Well I’ve finally done it

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

I’ve told husband not to come back after dropping his daughter off at her mum’s tonight. For anyone who has seen my previous threads they’ll understand. He is currently promising he’ll change etc but I just feel numb. He’s saying if he stays away tonight he won’t be back and I do feel ok about it. Then he accused me of throwing his daughter out on the streets.

I just feel so numb

Unfortunately there is no way to avoid pain.
You have to choose your pain.

Except in this case you are not only choosing your pain, you are choosing your children's pain.

Even if right now you, sadly, dont believe you are worth more then you have to believe that they are and put them first.

They are too young to know what is best for them. They need you to know that and to do it.

Do you have anyone in real life who can help you?

If you were my friend I'd come plonk my fat arse on your sofa and be your minder for a few days, take your phone, run interference and provide hugs and chocolate. Do you have anyone who can be that for you?

How are you doing @MyGhastIsFlabbered ?

It wouldn't stop though would it? You would continue to be in pain but of a different sort. Nobody would swap a broken right arm for a broken left arm but that is what you are contemplating.

Remember, abusers ramp up their abuse up if they think they can get away with it and if you take him back you are telling him, loud and clear, that you are too far gone and he will be absolutely horrendous to you. You are already broken and it could push you into a breakdown. Who would protect your children then?

He is already emotionally abusing the children. If you can't be strong for yourself, can you be strong for them?

Call Women's Aid, call the Samaritans, call your GP (do they have social prescribers?), call anyone. Just don't call him. In fact change his name in your phone to ABUSER! as it might help you pause enough to stop.

You've got this @MyGhastIsFlabbered , you really have

Cry for the relationship and man you had high hopes for at the beginning, feel the pain of letting go and self doubt that plagues you.
Look at your children and remind yourself that you left their dad because he was abusive. You are fully capable of leaving this relationship as well even though they might be upset. They want you to be happy and are not old enough to realise that you all will be happier once you come to terms with the breakup and start to believe in yourself.

You are at a crossroads, one path is painful, your dc being made to believe they deserve being emotionally abused and leads straight back to this man and the other path will be painful at first but it will get easier and happier for you and your DC.
Two paths but only one of them is best for you and DC.

sadly Im still vacillating. He definitely won’t be living here but I have agreed his daughter can stay until he finishes working away in June. And if by then he can show me he means what he’s said about getting therapy then we will start talking about us. It buys me a bit of breathing space to get my head together. And he will not be around my kids.

im sorry it’s probably not the answer you wanted.

come on OP toughen up a bit here don’t take him back again. Ride it out don’t give into those feelings

Tbh, it was always clear that you were going to do this, so its not a surprise. I for one feel very sad for you because you will continue to be treated like shit and it will get worse because he will punish you for this. You don't need to be judged or blamed for this. It's clearly very complex. Nobody would choose this if everything was ok with them. I just hope that one day you truly feel you deserve better. Because you do

Just try to protect your children so this doesnt end up screwing them up for life and giving them the wrong picture of what a relationship should be. You don't want your child to be in this sort of relationship and repeat the cycle.

I wish you the very best and I sincerely hope that you get to a point where you can believe you and your children deserve better.

Take care.

How can he not be around your kids if his own child is living with you? Won't he come back to visit her?

Why can't the child's mother look after her instead of you?

He's a clever fucker isn't he, already managed to slide one foot in the door. Get help OP, seriously. It's apparent you can't do this alone but you DO need to do it. For you, for your children.

I didn’t see your latest update OP before I posted sorry but please regardless of what he says don’t go back to him

Given your latest update, I feel sorry for you that you need such a horrible man to validate your existence. Don't come back in six months asking for advice about stopping the relationship. You've had plenty of good advice already. I feel sorry for your children, frankly.

That’s the thing, they weren’t elated at all, they were genuinely very upset, which is what threw me completely. It would have been much easier if they’d been happy.

His daughter can’t live with their mum because she (a) lives over an hour away and doesn’t drive and (b) is very unwell. He will only see her when my kids are with their dad.

I do sympathise but you seriously need to toughen up and realise he has you wrapped around his little finger. . Don't come back on here in a few month's time asking for help because you didn't listen to all the help and advice you have just been given. It's big girl pants time.

Don’t they say it takes on average 7 times for an abuse victim to leave? Or is that some nonsense I’ve made up?

It's what happens in dysfunctional families, OP - despite it not being good for them, or in their best interests, they want to keep the family together. Because it's what they know. Even seriously abused kids often don't want to be separated from their abusive parents. It's called trauma bonding.

I’m sorry OP but this isn’t fair on the children. This flip flopping will be so upsetting for them. I appreciate that you’re still considering all options but you need to do that in a way where they are not put in the middle of your wavering. I assume they also know about the cross dressing etc. if it was on Facebook? That alongside the poor treatment and now this will end up causing a lot of damage to them - you need to start prioritising their needs: they did not choose to have a relationship with this man, you did.

I think the best approach would be for him and his DC to stay away from the house for now, and the two of you to have all conversations about your future (or not) away from the children. No big announcements, no big conversations in front of them. This really isn’t fair on them.

You should of course leave him, but I appreciate that may take some time.

I am also going to continue to see my counsellor to get help with putting this right. I’m not strong enough right now, but hopefully either he will come good, or I will find the strength.

That’s because they are being abused too. You need to come to terms with that.

Yeah youre going back into passive mode OP.

This was never going to be easy but youre taking the easy route by letting him back in and perpetuating the cycle and making it worse for your kids.

You're the adult here and you're seriously letting yourself and your kids down.

Sorry if I've missed this but why can't his daughter stay with her mother?

Edit: sorry eventually saw the post answering that

You say that you've got PTSD from childhood abuse. But you're inflicting that very same thing onto your children - that's what I don't understand?

Block his number. Stop all contact until you are feeling stronger. It's the only way.

He won't come back? As they say the rubbish took itself out and good riddance.
He d is not your concern, he needs to deal with that. You must focus on yourself and your kids, not someone elses.
You've had your personal problems but obviously turning things around now which is brilliant and getting shot of him and his kin is a huge step forward.
Stay strong OP, sending support and thinking of you.