Well I’ve finally done it

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

I’ve told husband not to come back after dropping his daughter off at her mum’s tonight. For anyone who has seen my previous threads they’ll understand. He is currently promising he’ll change etc but I just feel numb. He’s saying if he stays away tonight he won’t be back and I do feel ok about it. Then he accused me of throwing his daughter out on the streets.

I just feel so numb

I got as far as cross dresser - bolt the door and don’t let him back. He sounds fucking horrible

You've got this

I read as far as cross dresser. Please don’t let this pervert back in your home.

Your children are children - they will not know or understand the horrendous things this man is putting their mum through.
He doesn’t understand anything.
Men like this never do.
He just wants to come back for his own needs.
Please trust your gut instinct OP, yes the kids might be upset over a holiday but what will happen if you go, return home and he starts his usual behaviours? You will have to go through this all over again. That will be far worse.
You know this man is no good. An apology to your children means nothing. He is an abuser.

Op I left my h for a year in 2018. I found a heartbreaking note my daughter had written (she was only 7) about how sad she was and it broke me. I took him back because I couldn’t bear the thought of making them sad. I knew within a week I had made a HUGE mistake…I had to stay another 4 years because I couldn’t break their hearts again and in the end it got so bad THEY asked me to get them away from him. He went on to cause irreparable damage to their mental health and I regret nothing more than giving in and not making the hard decision to stay away. He will NOT change, men like them don’t. Learn from my mistake OP, stay strong and stay away for those kids, they need freedom to grow up healthy and psychologically safe.

I’m still wavering. I have not stopped sobbing since I woke up and my heart is telling me all I have to do is say he can come back and I will feel better. My head is telling me it’s only postponing the sadness but it’s just so hard.

Im so glad to hear you have asked this awful man to leave.
His saying "he wont be back if he stays away tonight" is controlling emotional blackmail.
Stay strong and break free of him for your sake and your children.

Cross dressing.
Anger.
Control.
Sexual assault.
Mistreating your kids.
Come on OP you and your children deserve better. Please don’t let this continue.
I do understand we all do it can be like coming off a drug - a quick fix will make it all better. It may do, but you just end up back in the same mess.

Lmao 🤣 what a comment to put on a post where someone is really low and upset and needs uplifting and some support.

Mumsnet is full of trolls like you it’s disgusting.

its as easy as this SIMPLY DO NOT COMMENT IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY.

You trolls can’t help yourselves can you?

OP, please please stick to your guns.

What I am going to say now is hard
Your youngest does not want him to leave, because they are the victim of emotional abuse. They have watched his behaviour towards you and they have been damaged by it. Because of that their understanding of what is good, right and healthy is damaged.
Change is always scary, children can't see out the other side, keeping life the same feels safer and easier than change.
They have no idea that they are sitting in the middle of an abuse cycle. They are also taken in by the 'good times' manipulation.
They see 'no holiday next week' and think they want him to stay. They are not able to see 'long term damage to my ability to form healthy relationships as an adult'

Ask yourself what would you say if one of your close friends told you that their partner was like yours is ???

Please get rid. Life is too short. You deserve so much better.

To be fair to @Paramaribo2025 - their comment isn't wrong since OP has allowed him back again so it is sad for the children in those situations

That's because it's scary going it alone and you're used to him being there but it will get easier with time. Honestly, sounds like you've done the right thing by you all.

Edited. Ah, you've let him back in, apologies, I didn't read that before I posted.
Shame. Shame for you and the children. I hope you will be ready soon, instead of a shit life of it for years to come.

No I have told him it’s over again, but very sad and wavering again.

What is it about being sad that's making you waver? Life is made up of sad, happy and in between. You cannot avoid sadness all your life. I think you need to develop resilience to be able to say to yourself that this sadness will pass. And it will. When it becomes too much, find something to distract you, a hobby, cleaning, cooking, going out with your children. Wrench your thoughts away from him when it happens or acknowledge the thought of being alone makes you sad. Having this man in your life is bad news. It is unhealthy and toxic. Tell yourself, "I want him back, but not at any cost." He is damaging me and my children.
You might want him but you don't need him.

Can you articulate the things that he does that hurt you and follow that by asking yourself why you want to be treated this way and why you want your children to live like this?
Eg

He is constantly hypercritical of my children and I want them to live like this because...

He has sexually assaulted me and I want to be treated this way by him because...

He is financially controlling and I want me and my children to live like this because...

Etc

Sometimes changing the way you ask yourself the questions can make it easier for you to see the truth.

Don't waver. You have done the hardest part. It will feel like relief if you take it back, until it goes back to how it was.

My mum spent my entire childhood with an abusive, controlling, manipulative man. I ''loved'' him. I was proud to be his daughter. I'm a woman now and can see the terrible damage he inflicted on my world view.

Stay strong

I have PTSD from childhood abuse and therefore don’t think I deserve any better. But my kids do, though they’re really upset by this at the moment.

Of course your kids are upset, they don't know that he's abusing you. But you do. You also know that he doesn't keep his promises.
You also know that you struggle to maintain your boundaries. You also know that if you let him stay it's the kids who will suffer the long term damage.
And you've heard all this before. Only you can change the outcome, hard as it is right now.

Read through some of your previous threads to try and get some context.
You have been through a lot in your childhood.
The father of your sons was awful to you.
You have to negotiate your own MH and other issues.
One of your sons has had a lot of struggles.
What is clear is that you have a lot to cope with but from your words you are really bright, thoughtful engaging person who works hard.
You are also sober - huge props to you for that.
You enjoy running - please don’t give up on that.
You and your children are close to your brother - keep that lovely connection going.
This man has made you feel even more vulnerable and to be quite frank his daughter had traumatised your sons. She is better off living with her own mum.
I know you want to create a loving family unit because of your childhood but this man is not the answer. You already know that.
I am a similar age to you and I know it is tough but you will be better off with your sons creating stability as a unit.

Thank you everyone. I am trying to be strong but i can’t get myself together. I haven’t stopped crying all day

Then keep on crying.
Cry your heart out for the next week, the next month.
Feel the pain.
Feel your heart breaking into a million pieces.
You don't have to get yourself together, not yet. Let yourself fall apart.

But DON'T TAKE HIM BACK.

OP you've done the right thing for you and your children. Do not let him back in.
You DO deserve better and so do they.
IME hetero men who cross-dress are unbearably narcissistic and abusive - plus all the other things he's done - you do not want him in your lives.
You are stronger than you think, good luck.

Its ok to cry. Its normal to cry.
You can cry now for days or weeks or maybe even months with him out of your life or you can cry for the rest of your life with him in it.

This is what I keep telling myself but it’s not helping. I know one phone call could make this pain stop….but it would only be for now.