Well I’ve finally done it

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

I’ve told husband not to come back after dropping his daughter off at her mum’s tonight. For anyone who has seen my previous threads they’ll understand. He is currently promising he’ll change etc but I just feel numb. He’s saying if he stays away tonight he won’t be back and I do feel ok about it. Then he accused me of throwing his daughter out on the streets.

I just feel so numb

I think you need to reframe this:

• You are remedying things for your kids after being let down by a lying selfish nasty bastard
• it is HE who is disrupting his daughter’s life (and she didn’t help much with her behaviour)
• she can stay with his mother and they can get social housing eventually - she will not be homeless
• he will never turn back into the man you fell in love with because he was never that man - it was a lie. He is a liar and a fraud and you are not to blame for not knowing until too late

It takes courage to push back in these circumstances, but hold firm and make sure he can’t get his hands on anything that you brought to the marriage (the house etc) by getting legal advice now. Your children will be so much happier now he is gone. You are all much safer.

Children aren't short adults.
The way they think is very different.
They dont always understand what is best for them.

Thats why they need parents to do that, and to understand that a child may be very upset but something still must be done in their best interests.

Children can be being abused in every way possible yet want the abuser to remain in their lives.

Their upset is not and should not be the deciding factor on who can be in their life.

They won’t have happy if they see you being sad about it .
You have to be strong or at least pretend to the kids you are . Cry in private .
You’re delaying the inevitable .
Letting him back will mess with the kids more and you will have even more guilt then .

He is no good for any of you.
It just words op. All words never any action . He knows fine well you won’t stand your ground and he comes back and walk all over you time and time again .
Tell him he is out and mean it . He needs to sort the mess out HE created. Him and his child are not your reasonably. put your own kids first.

How very sad. Just watched a good friend finally break free after 15 years because he did something so morally reprehensible that even she agreed it could not go on.
It had been horrendous for her children, her own siblings and surrounding friends.
As a friend, there have been times I have had to step back as it was making me ill.
Her children are now all around 25-30, they spent their teenage years with this going on.
There was no violence but every other type of mistreatment.
He is Mr Personality in public. Her kids have blocked him so he’s been ringing them at work. He’s been turning up to see family members.
OP isn’t just exhausting herself but everyone around her. Of course the children will cling on to anything they know rather than the unknown.
My friend is 61 now and it has ruined her health.
OP here has a chance to change her life, it is hard, but if she chooses not to then she chooses a man who is abusive on every front.
Her children, without knowing the details, will sense and carry all of it, and carry the trauma with them. This situation of seeing the man but when the kids aren’t there but the step daughter is won’t work. And she won’t suddenly move out, either.
I have learned through what I’ve seen that people will often choose being abused over again, even allow their children to be mistreated, rather than deal with both the pain of the separation and the pain of the past.
Then they become women of 60, 70 and beyond and they are so trapped and broken.

I blocked him this morning, then unblocked him as he’ll just turn up here. But I’ve asked for space as I really need to think and get my strength up. I can’t keep going to and fro like this.

People already told you to block him. Stop vaccillating. You are harming your children. Or does some part of you enjoy the drama?
Frankly I've lost sympathy for you.

No I don’t enjoy the drama, but my personal issues mean I don’t trust my own decisions and constantly doubt myself. I’m also succumbing to the sunken costs fallacy. I honestly need an intervention.

And what do your children need? I think focusing on their needs rather than yours might help you here. I would sit and write down everything your children need to live in a healthy, secure environment and then focus on exactly what you need to do to make that happen.

Think outside of yourself and your own emotions. You need to take significant practical steps to stop any more harm being done to your children.

You are being hard on yourself. Your intuition is enough - you don’t need an intervention, nobody is coming to intervene.
The SD has two parents. One may be ill but that is not your problem, you have says she’s in her room all the time anyway. Tell her she’s going to get mum’s.
Put your sons first and that means letting them be upset in the short term and then letting them be free.
You do not want to ruin their futures with all of this. I know it’s hard and you’ve been through a lot but you need to decide and then stick to it.
It is upsetting for you but do you want your kids in therapy as adults with the after effects of all of this?
If you give in now, he won’t change, he won’t step up he has no need to.
Then the anger will restart and you will be back here only more worn down.
I had to make a decision to start again, no family to help me, significant health issues and CPTSD. It is tough. But underneath all these tears is someone who could actually live a happy and functional life.
He is blocking your chance at that.

BLOCK HIM, and if he doesn't stay away CALL THE POLICE.

Your children need you to step up and do what's best for them.

Whatever you do, don't count on him changing. He won't - they never do.
The fact that he is laying a guilt trip on you about his own daughter being homeless - rather than taking any responsibility for his own child himself - should tell you this.
You are obviously very vulnerable to his manipulation because of past trauma, so I do sympathise. It's really difficult to extricate yourself from marriages like this - but it can be done & most women report nothing but feelings of relief and freedom afterwards. You're halfway there - don't talk yourself backwards with things like "oh well it takes an average of 7 attempts to leave' and sunk costs - act for yourself and your dc. Abusive stepfathers really do have a v damaging effect on boys.
Promises of therapy are meaningless - abusive men don't get better from therapy, they generally learn to be more manipulative and play the victim even more.

How are things @MyGhastIsFlabbered ?