Slightly worried about DD’s lack of independence

[Capslocksmith]

DD is 15 and generally a lovely girl with whom I have a fantastic relationship. She’s an only child and I was on my own for most of her life (now living with her and DP who she gets on with). We’ve always been very close and that bond has remained into her teenage years. In most ways I feel extremely grateful. She’s bright, funny (usually) respectful and kind and doesn’t give me anything to worry about.

But I am starting to be concerned that we might almost be too close. Its very normal for teenagers to pull away from their parents and establish their own bonds and identities. She seems to have no interest in doing this really.

She has school friends, one close friend and a good broader friendship group. As far as I know there are no tensions and no signs of difficulty but she seems sort of uninterested in them and usually prefers to hang around with me.

To give an example: next week is half term and I am working most of the week so I am encouraging her to make arrangements to hang out with her friends. A small group of them are going to the cinema next week and I suggested she go and offered to pay for the tickets but she said she would rather wait and go with me?

At one level I love this. I realise I am lucky to have a nice, biddable and respectful teenager which I know isn’t always the case. At another a) it’s slightly annoying because it puts pressure on me to try to wangle time off work and sort out which she knows is hard, when there’s a perfectly good alternative. It also slightly worries me that at 15 she would rather hang out with her mum than a group of close peers, particularly when there’s no cost.

I have been trying to encourage her to sort more social stuff out and be more proactive about arrangements with friends and she does do stuff with them but more often than not she prefers to do it with me.

Should I be worried? Or is she just a late developer?

I think it’s quite normal nowadays. I work in MH and there are a lot of young (18-22) year olds who are best friends with their parents. There’s so much pressure on young adults, social media doesn’t help. I think they’re becoming more polarised. We either hear about 13 year olds on TikTok trying to get 56 year old men to send them handbags or 16 year olds who still sleep in their mums bed. It’s such an unsettling time for many young people. The trajectory we followed has been shattered really.

Thinking about this, op, I wonder whether the reason we question it is because our upbringing wasn’t safe (mine wasn’t) so providing the level of safety our children deserve feels alien?

Thanks: just to clarify it was my dad who died, not hers. She was upset and traumatised but obviously not at the same level of magnitude.

But yes I hear you. She did have a lot of upheaval in her childhood and I think she craves stability.

Totally. I was very rebellious as a teenager, and looking back I think a lot of this was because my father was an alcoholic.

From the age of about 14 onwards I was desperate to be out of the house at every opportunity, started drinking quite young and had my first boyfriend at 14. I suppose this is a kind of benchmark for me in assessing my daughter’s development but its not a good one.

Ultimately I am glad she’s not like me at this age and I don’t want it for her. Its just that the “template” for teenage behaviour is one you expect them to follow. Maybe its changed completely now.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice but in your case I'd definitely try and encourage her to socialise with those her own age. My sister was exactly the same with our mom and rejected friendships/relationships to be with our mom instead and is still doing it now at 33 living at home. She says she's happy but she's missed out on a lot of personal growth and experiences

Don’t worry. Only children, especially of single parents, prefer adult company. My only is now 30. She went to uni for 4 years and really grew up there. However she now lives with me and has no intention of buying a house at the moment even though she can afford to. She’s has relationships but single now for a long time. Has a high powered job, totally independent but we are best friends.

But surely this is the entire issue.

Having an older child who isn’t yet able to manage her friendships and talk to her own peers about what matters to her, not talking through a film in your case.

It’s akin to parents of very young children who say ‘oh she prefers playing with older children’ like that’s a good thing without realising it’s because older children will accommodate a young child more. Put them at the centre and bend to their wants.

A teenager who wants to do things with their parent because the parent will accommodate them is what the op is concerned about.

I was a bit concerned about this with my daughter, but now she’s in year 11, she’s been going out with friends more and more. She still wants to chat to me for hours when she gets back. Secure base, like others have said. ❤️

my son is 14 and I barely see him 😆 this was the same with my brother and I growing up. Maybe girls are more family oriented or something.

30! I think I would worry about this. Does your daughter have an active social life without you?

That’s great that your dd is happy living with you but it’s not what most people want for their children which is why the OP is thinking about it now when her dd is fifteen and taking steps to encourage her into a more independent adulthood.

