, when there’s a perfectly good alternative. It also slightly worries me that at 15 she would rather hang out with her mum than a group of close peers, particularly when there’s no cost.

I have been trying to encourage her to sort more social stuff out and be more proactive about arrangements with friends and she does do stuff with them but more often than not she prefers to do it with me.

Should I be worried? Or is she just a late developer?

Tell DD that she should go to the cinema twice.
It's nice to hang about and have hot chocolate and chips and discuss films with friends.

It will be interesting for you to hear what they all think of the film.

I am genuinely trying to be helpful not snarky but two non physical hobbies and school shouldn't be that tiring for a healthy teen. Is she ok physically? Iron deficiency maybe? Or is she a bit depressed?

I've done this. I told her today she needs to go with X and Y next week as I'll be working and that I will pay for the tickets/extras but she needs to take responsibility for the planning etc.

She's perfectly capable of enjoying herself with friends when things get organised.

It's more that her default expectation is that she will do things like this with me and she gets frustrated or nonplussed if I can't/don't want to go.

She asked me yesterday to do something with her next Thursday at lunchtime "if you can get off work": I just looked at her and said: "let's think this through: when have I ever been able to do things at noon on a Thursday during the working week?" and she snapped at me and accused me of being unkind. It's as if she's a bit in denial about it. I'd previously sat her down and talked to her about organising stuff on her own last week so it shouldn't have come as a surprise, but it seems not to be getting through.

I adore hanging out with her but I wish she had the maturity to recognise that my work means she needs to be more proactive about reaching out to friends and planning to do things with them. It's not just that I want her to be more independent, it's also that needing me for everything creates yet another long list of things for me to do when I'm already drowning in things I need to do for work and makes me resentful. I feel guilty about having to work FT but it is what it is.

Haven't rtft but my girls (22 and 18 this year) are very similar. Like you it concerns me, but I'm their safe person (exh was abusive) and I think they'll always want to be close which is lovely. Luckily both are on their uni/career paths so that's positive, though the eldest rings constantly but at least she's there. At 15 I could easily have written this thread and still could! I think as long as it's driven by them and we're encouraging them to spread their wings, we can do no more.

@Clogblog

I am genuinely trying to be helpful not snarky but two non physical hobbies and school shouldn't be that tiring for a healthy teen. Is she ok physically? Iron deficiency maybe? Or is she a bit depressed?

Look I don't know what to tell you really: there isn't anything else she wants to do.

She's fine physically. She hates organised sports, so any king of sports club is going to be a no no. Definitely not depressed: I've seen her depressed in the past and she's on good form at the moment. She likes swimming but had to stop that because she wasn't good enough to compete and after a certain age swimming clubs are oriented around competition.

Do you think I should force the issue and make her do something like Guides or go to a youth club? I'm genuinely open to the idea if this is the solution. But for financial reasons it would have to come at the expense of one of the hobbies she does enjoy, so I'm loathe to do it unless its something I think she is going to stick at.

I do think it has changed. Teenagers now have so much invisible pressure that I didn’t experience, as a late 70s/ 80s teen. Social media, being constantly accessible, even your friends always knowing where you are via Snapchat, it’s sometimes nice but often overwhelming. My youngest is 18, 19 soon, and she does meet up with friends, get trains to the city (we live very rurally) and do independent things, but she still needs a lot of support with day to day stuff and is quite anxious at times. My eldest is 21 but also gets very anxious and still needs some support, even though she is away at university. Year by year she is getting more self reliant, and she is fine getting trains or planes alone, but gets overwhelmed by general life admin. I think we all probably felt like that in our teens and early twenties but also felt we had to be independent.
So I think I didn’t lean as much on my parents because the feeling socially was that it just wasn’t done. My mum and dad were kind and caring, I could have leant on them more, I just felt I had to be an adult at 18. It’s also easier for teenagers now to be in constant touch by WhatsApp , and I think that’s a good thing. As humans we have evolved to be interdependent, I think there is actually too much focus on making children independent, when we should just support them in being resilient, which isn’t the same thing .

I would check that there is no issues with friends e.g they talk about sex and boys and she is uncomfortable with it, or they talk about Oxbridge but she doesn’t feel it’s for her and she can contribute or they are doing jokes about her weight/ clothes/ mock results etc etc.
If there is no issue I would be more proactive in helping her to organise things to do without you. Sort of small steps approach. The vibe should be : you love to do things with her, absolutely love but unfortunately can’t as you are at work. Give her a very positive “no”.

By the way I think your remark about Thursday lunchtime was a bit sarcastic so she was right not liking it. Your DD is probably very good in spotting your emotions because of your really close bond.

I have asked if everything is OK on the friendship front and she says its fine but possibly worth interrogating a bit more.

I probably shouldn’t have reacted as I did about lunchtime on Thursday. I guess a) I resent having to work as much as I do anyway so it’s a bit of a sore spot and b) It slightly frustrated me that after we had had a conversation about organising things under her own steam and knowing I had to work that she would ask me that.

I do try to do things with her when I possibly can.

Build in the safety around the friend meet ups.
So she goes out with her friends to the cinema but you get her in town after work to go and get something to eat.

Or she goes shopping with her friends, you give her money and a small list of stuff you need her to pick up for you.

Just small ways, that she can connect with you while still being with her friends.

Your child, so your choice clearly

But I do think exercise is important for a healthy life and my approach with my kids has been to insist they do something physically active outside school. One loves organised competitive sport, the other prefers yoga/martial arts.

Personally I would also push her to do something social - which obviously could be exercise related but doesn't have to be.

There is an enormous amount of variation between people and you know her and I don't but I find it a bit weird that she is tired at the weekends when it doesn't sound like she is very active at all. I am in my 40s and more active and less tired.

I wouldn’t push her towards guides or a youth club. I was asked to come along to a Christian youth group when I was 15 and though I didn’t like it I ended up getting off with a boy I knew vaguely and didn’t return.

I’d be firmer with her going out though, whether shopping/hot drinks or cinema or indeed swimming.

She does do some exercise: she runs with me every weekend and we play badminton. Plus exercise at school. But she finds competitive sports intimidating and dislikes the culture around it: she was picked on in team sports at school so she avoids it like the plague. I think she would react quite badly if I took away the hobbies she does enjoy in favour of pushing her into an environment which she actively avoids.

Maybe I will think about pushing a social activity though.

My DD2 is very similar. Now age 21 and at university, which is going well. She went on a long haul flight alone last year and sat on the plane cuddling her childhood cuddly toy! She was travelling to go
to a student exchange at a university abroad, which she found incredibly tough and did not much enjoy. One of her biggest worries beforehand was that she was sharing a room with another placement student and they might steal her cuddly toy (nobody would - it is filthy because she will not wash the toy). Anyway, I had to buy an AirTag for the toy!

The point of my story is she is a lovely girl but very immature emotionally. In her case, I think it is due to ADHD and autism.

I think you just have to go with it OP. Your DD will get there in the end. But it would certainly help you if you could understand the cause - the suggestion many PPs have made sounds plausible.

She could play badminton with a friend?

I’ve just thought, this might work, take her and a friend shopping and then go off for a coffee by yourself for eg an hour and then meet up with them again to prepare for journey home.

Would she do escape rooms, bowling, roller disco? Ice skating? I regularly ice skated every Saturday with friends locally.

It’s always worth interrogating a bit more but really carefully 😆

My DD is older teen and she never says that something wrong it’s like following rare clues, she doesn’t like upset me, once my worrying emotions are out she shuts up.
By the way it doesn’t mean that they are bad friends maybe more like your DD hasn’t found her tribe yet as the choice is limited.