Woke up to partner touching me and wouldn’t stop until I gave in, is this weird or normal?

[EH8]

I’ve been with my partner for around 13 years, relationships been going down hill for some time due to him not treating me very well and I’ve finally started to have had enough. We haven’t had sex much at all recently, probably about 2 times this year. He’s tried it a few times but I’ve not given in to it as I don’t feel like having sex with him and I’m feeling confused about our relationship and don’t want to give him false hope. He knows that I’m feeling different and I haven’t been affectionate towards him at all for a few months now.

last night I’d gone to bed before him and I woke up to him touching me, I was still half asleep but remember pushing his hand away and saying no. He kept on persisting for what felt like forever and I was pretending to be asleep but still moving away from him, I actually nearly fell out of the bed I’d moved that far away from him. He continued touching and rubbing me and in the end I thought he’s not going to stop so I just let him have sex with me and pretended to enjoy it. After he’d finished I turned my back and tried to go back to sleep but it took me a while and he put his arm around me and fell straight to sleep, he texted me this morning saying sorry that he woke me up with a smiley emoji. I’ve woken up this morning feeling a little unsure about it, I’m not sure if this is normal behaviour for a man to do this with his partner or is this weird?

I don’t feel like it’s rape because I let him in the end but at the same time I do feel like I was almost tricked into it because I was sleeping.

i guess I’m just looking for opinions on this and whether this is normal behaviour as we’ve been together for so long and if your partner has done this before?

It's coercive abuse isn't it? You didn't have sex because you wanted to did you. He knew you didn't as well.

I’m really sorry you went through this, it is rape. He assaulted you in your sleep - you can’t consent when you are asleep. Just because you eventually gave in because he wouldn’t leave you alone doesn’t mean it’s not rape. Good partners don’t do this, please leave as soon as you can 🩷

JFC, that is horrendous, I am so, so sorry this has happened to you.

Coerced consent is not consent.

He assaulted you.

There's no way back from this.

Not normal at all

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Do you have family or friends you can rely on?. I would also consider contacting Womens Aid too.

This is yet another example of he further not treating you well and this relationship is well and truly over now.

You need to plan your exit from this man with due care and attention. He basically coerced you into having sex with him and he knew it too.

What is the situation re the finances and property?.

It is rape OP, you cannot consent when you’re asleep. It is absolutely not normal. No good man would do this.

He thinks you wanted it ffs.

He knew you didn’t cos of the moving and nearly falling out of the bed he knew.

what he did was rape.

Tell him yr confused about Ur relationship. You need time to think
Seperate beds, rooms. Clear boundaries stated.
I couldn't stand to be woken up when in depressed sleep, makes me grumpy. Tell him that.

Deep sleep.
This way you get distance till you decide what yr going to do. And hopefully he'll have a bit of a non wake up wake up call

I'm sorry love, you did not freely consent and that means only one thing.

That was my normal 30 years ago. Sex isn't what it should be with my new dh.
Get out now op.

No. Its rape. You were asleep. Then you said no and physically moved him off you. He still had sex with you. Knowing you couldn't consent, knowing you didn't consent.

It's normal for women to "let" men rape them. We're taught not to make a fuss. And what are you actually going to do about it. If he wanted to rape you could you physically stop him? You giving up and letting him is not you consenting.

I’m not sure it is rape exactly. Because you said you let him in the end and pretended to enjoy it.
But touching you intimately while you’re asleep (without consent) is sexual assault of some kind.

Let this be the incident that gives you the motivation you need to end things with him.

Read up on 'fight, flight, freeze or fawn'.

Thank you everyone, I now just need to figure out how to approach it with him without upsetting him, I don’t want to make him feel like a weirdo but also if everyone says it’s not normal than I feel like I should say something?

I'm so sorry OP but he raped you. Giving in at the end is not consent but coercion.

Please contact Women's Aid who should be able to talk you through your feelings and options.

Why are you worried about 'upsetting him'? This needs dealing with urgently, he will think you are OK with it, it's clear he is from the smiley emoji he sent you. Upsetting him is the least of the issues.

Physically separate (immediately) and don’t let him in your bed again. You’re well
within your rights to demand he sleeps elsewhere going forward. Even if you don’t feel ready to permanently end the relationship you’re entitled to physical space and feeling safe in your own bed in this transition period.

This would be a clear way to demonstrate the severity of what happened, even if you don’t manage to end the relationship just yet. Take action rather than figuring out how to verbally explain / convince him of how wrong it is what he did.

He may have been driven by desperation / wanting to remain close and stay attached to you / wanting to retain ownership and control over you. His motivation is irrelevant because the reality is that he raped you.

That's abuse, bordering rape. He touched you, you said no and repeatedly made it clear you didn't want it. You then felt pressured that you'd have to give in to go to sleep.
Just because you didn't put up a fight, doesn't mean it's not rape. He knew full well you didn't want him to do it.

will He get defensive will he shout
why are you still appeasing him
this isn’t the first time is it.

im so sorry hen but I’d be leaving if able to

I'd consider this rape sorry.

This is something DP and I do, but only because she's explicitly told me she enjoys the feeling of waking up to me touching her. We've talked about it at length outside of the bedroom, and it involves a whole host of non-verbal cues during the evening before bed and while it's happening. If ever she says "not tonight", or moves my hand, or even just moves away slightly, then I turn over and go to sleep.

You said No. You couldn't have been any clearer if you tried. It doesn't really matter what you did after that No. He ignored it and continued. Knowing that he ignored it, you acquiesced because the alternative could have been worse. That's not consent, that's fear.

Another here who thinks this is coercion and i speak as someone who is very happy to be woken by intimate touch. It sounds like your marriage is over in any case and that you need to quietly make plans to leave.

He’s a rapist. There a long running thread on here where a woman is in a relationship with a man who rapes and sexually assaults her on a regular basis which makes harrowing reading.

Please don’t allow this to continue - he’s crossed a huge red line

He raped you: you said no and he ignored you. Leave this man. Speak to women’s aid and consider your safety. This is not normal. Please don’t try to appease him or rescue the relationship.

Im feeling really confused and upset and yes im scared to bring this up with his because he has a habit or sulking and not speaking to me for a day or two if I upset him or we will have a serious argument which can get a little scary. Maybe I do need to leave but need to figure out how