15 is a funny age OP, I’d appreciate the closeness for the moment whilst encouraging her to socialise with her peers .. as you’ve been doing.

I bet if you come back on here in a couple of years she’ll be very different.

Also I think, generally speaking, we’re all a lot closer to our teens/adult children.

One of my best friends who doesn’t have kids commented on this … said that I see a lot of my adult DDs, they come round for dinner once a week with their partners and we go to the cinema or shopping frequently.

I would never have done this in my 20s despite loving my mum very much. I spent more time with her in my 30s when I had my own DDs.

I could not have imagined being best friends with my parents and living at home at 30. It’s a dependency really and I’d want my space! It’s normal to come home for a bit after university but loads of dc don’t! They get a job and share a house or flat with friends. I cannot imagine my 30 year old being at home!

My stay at home cousin did eventually marry and it lasted 9 months. Then back home. I’d definitely expect dc to broaden their friendship group.

This is not my experience with teens, but doesn’t mean it is wrong! It does seem rather insular to me, and I would worry that she would be completely lost if something were to happen to me. I’d encourage more independence and also let her see me going out with my friends, having my own social life.

Does she do any activities like Scouts or Guides or anything similar that promotes independence and has some trips away?

Only children, especially of single parents, prefer adult company

I really dislike the othering of only children that takes place on MN.

You sound like an amazing Mum.

I would be encouraging independence as avenues present, while recognising her need for safety at the same time, which is what you seem to be doing.

I’ll be honest though some of the traits that you mentioned like biddable as an example are not ones that translate well to the complexity of adult life, so I’d be encouraging her/ teaching her to stand up for herself when the need arises, which it of course will.

I think losing her granddad has made her aware of your mortality. Maybe she wants to spend so much time with you because she knows the reality of losing someone you love. We never get them back.
I think you and her will be fine @Capslocksmith. You sound super aware of her issues and she sounds a nice girl.

I think the question here is does that poster you quoted have an active social life without their daughter? I see a few mums im friends with extremely close to their adult dds and its usually because their own marriages aren't great and they need a pal to hang out with.

My DD aged 15 is similar. It’s just me and her at home. She sees her dad regularly but things are tough there. She gets quite worried when arranging things with friends and says she’s missing out on time with me. I try to encourage her to do things with her friends and often arrange something with my friends at the same time so she doesn’t feel that she’s abandoned me (her thoughts, not mine - I keep saying it’s normal for her to spend time with her friends). She does seem happy and sociable. It’s reassuring reading of other teens that are similar

Of course and this is why I've posted. I'm just trying to walk a careful line between encouraging independence and making her feel unsafe.

Yes indeed. Thank you.

I have always prioritised maintaining a social life with my own friends and make a point of setting time aside for this. I think its super important to maintain your own adult friendships and not get subsumed into being a family-only person.

I do have three or four really strong friendships.

She volunteers once a week, but again she wants me to come with her every week, which I have mixed feelings about. I enjoy it and do it when I can but I'm starting to try to push her to do it on her own but she's quite reluctant and says she loves the ritual of doing it with me.

Again, I have mixed feelings about this. I enjoy the volunteering too and enjoy the time with her but its early on a weekend morning and I find it slightly frustrating that I have to be roped in every time when I might want to just lie in bed with a book.

A couple of weeks ago she went (reluctantly) on her own on Mother's Day: I made the point that it was a good example to show people she could do it without me. She did do it but I felt a bit of a sense of betrayal.

I wouldn't either. I couldn't get away from my parents fast enough when I was a teen and I didn't really reconnect with them properly until my late 20s: my relationship with my mum was never 100% after that. I was quite a tearaway and looking back probably caused them quite a lot of worry. This is why I'm slightly reluctant to push her to be too independent. I appreciate the fact that she likes time with me, the fact that she doesn't want to go out drinking or hanging out aimlessly and I don't want to signal that I want her to do this. But it would be good if there was a middle ground.

I think the relationship between teens and parents was particularly hard in my era (80s). Our lives were so different from our parents' and we felt this huge urge to push back against it.

Teens today face a much more daunting environment with so much less job security etc, I think they don't have the luxury of having wild and free years any more. Which is sad in some ways but good in others.